It fits perfectly.
Why is nothing simple? I won’t lie to you, I’m tired. Very tired. Some days I wish I wouldn’t wake up and if this is a dream then wake me. I’m hurt, I will say that. I’m not sure what hurts more, that the love is still there or that it’s over. For me, this ending was premature. There’s a lot that I hate myself for, a lot I would have done differently.
Have you ever been so consumed with the idea of seeing someone that you begin to neglect the person? I have. It was one of my many mistakes. Strange thing is that I know we will collide again, I’m not sure why I’m not happier about it. Love is a funny thing and this person really mattered to me.
It doesn’t happen often, that connection I mean. Maybe that’s why it’s so special when it does. Why I put so much of myself into these things and why I usually feel kinda destroyed when it goes bad. I did learn something from it. This break up wasn’t messy but it was confusing. She’s still in my life and apparently she still loves me and wants to see me. It’s strangely like we’re still together. Until I remember we aren’t. Then again reality is often harsh and disturbing and I should deal with it.
I’m tired of losing people who matter to me. And tomorrow work begins again…
The subconscious is a powerful thing. Now usually I don’t dream or just don’t remember it, the mind has funny ways of torturing us. After what I’ve heard from others I’m quite glad that I generally don’t dream. The other night my mind decided to play one of my favourite scenes. It was a nice memory, we sat by the ocean. Drinking devassa, eating shrimp, laughing and being happy. I miss that. Now my happiness shouldn’t be dependant on another person but I won’t lie, sometimes it is.
The torturous part was that we may never do that again. That bothers me. Maybe it’s because there are so few people in the world I want to share that with. I’m kinda opening up to going out again. So far going out has been disappointing. It’s always the same. You drink, you talk shit and you go home. At the end of the night you’re just as alone and disappointed as you were when you began.
Prepared for re-entry, then came crashing down to earth. That encapsulates my last few months. All good things most come to an end they say, que sera sera is what I said. Whatever will be, will be. Here I am now, back in a space I have seriously neglected over the past months. I feel I owe an explanation for my absence. This blog has been with me for a long time, through the good and bad but mostly shit times. This is one of those shit times. I’ve been carrying so much that writing has been seemingly impossible. So I’m taking the easy route, getting a few things of my chest and informing whatever audience I have left of what’s been happening with me. The take off and breakdown of everything. Unlike Atlas I can let it go. Here’s where we are now in this story,
The break down of a relationship is one thing but when you’re using alcohol as a means of feeling better you usually only end up feeling worse, having learned this the hard way last time I’ve cut down on my drinking. I’m trying to smoke less too because what’s the point. Nothing remedies a rough break up like self-improvement. And trust me there is so much to improve on here. The last year or so has been amazing, challenging and at some points it was god awful. Again I’ve gone in with everything and come out with nothing to show for it. I find my situation is confirming all of my previous assertions and has me wondering, like always, ‘why do I bother?’
Things are a mess of complications, emotions and general fuckery. I’m almost at the end of the tunnel however. I’m trying to eat better and look after myself, while regaining my ability to drop someone like a lead weight. Dependency on anyone, emotional or otherwise is never a good thing. Dependency on anything isn’t a smart way to live. It always ends badly. I’m going to need to write more, between my work and the cluster fuck that is my personal life. I need to lift myself up, throw this shit off my back and soldier on. Scars and all. Can’t stop now. I need focus. Between this blog and cleaning up my own messes I really need to give my thought to my music, do all of it for myself. Roll my sleeves and make a better man of me because I’m tired of these same scenes.
Like watching a movie you’ve seen a thousand times, a pointless exercise. Nihil Novi Sub Sol. I guess. And if I haven’t learned anything from it then I deserve to suffer for that. And, oh, how I’ve suffered. My tolerance for people is at an all time low. Someone I call a friend tries lying to me, thank fuck people aren’t too stupid to spot an habitual bullshitter. I can ignore your bullshit but when you turn it onto me expect my backlash to be spectacular. I’ve got these damn kids asking me to buy cigarettes in front of a shop keeper and then bitching when I don’t buy them, shop keepers lying because they’re too stupid to work a scanner. On top of that I witnessed a theft today on my way to the store. Scumbags stealing bikes off kids and to make matters worse all the idiot teenagers are huffing nitrous now. So I’m not just surrounded by idiots but now they’re stoned. Great.
I hate this place. I feel trapped because every fucking time I try to get out I’m dragged back down almost as if it had the gravitational pull of a black hole. Hopefully one day I can exit this atmosphere all together and we’ll call me the space cowboy. I have no idea why I broke my own rules not to wager on people anymore but I did and here I am suffering for it, hating almost everyone around me and definitely everything. On street level people are shit, you only have to look at the news to see the same thing on a larger scale. I’m disgusted on an industrial scale almost. I’m trying to be patient with people but to be honest I feel I’d be better off with less of them. I’d go into writing more about how shit everything is but it’s boring, low hanging fruit. I need to shower and cook that chilli. Everyone else in my house is watching the hobbit film, which one I don’t care. Honestly, I can’t even movie anymore.
Hello everyone, firstly I apologise for my absence of late. It’s been crazy and boring. The next week and this week preceding it have been extremely busy due to Record store day. That and we’ve been focusing on getting some music made. The down side of all this creativity is that I’ve been unable to write a post in the last few weeks. I’m writing at the moment when I should be practicing.
That said I’m sitting in the garden drinking a beer and enjoying the rare instance that the British weather blesses us with sunshine. I’m also drinking too much lately. As a nation we tend to turn to alcoholism as soon as the sun comes about. Maybe it should be listed on the census as a religion next to Jedi.
I’ve had various ideas for posts that I’ve lost between being tired, drunk and or dealing with everyday normal bullshit. I’m actually thoroughly irritated with work. The boss of the company as a whole complained that I was pulling four orders at once. He was concerned about mistakes even though I never made one when using that method. I’m pushing up the efficiency of our workplace as a whole and he’s worried about a simple innovation.
This is probably why company stocks aren’t worth the paper they’re printed on. I understand his concern but I’m currently the best at my job and having a positive impact on the company as a whole, it’s hard to see that from your comfortable chair in your air conditioned office.
Yes that’s the sound of resentment. As a manager I understand his concerns but at the same time not addressing your problem with the employee in question and sending an email is cowardly. Leadership skills man. People respect you more if you address them personally and if you don’t have the balls to do so then you shouldn’t be in management.
So I’m thoroughly dissatisfied with work, I’d address him personally but if nothing will come of it and he’s not confident enough to address me in a constructive manner then what’s the point? My personal life is going steady, nothing to report on there. I’m in studio on Monday then back to work on Tuesday for the week from hell.
I will get back to posting, this blog has suffered. I’ve been meaning to post a lot but all those intentions have, this far amounted to nothing. I will get to it within the next fortnight.
Again, all apologies.
So here I am sitting on my ass bored, I could practice language or write something for the music project but I can’t be asked and the person I really want to talk to is sleeping. I’m feeling a little lost. I don’t know what to do with myself.
It’s the busiest two weeks of the year at work so you can imagine the kind of day I’ve had, I saved some time with the ecig smoking as I work. I can get away with it because nobody really cares and I’m in a position of leverage where I am required. I work and they let me do as I please within reason.
Back to my point, I am so very bored. Read the news, took a shower, cooked dinner and now I’m writing here but after I finish here then what do I do. I know one thing I could do is work out but I just did an hour day and I can’t be bothered. I could do with dropping a few kilos. I should open up a suggestion box or maybe a kickstarter for greater disposable income, I wouldn’t mind going out right now, even alone.
Getting ready for another week, I’m glad the previous one is over. Spent some time intoxicated and got a very rare hangover, not even a bad one but a hangover for me is so uncommon it’s notable. This has been a time of beer and late nights but it hasn’t been unproductive. Music is beginning to take form ideas developed and a solid track has been produced and we’ve set a deadline. The work is a lot more focused now.
Now I can afford it I’ve upgraded and got a better e-cigarette , on that note I feel like an idiot for not realising the cardiovascular effects of nicotine in my previous post about possible health issues. Might be useful for a study one day, who knows. I’ve also been making a more coordinated effort to learn Portuguese because as I said previously it looks like she’s gonna be around for a while, relationship is strong enough to survive this long so I figure it is worth making such an investment.
Work is going well, got my system, cracks in the place are showing but it’s all good. Sometimes you just have to work with what you’ve got. I’d like things to run a bit smoother before the biggest day for sales in the year. That’s pretty much everything going on for me. The week is over. So why am I not sitting here completely satisfied like I should be? Feels like there’s something missing. For someone who has spent their day smoking I’m sure doing a dangerous amount of thinking right now.