I have managed a plus out of all this, I met a lovely woman who I would say I respect and admire. There was some progress with her but it’s too soon to tell if it matters less than I believe or maybe it’ll change in the future. I will be genuinely upset if it goes nowhere but yeah I’m pretty sure its not something you do with everyone.
I find myself genuinely caring what she thinks about me. Enough to explain myself. I also find myself caring when she feels bad. She has her days despite being as strong as she is. I actually find myself missing her when she’s away. I developed feelings for her quite quickly, which isn’t normal for me, I liked her a lot when we met but I’m guessing that grew into attraction by the way I’m talking about her. Like I said before she’s an exceptional woman and honestly I don’t see why she’s alone.
If I have my way she won’t stay that way for too long. In a way I think I’m trying to prove a point that I care about her and want her to be happy, that’s she’s wanted. I never understood why the most beautiful women think they’re ugly even when they don’t say it. Why the most most exceptional ones think they’re nothing special. She would tell me it’s all perspective. I kinda like that she’s a smart ass. Makes me smile.
I wonder where this all come from but at the same time I know. I don’t think I’ve ever met someone who is so similar to myself but different at the same time. Fucking beautiful too. She doesn’t smile much but the eyes say it all sometimes. If all goes right I could see myself being very happy with her but again it’s early days. At this point all I can do is show her I am for real.
You lose some you win some or at least make progress. I think it’s important to stress that it’s not all shit.
Recently I spoke with a woman I’ve known for a while. We’re a case of missed connections. She doesn’t quite see me the same and that’s okay but she’s been talking to me on and off, for me I believed I felt chemistry. I told her again recently that I’ve always liked her and while I enjoy her company immensely it’s hard to be around her. Being and off with me bothers me, both in terms of our interactions and her contact. She fell asleep on the phone with me less than a fortnight back, she used to do that a lot and I guess it reminded me of what was.
All I can say is it’s a damn shame, she said she doesn’t feel the same and we should cool it for a while which is reasonable. I mentioned there wasn’t really anything to cool and we’ll talk when we do. On writing this down here I realise I may have sounded like an ass unintentionally.
I let her know I didn’t mean to sound like an ass if I did. Explained my meaning etc. I’m a little upset but at the same time I can’t lose what I never had. She’s a lovely woman it’s a shame we didn’t get more time together really I truly did like her though. It’s a loss for me in a way but hey if we can remain friends that would be nice. I guess I’ll wait for the day I hear from her next and we’ll see.
Two down. This one isn’t a plus however.
Today I’m sad but I shouldn’t be. I guess the fact that I feel something means I’m human and I was right when I said this is a battle nobody can win. When it all goes out the window you can’t do much more than defend yourself. Even if it was easy I can’t say I took any joy from it.
I’m not sure when the sweet woman I once loved turned into a narcissist. She keeps saying I need to get over her, the fact we haven’t spoken in a good while and I’m interested in other women determines that she’s wrong. If I wasn’t over her I wouldn’t be afraid to admit that to her and even more importantly myself. As much as I tell her I’m okay she keeps going on like I spend my waking hours pining for her like a dog whose master abandoned it.
She also spitefully sought to inform me she’s seeing someone. Didn’t have the impact she’d quite hoped for especially when I told her she’s so predictable she won me a round of beer at the bar. She resorted to getting nasty and well you play silly games you win silly prizes. I showed her how to play. I should have not sunken to her level but sometimes you just have to do so.
I’m not sure if she’s aware of the story of Icarus. She flew too close to the sun, his wings melted and he crashed back to earth. She then told me after all her nastiness that she was worried about me. I told her she shouldn’t be and I don’t need the care and attention of someone like her. Have you ever gone back and forth with someone to the point it makes no sense? Accusing me of being unable to let go and needing to win all the time yet she’s the one antagonising and replying to me?
I got called names in Finnish. So I told her to go away in Finnish, Swedish and English. I was hoping if I threw enough shit something might just stick and stick it did. I told her in several ways I don’t want her in my life whatsoever and we certainly aren’t friends. Basically that I don’t care anymore. I did however say that should she ever really need me she knows where I am. I am many things but I’m not a complete bastard.
Even if I don’t like her I’m not going to take any enjoyment in her suffering. If she truly needed me I would put shit aside to help her. Other than that I don’t want to hear it really. She wants nothing from me is what she said, that’s good because I have nothing left to give to her and she is nothing of me. I’m much better off without her and she without me I’d imagine.
She went on to accuse me of all sorts of things which caused me to feel borderline embarrassed for her despite her telling me I’m embarrassing myself. I informed her that embarrassment implies I care about what she thinks at all. I just tire of someone who knows nothing speaking like they know everything. I’m mainly confused about how you go from being a narcissist and trying to hurt me too telling me you’re worried about me?
She told me that night fighting with me was one of the most awful nights of her life but that’s the thing, she brought that on herself. I don’t feel sorry for her, I made that mistake once and realised the depth of her emotions. Crocodile tears. The love is gone so I’m not going to comfort you after you tried to hurt me, it doesn’t work like that.
I’m not without blame here, at all. I’ve said some things in response to her that I’m not entirely proud of despite all of it being true. One thing I never did was pretend to be someone I’m not for a year in order to please someone else. I never would. I guess that’s the difference between me and her. If you want to be nasty to me then cry because I’m better at it than you then your tears don’t matter much. How you gonna poke the hornets nest and cry when you get stung?
I didn’t pick on anything personal, wasn’t her as a person I have an issue with just her behaviour. Honestly I think it’s cute that she thought she could hurt me. Melted her wings pretty quickly. You know there was a time when I worried that the sweet innocent girl I met would be turned into something resembling me. I made every effort to not steal that innocence from her, I admit I once treated her with cotton gloves because she was sweet and delicate.
I think it wasn’t me that was the issue, I just wonder who the woman I loved was behind the facade. If she was the woman I knew I wonder how does one go about letting someone half know you. How can we share what we did and not her true feelings? I have lots of questions but there’s one answer that is broad reaching enough to satisfy any leftover questions.
It doesn’t matter anymore.
I’m not proud of any of it. I’m not really sad, I’m not happy. I don’t really feel anything at all anymore. Sometime I’m sure I’ll miss her whoever she was. I hope she finds her happiness because I’m sure as shit going to find mine.
Im posting this here to make the internal external. I can see it here, read it and remember it. I’ve realised that it’s healthier to talk and if you can’t talk then writing is as good. Reading the pages can like a conversation with yourself. Allowing you to evaluate everything. In conclusion, it’s time to go forward.
In the end I did let her have the last word because It never would have ended. It began with Hi and ended in Bye. I just realised that myself and its kinda funny.
As of this evening she’s severed all forms of contact with me, I just finished writing this post as she did. A fitting end to this chapter of my life.
Bang bang, that awful sound.
In recent months I’ve had a pretty rough time relationship wise, now that’s not an issue any more. During the months after we broke up I thought to myself that it might be smart to get to know other women. I went into that situation with absolutely zero expectations. Some I contacted first and others contacted me.
During that time I met several very different women. All of them unique in their own ways. I’ve made good friends and there are some I’m interested in and at least two I find fascinating. I have to give them their dues in some way because they’ve each helped me get back to where I am now.
In a lot of ways I’ve improved myself but each of these women has played their part. There’s the sweet one she’s a religious woman and although we don’t agree on religion if there’s a heaven I’m pretty sure this one deserves a place there. I can see us remaining friends for a long time despite our differences.
There’s another, she was quite nervous at first, seemed sad. Like me just got out of a relationship. We spoke a lot and I didn’t really expect it to go much further than that but as I got to know her better she revealed herself to me, very talented chef. Sweet, caring etc. Suddenly out of nowhere there’s fire between us. I’m still not really sure how it happened.
There’s a woman from Poland but we’ve only ever emailed eachother. She’s like a pen pal really, I get an email once a week so the pace is slow but it’s been nice to get to know her. I look forward to her emails. I usually try to reply to her on Sunday. It gives me an activity, you know how I hate Sundays.
Then there’s the one who only calls me when she’s drunk. There was always a thing between us but she’s kinda stuck, I know she likes me but I’m pretty sure she’s seeing someone. Hence she calls when she’s drunk. It’s a damn shame really because I’ve always liked her and will always have time for her. I just give her shit about calling me when she’s sober.
Another, a Chinese national. I haven’t spoken to her in a while but I should get ahold of her, she’s a good friend who was going through a tough time with a death in the family. This woman is extremely intelligent and I can say she’s taught me quite a bit in the time I’ve known her. I’m happy that she and her family are doing better now.
Then we have this one, obviously the one I’m fascinated with is hard to get. This woman is exceptionally talented creativity speaking. She managed to get me to appreciate art which is an achievement in itself. I can’t really find the words to describe this one. We are very similar in many ways, the first month of knowing her was spent with her stealing the words from my mouth. The first time we spoke she threw me entirely off guard and as she opened up she showed me her soul, truly an exceptional woman. Likes to challenge me. Accent like a Bond villain.
I’ve met many women from all different races, countries and backgrounds and each of them has contributed to myself in some way or another. Each of them have my respect, not as women but as people. Each of them unique and beautiful in their own ways. The other thing I wanted to mention is that it’s damn hard to make male friends. Usually single serving if at all.
The other thing I noticed is that it’s amazing what cleaning yourself up can do. That’s when things really started. I’d met these women and they were great friends with me. As soon as I was far enough out of my hole to bother cleaning myself up I got a lot more interest. I guess I scrub up well. That’s when the drunk phone calls started despite her giving me shit not two weeks earlier for being drunk while talking to her.
I’m no stranger to the opposite sex but I have to admit it’s been weird to have so many interested. I must be doing something right. The other thing I’ve noticed with all of them in my life I’m actually a happier person, they each contribute to that in one way or another. I actually never realised being single was okay. I’ll admit I’ve grown fond of all of them and I plan to keep them in my life regardless of a relationship forming. I hope that’s possible and it should be because we are friends before anything else.
The other thing I’ve noticed is that none of these women are originally from England. My favourite drunk caller is of African descent, beautiful woman, great laugh and pain in my ass but aren’t all the best ones? I don’t know why I do so badly with English women. Granted I get looks but rarely goes any further than that with an English girl. That’s not something I’m bothered by if I’m honest.
My relationships have always been with women from outside of my own country. Even those with similar cultures have taught me much. I like the differences in culture, food and more. If they like you enough you’ll be treated to lots of new food. There’s also that moment when she’s in bed tired and can’t English anymore. To be honest I find these moments rewarding.
I don’t mind a little bit of teasing, it’s a good laugh. When she makes fun of you for being English and you do the same to her. I told her already that she sounds like a Bond villain. It’s the things like that which make the relationship between you more rewarding.
All this said my strangest experience with an Arab woman. There was a lot of fire between us and we genuinely liked eachother. At one point she said I was too white. Something I’ve heard from women of other ethnicities. Usually poking fun at me, not something that even registers beyond making me laugh. She disappeared later which is when it clicked in my head that’s she’s a Muslim, and I’m pretty sure from what I know of her parents that they would not be be cool with her seeing me. I don’t blame her or anything. It’s a damn shame because I liked her a lot in the time we knew eachother but yeah I wouldn’t want to get her in trouble.
In all it’s been a rewarding experience meeting new women and getting my act together. There’s obviously more female friends than male at this point, but a few will even smash back beers with me so I’m not exactly lacking in that area. Would be screwed if I was into sports though.
I started to write this post basically to acknowledge the postive impact all these women have had on my life recently. They’ve made me happier and in ways they’ve helped me love myself. Even if I feel personally there isn’t much they see something in me which means I can’t be so bad. After meeting all these amazing women I’m not in a rush to enter into anything.