A most painful experience 

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on August 8, 2015 by MISANTHROPIST

You would think it stupid, an innocuous task. An annoyance at the very worst. Maybe that’s why I’ve subconsciously been avoiding the task for some time, because I knew it would be painful when I saw them. Today it came to the point where I was forced to clean up my space. The place I live in, don’t get me wrong I clean regularly. The whole house but in my bedroom I seldom scratch the surface.

If I were to go much deeper than the shallows I would begin to find and see things. Lost parts of myself, people long gone. Flames that have gone out. Like a museum and a mirror all in one. It’s not the nicest of experiences. This time was quite different. Letters, gifts, notes, clothing, toiletries, plane tickets, pictures. The whole 9 yards. 

It was a most painful experience, I can’t say I’ve ever been made to feel so awful by an innocuous task such as cleaning but here we are. When I love someone I do it whole heartedly. I don’t love by halves. The unfortunate thing is it makes breakups a painful process. Not just losing a girlfriend, but a friend, confidante and much more.

 These things are a part of life. Doesn’t make them any easier. I’ve thrown away a lot of things. Broken things and parts of myself that have long been lost to time. One think that is certain is that the memories fade and faces blur. Time devours all things. In some cases those artefacts were the last pieces of a memory. Some things just have to be let go of, and there has never been a better time. 

The other thing I saw in the museum of me was all that I could have become. My potential, what was wasted was painfully reflected back to me. It really put into perspective my lack of plans and how many opportunities that have passed me due to my travels. It’s funny that all this time I still have an almost instinctual urge to escape London and England all together. It’s apparent that there is as little here for me as there has ever been.


Sadness is okay but not when it becomes all encompassing. That kind of sadness is destructive and not healthy for anyone. Of course I’m upset, I’m just more upset about my current state of being. Feels like everything went wrong slowly over the course of a few months. I’ve lost a lot in half a year, almost everything. I’m now free of it. No obligation to anyone or anything. 

Having freedom is great but I really don’t know what to do with it. I really need to find something to occupy me. I need money, friends and more women in my life. I think it’d be wise for me to spend the next few months working on myself and getting some sort of direction because at the moment I’m slowly going nowhere.

It’s gonna be a long few months. I’m just glad I won’t have to see that stuff again. People always talk about how this sort of thing is therapeutic. I disagree. It’s more like a wake up call. Blunt, abrasive, painful. Probably necessary. I need a direction because honestly I have never had one. I also need a job.


This is quickly becoming the theme tune to my life.

Posted in Misanthropy, Music with tags , , , on August 5, 2015 by MISANTHROPIST

It’s almost perfect.



Tedium, unemployment, drugs and other fun.

Posted in General with tags , , , on August 4, 2015 by MISANTHROPIST

I’ve not wrote anything in a while because I’ve been dealing with a lot of shit. Nothing new, I shovel enough shit I should be a farmhand. I’m not a happy individual as usual. I’m still looking for work. I’ve had three jobs fall through. I got them all but something went wrong each time. Murphy’s law at work.

So I’ve been forced to take unemployment. Here’s where it gets interesting… Someone in the government, between molesting children, had a brainwave and decided on something called universal credit. It seems like a great idea until you consider I’m applying early August and not getting paid till mid September.

I’m lucky my boarding is so stable, what about people who aren’t so lucky? Sure fire way to fuck people’s lives up. This has just added more complications to what is already a clusterfuck. I need to make some money. 

I can’t say I’ve ever looked in the mirror and hated my physical appearance before, I know I’m not a bad looking guy but I can’t help feeling disgusted with myself when I look into a mirror. That and my interpersonal relationship with the lovely woman in my life has slightly improved. Doesn’t make it any better. It’s still shit.

Only good news is I still have a relatively decent stash of weed and a few beers left. I’m going to have to stop drinking and smoking. I have bills, at this point it’s not a choice anymore. Things need done. From here I succeed or fail. 

I just really want to be happy again, you know? Nothing seems to be going right and at this point in time I don’t really have a plan to improve it. I just want to use the spare time from my unemployment to finish tasks around the house. That and I’m back to cooking and cleaning. 

I miss having a woman in my life, sharing a bed. Her cooking and the rest. I miss being happy. Not chemically happy due to drugs and alcohol. Sometimes it feels like that’s all I can do in London. I spend my time stuck in tedium. Somewhere down the road I lost my passions. 


I need to read again, learn, advance and give myself something to do so the tedium doesn’t drive me to madness. I really don’t deal with it very well. I feel like I need a purpose. Right now I feel bored, broken and useless.
This is my life. Tedium suspended, swinging like a pendulum in slow motion from one day to the next and it never gets easier.


Posted in Uncategorized on July 26, 2015 by MISANTHROPIST

I think we all need to be a little more like Tom here…


A quick mention

Posted in Uncategorized on July 26, 2015 by MISANTHROPIST

To all of you who have sat and read through my bullshit. Thanks for listening and I hope you have been entertained by my pain and suffering…


Time to attempt to relax

Posted in General Dumbassery, Useless information. with tags , , , on July 26, 2015 by MISANTHROPIST

I have no idea how this will be achieved but it needs to happen. I’ve smoked some to wind me down and now I’m sitting in my room, dim light of the laptop the only thing cutting through total fucking darkness. Seems like a nice enough environment. Now I just have to entertain myself.

I was considering breaking out the old PS2. Shooting people in the face can be quite therapeutic I just say. Yes I really do hate a lot of people right now. I just can’t be bothered with the long ass set up. I recently ran into classical art memes and edgy Egyptian memes which are the only things that have made me smile in a long time.

 Maybe i should try rain sounds. Funny to think that all this wouldn’t matter if I was sipping devassa, eating shrimp and getting laid on a nice beach in Rio. Isn’t it funny? How getting laid almost nulls and voids everything else. I’m really at a loss here. I have no idea what the fuck to do. 

I have to write an important letter tonight but other than that there’s not much else I have to do. I think what would be nice right now is laying in here with someone. You know the nice nights where the lights are off and you’re both in bed together. I miss that. 

This is pretty sad. I used to be such a chilled out person but now I literally don’t remember how to relax. I might have to write some more just for something to do. This is one of those nights where nobody is around. Everybody is busy. I really do need to learn how to have fun on my own again. I also need to relax before work but I’m still dealing with her birthday shit. Things haven’t been great but I’ve been mailed so many things by that girl I have to reciprocate lest I feel like an asshole.

Still, what to do?


A man walks into a bar…

Posted in Alcohol, Uncategorized with tags , , , on July 26, 2015 by MISANTHROPIST


Already pretty faded from San Miguel and smoking sessions with my friend. I walked to the bar paying attention to the cute Ukrainian bar maid, then ordered a Czech Pilsner because it’s what I used to get at the bar with her. You can tell what kind of night this is already can’t you?

It was something like that scene where the ship is sinking and the captain orders out his finest alcohol for his last drink. After I’d ordered the drink we went to sit down outside because their beer garden has a sheltered area. The monsoon came to London yesterday. I spent a majority of my day soaking wet.

We had actually tried to catch some live music at a different bar but nothing was on yesterday so having already traveled a few miles on foot and sat down for food we decided we would continue up to our usual haunt. We ended up being there for the best part of an hour, we got bored and left. It was the way home that things got interesting.

In my haze I thought that mixing monster rehab with vodka was a smart idea. You can tell how wasted I was because I never drink vodka. I also decided a cider would be a good idea and eventually the intoxication got to me causing me to vomit. In retrospect I don’t know what the fuck I was doing because I wasn’t enjoying it.

I think I was out for self destruction, trying to melt myself down because everything had gotten to me so badly that I wanted to be destroyed. Maybe then I’d sleep and stop thinking of the things that bother me. I remember passing out when I got home but still feeling no better than I had when I went out.

The entire night seemed like a waste of time and energy, I remember feeling bored and as if nothing of value had been achieved. I wish I had just stayed at home. I sent half a dozen messages that night and accidently sent my picture message about how fucked I was too the wrong person with pretty hilarious results. I’d sum up the night something like this…

I didn’t suffer a hangover, just a severe case of what the fuck am I doing…

I’ve spent so much time upset I’ve forgotten how to laugh or have fun or even relax properly. I literally can’t enjoy myself anymore. Only today am I actually trying to do so.



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