The strangest thing happened to me today, I posted on a popular website to meet new people as I’d been alone lately. A woman answered me from Europe and I replied, 12 hours later she got back to me and told me where she was from. In the same message she asked my name which I provided.
She said she could relate to my post a lot with what had been going on in her life. I felt like I knew her, it felt very familiar. She replies with my full name and I return with my nickname for her. It turns out to be my ex girlfriend who I just broke up with.
We talked a lot after that, I thought she would just stop replying but we talked and had the most meaningful conversation we’ve had in months. I’ve felt nothing but either determined, pissed off or caffeinated for a while now so you can imagine. Suddenly emotions.
We reconciled and she seems to have grown since we have been away. We spoke the whole evening and we were honest with one another, I feel like this she hasn’t let me in like this in a while. A few things occurred to me during the conversation that may be important.
If we hadn’t spoken today we may not have spoken for months or ever. She said she almost deleted it because she was tired but she finished it before bed. Today she told me she loved me and when she found out other women were interested she opened up and said she was afraid of losing me.
She was afraid that by the time she is okay it will be too late. I’ll be gone and she isn’t half wrong. I could have easily done so if I had to. It’s been a fucking weird day for me. We’re not back together but this is a start. She needs to learn to let me in, I know it’s not on purpose.
She said that people haven’t been the best to her when she opened up in the past. I promptly reminded her that I’m not people. I pointed out how she spoke about loving me, fell asleep with me and spoke about us having a life together but she hasn’t let me in. Paradox much?
She seemed to understand this logic. Again a step forward. She’s changed a little and for the better but she’s still herself. I do see through her, I just wish she would tell me rather than let me read her. I’m willing to be patient and assured her that I’m not going to disappear on her. She misses me and loves me, I guess that’s a start.
She finally dropped the bullshit and pulled back when she realised I could see someone else. Why should it have taken so much for her to do this. I had to reassure her that of all people I will accept her for who she is and how she feels. Does she not think that’s important to me?
I have to get the fucking difficult ones… despite being difficult she’s a sweet woman. Warm, caring in her own way. I guess we’ll see where it goes. This lifts a weight off me, I’ll admit.
I still don’t like pina coladas though…