I think we all need to be a little more like Tom here…
I have no idea how this will be achieved but it needs to happen. I’ve smoked some to wind me down and now I’m sitting in my room, dim light of the laptop the only thing cutting through total fucking darkness. Seems like a nice enough environment. Now I just have to entertain myself.
I was considering breaking out the old PS2. Shooting people in the face can be quite therapeutic I just say. Yes I really do hate a lot of people right now. I just can’t be bothered with the long ass set up. I recently ran into classical art memes and edgy Egyptian memes which are the only things that have made me smile in a long time.
Maybe i should try rain sounds. Funny to think that all this wouldn’t matter if I was sipping devassa, eating shrimp and getting laid on a nice beach in Rio. Isn’t it funny? How getting laid almost nulls and voids everything else. I’m really at a loss here. I have no idea what the fuck to do.
I have to write an important letter tonight but other than that there’s not much else I have to do. I think what would be nice right now is laying in here with someone. You know the nice nights where the lights are off and you’re both in bed together. I miss that.
This is pretty sad. I used to be such a chilled out person but now I literally don’t remember how to relax. I might have to write some more just for something to do. This is one of those nights where nobody is around. Everybody is busy. I really do need to learn how to have fun on my own again. I also need to relax before work but I’m still dealing with her birthday shit. Things haven’t been great but I’ve been mailed so many things by that girl I have to reciprocate lest I feel like an asshole.
Still, what to do?
Already pretty faded from San Miguel and smoking sessions with my friend. I walked to the bar paying attention to the cute Ukrainian bar maid, then ordered a Czech Pilsner because it’s what I used to get at the bar with her. You can tell what kind of night this is already can’t you?
It was something like that scene where the ship is sinking and the captain orders out his finest alcohol for his last drink. After I’d ordered the drink we went to sit down outside because their beer garden has a sheltered area. The monsoon came to London yesterday. I spent a majority of my day soaking wet.
We had actually tried to catch some live music at a different bar but nothing was on yesterday so having already traveled a few miles on foot and sat down for food we decided we would continue up to our usual haunt. We ended up being there for the best part of an hour, we got bored and left. It was the way home that things got interesting.
In my haze I thought that mixing monster rehab with vodka was a smart idea. You can tell how wasted I was because I never drink vodka. I also decided a cider would be a good idea and eventually the intoxication got to me causing me to vomit. In retrospect I don’t know what the fuck I was doing because I wasn’t enjoying it.
I think I was out for self destruction, trying to melt myself down because everything had gotten to me so badly that I wanted to be destroyed. Maybe then I’d sleep and stop thinking of the things that bother me. I remember passing out when I got home but still feeling no better than I had when I went out.
The entire night seemed like a waste of time and energy, I remember feeling bored and as if nothing of value had been achieved. I wish I had just stayed at home. I sent half a dozen messages that night and accidently sent my picture message about how fucked I was too the wrong person with pretty hilarious results. I’d sum up the night something like this…
I’ve spent so much time upset I’ve forgotten how to laugh or have fun or even relax properly. I literally can’t enjoy myself anymore. Only today am I actually trying to do so.
I’ve basically had enough. I really can’t be asked anymore, I’ve gone through too much shit and stress lately to give a fuck about anything beyond myself. I’d say I’ve gotten to the point where caring is something beyond my capability. Self preservation is all that’s left for me. I’m tired of being upset, down, angry and I just don’t have the energy to spend fucking around with someone who doesn’t give a shit about me half of the time.
Why should I even fucking bother? I don’t have the time or emotional capital for that kind of investment. I’ve gone out gotten fucking wasted, smoked too many spliffs and none of it made a difference to how I feel so that was a pointless exercise that I shall post about soon.
I’m just looking at feeling better in myself rather than worrying about anybody else in my life. The people I keep in my life are there for a reason. I’m not going to bother trying to include anyone who doesn’t want a part of it.
I’ve slayed every last fuck I have to give.
I should be in Rio De Janiero eating shrimp and sipping Devassa in a nice little beach side bar/restaurant with the woman I love. Forgive me if I’m a little pissed off but I got drinking San Miguel, under a parasol with a microwaved Mc Rib, in England. I feel like somewhere I drew the short straw…
I just got word that I may have a job already, I may even start Tuesday. I’ll be help for a stone mason which means a lot of heavy lifting. I could do with the exercise. I feel like I’ve gotten physically weaker and it’d be nice to have some muscle definition again.
My days will consist of marble, granite and such. Good times. With my redundancy pay I should have a nice sum of money. I can start saving and all my monetary issues will be solved.