A small success. 

Posted in General with tags , on March 19, 2017 by MISANTHROPIST

Lately I would say the only thing I’ve made progress with is my physical appearance. Lost some weight mainly from not eating much. Results are pretty good. Then I decided to go get a haircut. Although this time I thought about it, chose a few examples and asked my hairdresser to do whichever suited me.

Well she’s definitely worth the money I’ve been paying her. I’ve had lots of looks and compliments which feels strange almost. Women that know me reacted entirely differently. I even ended up getting a random compliment from a guy I used to work with saying I looked good. A few of the people I used to work with are looking at a catch up which I, out of character, arranged.

I’m not going to lie one thing I dislike about the haircut is that if I don’t style it I hate how it looks. I dislike that I have to maintain it but it appears to have been worth the effort. I’m taking better care of myself I suppose. I’m making efforts towards looking like a person again. Apparently I’m doing well.


After dark, a golden dawn.

Posted in Uncategorized on March 19, 2017 by MISANTHROPIST

There’s an odd silence to this day. Even with the house full of people it’s quiet. I’m here cooking a meal, for a while it was chaotic but now I’m in the final stages before we actually sit and eat it. Cooking for five this evening. Indian food in general is a long process but usually worth it.

After the last few days I don’t really feel so bad. She went from acting like I’d knifed her in the heart to being absolutely okay in 24 little hours. In my experience that means very few things. Likely none of them good. I’m happy she’s okay but something about it is off. You don’t go from what she told me to completely fine. Well as long as she’s fine. 

Now about me. What am I to do? Reassess the situation and make my move accordingly. It’s not like I’m usually short of company. I admit I do have some amazing women in my life. They are all very different people but each beautiful in their own right. I’m glad I made the effort to meet new people. 

The last few days have been boring to the point where I’ve been in bed before 10pm. To some people that’s very normal but for me it’s usually 12am earliest. I like it better after dark. I’m that bored it feels like I’m stuck passively doing nothing, endlessly. Cabin fever? Whatever you want to call it, it sucks. 

The food was well received. Apparently my cooking has exceeded itself. I think that’s because I literally have nothing else to focus on right now besides the tasks of the day. I’ve enjoyed the peace in some ways but now it’s gotten to the point where doing nothing has grown tedious. 

I’m hoping to do something nice with my evening whatever it may be. Nothing is as I would like it right now but at least it’s peaceful with nothing left fight over. The words of Marcus Aurelius have been helpful to me of late. A friend of mine shares views that mirror those I’m reading. I guess again I concede that she has a point.

I need to live now. I’m going to do something worth doing this evening, I started with the meal, now I’m writing to you. I plan to do something fun, laugh a little maybe. It’s not wonderful here but it is calm. The night from here is whatever I make of it. 


Here be dragons.

Posted in Uncategorized on March 17, 2017 by MISANTHROPIST

People have many preconceived notions about London. It’s actually a lot more like this where I grew up.


A demon.

Posted in Uncategorized on March 17, 2017 by MISANTHROPIST

Recently I’ve been thinking about myself a lot. I’ve never really ran away from a battle. I stand there and fight, against an enemy, for something I believe in. Against myself even. The battles are perpetual. The thing about battles is you get scars, physical and emotional. With enough scars you become as ugly as you seem.

I’m covered in them. Some have faded, some are visible and others invisible to the naked eye. When it gets cold my skin gets pale, all my scars are revealed. I’m covered in them, each has a story. Together they are a mural of wars won and lost. People find them disconcerting, I’ve had people get nervous around me as a result of them.

Constant battles have turned me into a demon. Recently a woman I’ve come to admire asked me if I look for wars to fight. She said that I always have a choice to not fight. She questioned whether I love the battles and that’s why I fight them. I remember a point in my life where if it were not for anger I would have layed down and died.

Recently I had an argument with someone I love very much. Then and only then did I feel like a monster. A demon. When you battle against someone you love there are no winners only losers. The victory was a bitter one. Felt like eating glass.

Sure I got her to admit her wrong but at what cost. A knife so long I might as well have stabbed myself with it. You hurt someone you truly care about and only later do you realise that you’re only hurting yourself. A self inflicted wound, my gift an impeccable aim. All the ashes piled up in my wake.

Thing is you can’t fight over ashes. My intent wasn’t malicious. When she took a shot at me I responded in kind but I forget at times that not everyone is like I am. A demon. Not everyone can take that and get back up. Some people are fragile. Usually I would say it’s not my problem seeing as you took a shot at me first.

To see the look on her face, I felt like I’d kicked a puppy. She looked betrayed and like I had hurt her badly. I felt like a monster at that point. Suddenly none of it mattered. I feel like I shot her in the heart and only when she lay bleeding before me did I realise that I had shot myself.

A man on fire, I had burned everything I held dear. Right and wrong didn’t matter. Just the look on her face as I fired words like bullets. It was the moment I stopped to think that she wasn’t my enemy and I had originally come to talk. I calmed down then.

That’s the thing, they never do see your perspective until it’s forced upon them.

Do I regret telling her the truth. No. Do I regret hurting her with it, Yes.

Was it worth it? No. Hopefully something will change. I’ve realised my capacity for destruction and what all the battles have made me.

A demon.

Posted in Uncategorized on March 16, 2017 by MISANTHROPIST

Up a ladder and into a hole. 

Posted in Uncategorized with tags on February 27, 2017 by MISANTHROPIST

MON 27th FEB [12.54 am GMT]

A new day, fitting, a nice day to start again. I’ve written this date because I want to look back on it later. I’ve written GMT because when I re-read this post who knows where I will be. What far away place I could be in. Let’s first take a look at the beginning of 2016 what I had and what I lost.

  • The job
  • The partner
  • Money
  • A degree of happiness.

This list isn’t something to despair over but an example of the universe and the impermanence of all things. Just this once though you’d love if something could be more permanent. It is simultaneously the greatest gift and tragedy of life: something always changes.

What is important is that everything which has happened this year either taught me some skill or gave me an experience whether that be positive, negative or both. It is important to take these with me, if I do not only then will it truly be a waste. My time on this rock is short, that’s something I am acutely aware of… I should not waste a moment of it lest I regret it as I live my last.

I now have to identify the issues, examine them and make changes where applicable. If something cannot be changed then what is useful should be salvaged and preserved, that which serves no further use should be discarded. It will do me no good in the long run. I’ve managed to lay a solid foundation and though it may seem that everything fell apart I still have that foundation. I’m in a better position than I was a year ago despite it not feeling like it.

I’m writing now because I’m finally at a point where I feel okay enough to do so. It’s my favourite kind of evening with a steady rainfall outside. I’m in my bed wrapped in the blanket of darkness, with the sound of rainfall it’s an oddly relaxing atmosphere. 

She asked me “Why do you like the dark?”

I like the dark because it’s comforting. Like a blanket, the hug of a mother. All encompassing and peaceful, away from the carnage of the sun. It’s when I feel like I can exist, think and express those thoughts. Some of the best moments of my life have been spent exactly this way, darkness with the sound of rainfall in the background. Almost as a mother sings her child to sleep.

Talking of her, she’s made quite the impression on me. An impressive woman. It almost scares me how alike we are at times. I don’t quite remember being so taken by someone. I feel truly understood by her. “I see you, I understand you.” 

I’m not sure if she even knows how rare that is for me. Maybe twice in my life that has happened to this extent. Even the first wasn’t as exact as this time. I don’t think I was aware of how attracted I am to her until recently. I range between being fucking impressed and wanting to jump her. 

In the words of Bukowski:

I can only wait to see where it goes but if it is possible I will have her. She’s too… (I don’t even have a word for her) to let pass me by. The first time we met she saw right through me and called me out on my bullshit. Something I’m not used to, instantly gaining a level of respect. Little did I know she reads people as well as I do. 

Unfortunately my boss at the store expected sales to boom quite quickly. Which never happens, I feel his unrealistic expectations led to him jumping the gun. He basically can’t offer me the hours without losing money. I’m negotiating right now a percentage of sales. If the percentage is right I will then ask if he will pay me some amount for my efforts towards increasing sales. If I cannot be paid for my efforts we will have to part ways. I’m not angry about it beyond feeling that my time was wasted and that he has been naive. 

In other news my old job finally shut down. Likely fined out of existence because my old boss never learned anything the first time. I cannot say that I’m surprised. In regards to my ex girlfriend, I don’t know if anyone reading will have experienced this but I’m willing to hazard a bet some of you have been here. Have you ever stayed in contact with an ex and realised that the more they talk the less you like them? I think this is giving up the ghost. Girl has much to learn before getting herself involved with any man. Unfortunately I was that man. I’m almost beyond caring about it, just strikes me how much I suddenly dislike her as a person which is almost sad considering I loved her at one time. C’est la vie?

The past month I’ve felt very much like this: 

I’ve thought a lot about why that is, I’ve beaten myself half to death over it and come to the conclusion that while there are many things I cannot change and never could there are some things that can be changed. I’ve spent a lot of my time on chores to the point where I do nothing that makes me happy. There was a point where I would stay up late and do something I really enjoyed, I don’t do that at all anymore. I go to bed when I’m not even tired and basically live around my duties. I drone though every week doing what has to be done, once all is completed I barely even have the drive to do anything I would want to do. That has to change for my own good.

As always I’m bored but I don’t have to be. Opportunities are basically infinite and I forget that oftentimes. I really need to find something that interests me, I also need to keep writing because I’ve slacked on it and many other things in the past few months. I also have to remind myself that being lonely is okay, I’m not a robot. Being lonely sucks but it’s better than being in a bad relationship. Sometimes I feel like this:

Things will change as they always do but I’m not going to lie and say I didn’t wish she was in this bed with me. She’s like a morphine almost. Takes the edge off of life and loneliness. Eases suffering, makes me feel warm and live. That’s something I need right now. I hope to one day return that happiness and a solace she has brought to me.

I should go to bed now, I have another Non-Day tomorrow.


Posted in Uncategorized on February 24, 2017 by MISANTHROPIST

I survived because the fire inside burned brighter than the fire around me. I fell down into that dark chasm, but the flame burned on and on.