MON 27th FEB [12.54 am GMT]
A new day, fitting, a nice day to start again. I’ve written this date because I want to look back on it later. I’ve written GMT because when I re-read this post who knows where I will be. What far away place I could be in. Let’s first take a look at the beginning of 2016 what I had and what I lost.
- The job
- The partner
- A degree of happiness.
This list isn’t something to despair over but an example of the universe and the impermanence of all things. Just this once though you’d love if something could be more permanent. It is simultaneously the greatest gift and tragedy of life: something always changes.
What is important is that everything which has happened this year either taught me some skill or gave me an experience whether that be positive, negative or both. It is important to take these with me, if I do not only then will it truly be a waste. My time on this rock is short, that’s something I am acutely aware of… I should not waste a moment of it lest I regret it as I live my last.
I now have to identify the issues, examine them and make changes where applicable. If something cannot be changed then what is useful should be salvaged and preserved, that which serves no further use should be discarded. It will do me no good in the long run. I’ve managed to lay a solid foundation and though it may seem that everything fell apart I still have that foundation. I’m in a better position than I was a year ago despite it not feeling like it.
I’m writing now because I’m finally at a point where I feel okay enough to do so. It’s my favourite kind of evening with a steady rainfall outside. I’m in my bed wrapped in the blanket of darkness, with the sound of rainfall it’s an oddly relaxing atmosphere.
She asked me “Why do you like the dark?”
I like the dark because it’s comforting. Like a blanket, the hug of a mother. All encompassing and peaceful, away from the carnage of the sun. It’s when I feel like I can exist, think and express those thoughts. Some of the best moments of my life have been spent exactly this way, darkness with the sound of rainfall in the background. Almost as a mother sings her child to sleep.
Talking of her, she’s made quite the impression on me. An impressive woman. It almost scares me how alike we are at times. I don’t quite remember being so taken by someone. I feel truly understood by her. “I see you, I understand you.”
I’m not sure if she even knows how rare that is for me. Maybe twice in my life that has happened to this extent. Even the first wasn’t as exact as this time. I don’t think I was aware of how attracted I am to her until recently. I range between being fucking impressed and wanting to jump her.
In the words of Bukowski:
I can only wait to see where it goes but if it is possible I will have her. She’s too… (I don’t even have a word for her) to let pass me by. The first time we met she saw right through me and called me out on my bullshit. Something I’m not used to, instantly gaining a level of respect. Little did I know she reads people as well as I do.
Unfortunately my boss at the store expected sales to boom quite quickly. Which never happens, I feel his unrealistic expectations led to him jumping the gun. He basically can’t offer me the hours without losing money. I’m negotiating right now a percentage of sales. If the percentage is right I will then ask if he will pay me some amount for my efforts towards increasing sales. If I cannot be paid for my efforts we will have to part ways. I’m not angry about it beyond feeling that my time was wasted and that he has been naive.
In other news my old job finally shut down. Likely fined out of existence because my old boss never learned anything the first time. I cannot say that I’m surprised. In regards to my ex girlfriend, I don’t know if anyone reading will have experienced this but I’m willing to hazard a bet some of you have been here. Have you ever stayed in contact with an ex and realised that the more they talk the less you like them? I think this is giving up the ghost. Girl has much to learn before getting herself involved with any man. Unfortunately I was that man. I’m almost beyond caring about it, just strikes me how much I suddenly dislike her as a person which is almost sad considering I loved her at one time. C’est la vie?
The past month I’ve felt very much like this:
I’ve thought a lot about why that is, I’ve beaten myself half to death over it and come to the conclusion that while there are many things I cannot change and never could there are some things that can be changed. I’ve spent a lot of my time on chores to the point where I do nothing that makes me happy. There was a point where I would stay up late and do something I really enjoyed, I don’t do that at all anymore. I go to bed when I’m not even tired and basically live around my duties. I drone though every week doing what has to be done, once all is completed I barely even have the drive to do anything I would want to do. That has to change for my own good.
As always I’m bored but I don’t have to be. Opportunities are basically infinite and I forget that oftentimes. I really need to find something that interests me, I also need to keep writing because I’ve slacked on it and many other things in the past few months. I also have to remind myself that being lonely is okay, I’m not a robot. Being lonely sucks but it’s better than being in a bad relationship. Sometimes I feel like this:
Things will change as they always do but I’m not going to lie and say I didn’t wish she was in this bed with me. She’s like a morphine almost. Takes the edge off of life and loneliness. Eases suffering, makes me feel warm and live. That’s something I need right now. I hope to one day return that happiness and a solace she has brought to me.
I should go to bed now, I have another Non-Day tomorrow.