Archive for life

Gravity’s kiss

Posted in General with tags , , , , , , , , , on September 17, 2017 by MISANTHROPIST

Well a lot has happened since I last updated and what goes up must, inevitably, come down. So here I am. I was quite happy where I was until things went tits up, I think I’ll begin with the job as it seems like a great way to start. Let’s just say I’m not working there anymore on principal. You don’t pay me I don’t work, I think I was fair and patient with my employer. I just have one question: How stupid are you if you attempt to screw over the guy that earns your business money, trains the newbies, deals with admin and IT?

The answer to that is: A couple grand short. It was a simple thing really, I work and you pay me. I was lead to believe employment had worked like that for a while now. To be honest the employers loss of money and reputation wasn’t worth the silly amount of money she refused to pay me (half of my wages) now she has lost more than triple that amount in clients and I’ve called my old co-workers in the same industry and informed them of the situation so nobody with any useful experience will work for her.

Other than that I’ve locked my computer and all files are encrypted so it’ll take her a while to recover that information. I also uncovered some illegal activity that would likely have my ex employer sent down for fraud. Beyond that I could call her place of worship and inform them of a few big no-no’s which would likely lead to her religion’s version of being excommunicated. I haven’t done these last two because despite my anger at her I am not a sociopath. Crippling her business is enough. 

Other than that I took two parting gifts. The list of our business partners and the administrative passwords for all business accounts except the banking information. I don’t want to touch that with a barge pole. That’s the thing when you let people assume you are benign, they feel safe. They don’t realise you’re watching, listening and putting the pieces together. Doesn’t help when your OPSEC is like wet cardboard. All going well I will go into business with those partners I previously spoke of because in this particular industry I have a reputation.

If I’m feeling particularly malicious I may inform those partners that my boss has been very dishonest and effectively destroy their business relationship. Until then I’m looking to make some fast money, nothing illegal but just enough to get by. This particular even and a few more are the reasons I haven’t posted here in many months, then again by now any regular reader is probably used to this behaviour, something I have apologised for on many occasions now.

Back to my employer for a moment, if she thought I was stupid and that I trusted her for a second then she underestimated me greatly. Her mistake. This is business and you don’t get anything for free, if you try to screw a partner then you deal with the consequences of such actions. If anything losing thousands is getting off lightly.

Some of you may be wondering if doing something like I have done will get me blacklisted in some way, it won’t. The simple reason for this is she has committed a crime. If she blacklists me in any way I will blacklist her life and I’ve made it abdundantly clear to my her.

I’d continue from here but I think each of these events warrants a separate post…

-Misanthropist 

Advertisements

Velocity.

Posted in Legal, Misanthropy, People, Relationships, Work with tags , , , , , , , on May 21, 2017 by MISANTHROPIST


Well a lot has changed since I last wrote anything here, that is primarily the reason for my absence. Much has changed. I am back in work, within law and quite enjoying doing so. There’s also a good chance for progression and as of recently I’ve decided law is what I want to go into at any level. 

I’m not too worried about money now as I have enough to live comfortably for myself. Women, there are some amazing ones in my life and I feel that I cannot complain about much. I’m better off than I was the last time I wrote anything. I have a few plans for what I’m going to do next. What woman I want and much more. 

I still dislike Sundays even a nice one like this has been. I’ve sat in the sun. Had some beers, a smoke and did some research. Clothes, pressed and ready. Lunch already made. I’m finished so early in the evening. Just have to take a shower soon. Then in the morning back to work, the only work I’ve ever enjoyed.

I cannot wait to get paid. I need a suit. I already have it picked out of course. After payday I have no worries whatsoever financially speaking. Also my contract is up so a new phone. Only real bills I have to pay out are a phone bill and a little owed. I’ll likely require an accountant at one point.

The only thing about working in this field is it attracts some cut throat people. Like a co-worker whom I’ve known for since I studied. Attempted to steal from the boss by manipulating me into doing bringing the information out of the building unwittingly.  Didn’t work, there’s very little to report due to my preventing it from ever happening. She was leaving the same day. 

Won’t be an issue. It’s just that I once  saw her as a friend, the audacity of this woman. To believe she could pull that off she must think I’m stupid. She either would have gotten away with it or I would be thrown under the bus. I admit I was firstly tempted to go about retaliating by destroying her chances of a career and ruining her relationship with many people. I’d rather let her scuttle out of my sight. Misanthropy is alive and well.

I’m set for management all going well. I’m capable of training and learning more than my boss ever expected. I’ve also shown my boss new resources and methods to prevent fraud and get information. So she’s quite happy with me right now. 

The only unfortunate thing is that work is now a large part of my life. I have a plan and an idea of the woman I’d like in it but I’m very much forced to split my time. Some luxuries I’m afforded include doing my own work and out of hours work. I’m still very much focused on refining myself and honing what the skills that got me here. 

I have a plan A, B and C. So even if something were to go wrong I’d have options. I’ve received messages with job offers from other companies. People know my work, likely affiliated with partners. In a few months time I’ll likely be looking for my own place. I leapt basically.

This is where I landed.

-Misanthropist.

Up a ladder and into a hole. 

Posted in Uncategorized with tags on February 27, 2017 by MISANTHROPIST


MON 27th FEB [12.54 am GMT]

A new day, fitting, a nice day to start again. I’ve written this date because I want to look back on it later. I’ve written GMT because when I re-read this post who knows where I will be. What far away place I could be in. Let’s first take a look at the beginning of 2016 what I had and what I lost.

  • The job
  • The partner
  • Money
  • A degree of happiness.

This list isn’t something to despair over but an example of the universe and the impermanence of all things. Just this once though you’d love if something could be more permanent. It is simultaneously the greatest gift and tragedy of life: something always changes.

What is important is that everything which has happened this year either taught me some skill or gave me an experience whether that be positive, negative or both. It is important to take these with me, if I do not only then will it truly be a waste. My time on this rock is short, that’s something I am acutely aware of… I should not waste a moment of it lest I regret it as I live my last.

I now have to identify the issues, examine them and make changes where applicable. If something cannot be changed then what is useful should be salvaged and preserved, that which serves no further use should be discarded. It will do me no good in the long run. I’ve managed to lay a solid foundation and though it may seem that everything fell apart I still have that foundation. I’m in a better position than I was a year ago despite it not feeling like it.

I’m writing now because I’m finally at a point where I feel okay enough to do so. It’s my favourite kind of evening with a steady rainfall outside. I’m in my bed wrapped in the blanket of darkness, with the sound of rainfall it’s an oddly relaxing atmosphere. 

She asked me “Why do you like the dark?”

I like the dark because it’s comforting. Like a blanket, the hug of a mother. All encompassing and peaceful, away from the carnage of the sun. It’s when I feel like I can exist, think and express those thoughts. Some of the best moments of my life have been spent exactly this way, darkness with the sound of rainfall in the background. Almost as a mother sings her child to sleep.

Talking of her, she’s made quite the impression on me. An impressive woman. It almost scares me how alike we are at times. I don’t quite remember being so taken by someone. I feel truly understood by her. “I see you, I understand you.” 

I’m not sure if she even knows how rare that is for me. Maybe twice in my life that has happened to this extent. Even the first wasn’t as exact as this time. I don’t think I was aware of how attracted I am to her until recently. I range between being fucking impressed and wanting to jump her. 

In the words of Bukowski:


I can only wait to see where it goes but if it is possible I will have her. She’s too… (I don’t even have a word for her) to let pass me by. The first time we met she saw right through me and called me out on my bullshit. Something I’m not used to, instantly gaining a level of respect. Little did I know she reads people as well as I do. 

Unfortunately my boss at the store expected sales to boom quite quickly. Which never happens, I feel his unrealistic expectations led to him jumping the gun. He basically can’t offer me the hours without losing money. I’m negotiating right now a percentage of sales. If the percentage is right I will then ask if he will pay me some amount for my efforts towards increasing sales. If I cannot be paid for my efforts we will have to part ways. I’m not angry about it beyond feeling that my time was wasted and that he has been naive. 

In other news my old job finally shut down. Likely fined out of existence because my old boss never learned anything the first time. I cannot say that I’m surprised. In regards to my ex girlfriend, I don’t know if anyone reading will have experienced this but I’m willing to hazard a bet some of you have been here. Have you ever stayed in contact with an ex and realised that the more they talk the less you like them? I think this is giving up the ghost. Girl has much to learn before getting herself involved with any man. Unfortunately I was that man. I’m almost beyond caring about it, just strikes me how much I suddenly dislike her as a person which is almost sad considering I loved her at one time. C’est la vie?

The past month I’ve felt very much like this: 

I’ve thought a lot about why that is, I’ve beaten myself half to death over it and come to the conclusion that while there are many things I cannot change and never could there are some things that can be changed. I’ve spent a lot of my time on chores to the point where I do nothing that makes me happy. There was a point where I would stay up late and do something I really enjoyed, I don’t do that at all anymore. I go to bed when I’m not even tired and basically live around my duties. I drone though every week doing what has to be done, once all is completed I barely even have the drive to do anything I would want to do. That has to change for my own good.

As always I’m bored but I don’t have to be. Opportunities are basically infinite and I forget that oftentimes. I really need to find something that interests me, I also need to keep writing because I’ve slacked on it and many other things in the past few months. I also have to remind myself that being lonely is okay, I’m not a robot. Being lonely sucks but it’s better than being in a bad relationship. Sometimes I feel like this:

Things will change as they always do but I’m not going to lie and say I didn’t wish she was in this bed with me. She’s like a morphine almost. Takes the edge off of life and loneliness. Eases suffering, makes me feel warm and live. That’s something I need right now. I hope to one day return that happiness and a solace she has brought to me.


I should go to bed now, I have another Non-Day tomorrow.

-Misanthropist. 

My thoughts, these walls, this night.

Posted in Business, General, Useless information., Work with tags , , , , , , on January 13, 2017 by MISANTHROPIST

I’m not usually awake at this hour anymore, let alone writing and that’s because I sleep like a real person. I’m finally used to being alone and since I began succeeding in my endeavours I’ve slept the sleep of the dead. 

I’m a manager and business co-owner, ain’t life just awful strange? How loss translates into motivation, how I ended up here. Sometimes I think about where I will go from here. I appear to have success in a business environment. 

I’m looking at two pay days in the next month. One final payment  from unemployment and two separate payments related to the job. I should use this extra money wisely. 

In terms of meeting new people it’s been mostly internet based for the moment. I’m selling myself pretty well but how many times must I sell myself before all my pieces are gone. It gets tiring putting the effort into what is likely to amount to nothing. 

Then again I got three relationships and travelled the world as a result of meeting people on the internet so I know it can pay off. It’s a total crapshoot however and you’re likely to go through a lot of people before you find one you connect with and even then nothing is promised.

On an unrelated note it snowed today, it hasn’t snowed here in longer than I can remember. As the snow fell around me I thought of her for a moment. Then I was as cold as the snow falling from the sky. All I can do is learn from my mistakes and never repeat them. 

Today saw me get soaking wet three times then snowed on, my friend waited outside the store for 20 minutes while I was shopping. I have no idea what possessed him to do that but I stopped asking questions a long time ago. It’s a shame it had been raining all day otherwise the snow may have settled.

I’m definitely in a strange place right now in terms of the way I feel about everything. At one point I’m pleased with myself and what progress I have made. Then again of all the things I did fix I couldn’t fix that which truly mattered to me. 

Someone can be your whole world one day and a stranger the next, if life has taught me anything it’s that the futures we plan with the ones we love are not reliable. I’ve planned 3 now so I feel as if I’m speaking from experience. 

All I can do is take action to better myself and my economic situation. This is my first step onto the ladder and there is no way I’m going to let anything mess this up. Especially not being upset about her, I really don’t have time for that. This will be a time of work, focus and learning.

I’ll be applying this to my own businesses one day. Let’s give her something to regret. Nothing will take precedence over looking after myself and becoming successful. Unfortunately my bank balance is more reliable than love. 

I remember thinking you can have money or happiness. I went for love and happiness, it didn’t work out multiple times so now I’m going for money. I don’t need the kind of love where you give up on the other person because things got hard. I don’t need the love of a coward.

When she’s gone I’m left with myself. I began to ask myself logically what she brought to the table and when I examine it, it isn’t much. If I were to pursue another relationship I’d want it to be with an equal. Not a glass rose. 

That is one thing I do miss about the Brazilian. We both shared that fire, both have strong personalities. Had it not gone south we would have been a great couple to this day because we were well suited. Two lions. I have days where I miss that woman.

I have to stop looking back and focus on what is in front. I need to create the rituals for massive fucking success. When I get there I’ll be proud, then I can focus on finding a plus one.

-Misanthropist. 

1 new message.

Posted in Business, women, Work with tags , , , , , , , on January 5, 2017 by MISANTHROPIST


I’m lying there in bed contemplating the last 48 hours and what went down in Liverpool Street when I hear the vibration of a message on my phone. When I first broke up with my ex part of me wanted it to be her saying she’s back…

I’ve thrown myself into the fire and now I’m not sure which woman is messaging me. I know how that sounds but I have a degree of emotional intelligence and respect for women. I’m not going to screw them around. We are friends and there are some sparks but right now is not the time. I do have my favourites however.

It feels strange to have so many women actively interested. 7 so far I think. My ex, when we spoke became interested when I mentioned one of these women is from Norway. Scandinavian rivalry maybe? All I can say is: how’d you like me now. 

I have a bet on with a friend regarding my ex, it’s for about £50. I’m pretty sure I’ll win this. When she next contacts me it’ll be about how she’s met some guy and they’re in love. If that’s the case then I guess our relationship wasn’t so strong in the first place.

If you’re wondering why it seems like I have so little faith, it’s because I’ve seen it happen before. They meet the new guy, get the feelies, it goes wrong and I get a message about them missing me and wanting to come back. Once the door is closed, it is locked and with good reason.

Back to the point: the message read that as well as a part owner of the business I’m also the manager now. Just awaiting a draft of the contract. The other night it hit me that I’ve never been so sad to be successful. I played my ace and won.

You win some and you lose some. I’m surprised sometimes that I have the tenacity to continue. I’ve met people that have truly given up and in part it breaks my heart that someone just gave up. I’ve been told that they’re surprised all this hasn’t had a greater negative impact.

There’s the scars you see and the scars you don’t see. I have enough of both. They’ve made me who I am today and allowed me to succeed where others have failed. I’m made of tougher materials, I am the sum of my experiences.

I’m sitting here now thinking of the newbie I’m going to manage. I don’t know him or her. I want a good relationship with this newbie. They’ll be the Watson to my Sherlock. I guess only time will tell. 

What I do know is that if this kicks off as planned I will not have to worry about money. Just how and where to spend it. 

Look at me. I am your manager now.

-Misanthropist.

Holding down the fort.

Posted in General, Love, Relationships, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on December 28, 2016 by MISANTHROPIST


These be sour times.

So again we spoke today, just now. It seems I was right and what I said hit home for her and caused her to rethink everything. She’s suffering and even now all I want to do is comfort her. It’s hard to know that I can’t do anything about it. Then again it’s her problem and we’re here because of her.

I do sincerely hope she’ll be okay but yeah I can’t concern myself with it. I have to think of number one now. Obviously I’m having feelings of regret and emptiness. The worst of all is sleeping alone, as a result I haven’t slept well since we broke up. 

I sleep the sleep of the dead usually, nothing brothers me enough to keep me awake. Nothing whatsoever. This has me unable to sleep. It has me wishing I had someone in this bed with me. I know I have to be strong and hold down the fort. 

This time of night is the worst.

-Misanthropist.

This Christmas.

Posted in Christmas with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 28, 2016 by MISANTHROPIST

I felt as if this year would be the year things would finally work out boy was I wrong. I’m basically back where I started without a job or a partner. Like the Ouroboros I’ve come full circle and essentially devoured my own tail.
As for my ex: it went out not with a bang but as the embers of a fire would, it slowly died. Lack of communication from her end being the water the doused the flame. Obviously I’m not without fault here but had she spoken to me when it was relevant we’d be happy right now.

The worst of it was the message I recieved as I sat down for my Christmas meal. Before that I was angry but after I couldn’t even eat my food. Again, nothing too dramatic but it cut deep. It read ‘I love you’ and those three words were a knife to the heart.

I’ve had an awful Christmas. I barely drank anything. I barely ate and didn’t so much as smoke a cigarette. You know you’re upset when the heartbreak causes you to forgo a nicotine addiction. I’m upset and I don’t think she’ll come back.

To that end I set about meeting people and I met one. A French Arab girl and things moved quite fast between us. Maybe too fast, I haven’t heard much from her since but I know she won’t forget about me. I’ll hear from her when she’s not busy.

Aside from that there’s the one girl I was talking with before I met my ex. Had things gone well I’d be dating her and I know that for a fact. She has a boyfriend now, she’s cooled down a bit but she’s keeping me around and I know why. That’s a matter of time.

If nothing ever happened between us I’d still be happy to have her as a friend. She’s a good woman and deserves happiness. Probably would have made an amazing girlfriend. She’ll make a man very happy one day.

I’m kinda disgusted with myself at how quickly that happened with the other girl. I feel like I’ve finally become fully steeled to loss. I don’t know how else to explain it but I’m happy to know I’m still marketable. Something kinda weird happened.

You see English girls are not really forward until they’ve consumed enough alcohol to begin the ritual that attracts a mate. Shit, Attenborough should narrate that last sentence… There was a Russian girl with her mother next to me at the lights.

I catch the sight of these beautiful ice blue eyes and assume she’s just looking around but upon looking and glancing away then back again I noticed she wasn’t hearing her mother but looking at me. Suddenly our eyes lock because she realised I was looking back and she gave me the warmest smile.

I should have asked for a number. When your heart is broken you don’t think that way. Still those piercing blue eyes were really something. Again it’s nice to know I’m still marketable.

In the end I spent my Christmas Eve talking to an old friend I met through the creation of this blog, it was nice to catch up. We don’t get to talk so often but I do enjoy talking to him. If he were in the same country as myself we would be hitting the bars. Thanks for the talk mate. I needed that.

I’ve had writer’s block for some time, that and dealing with my relationship problems have stopped me from writing. I was able to write a full post this time so I’m guessing I’m doing better.

I’m still not entirely comfortable with how quickly I’m progressing because I obviously love my ex and I don’t feel it’s fair to hurt another woman because of it. I’m keeping my possibilities open. Or at least I justify it that way. It’s a mixture of loneliness and being a man.

New Years is going to be a party I’m sure. There’s always company on New Years so it’ll be acceptable. It’s the loneliness that bleeds you to death with it cuts you. My modus operandi at the present is surround myself with people, occupy myself with distractions and drink to enjoy not to get buzzed. I don’t need to be emotional right now.

All said it was nice to have family around. I got a games console, two guitars and some army boots. This is the most I’ve recieved since I was 15. It was nice to open something. If she were here, despite the shit we went through it would have been perfect. I play as though I’m alright but yeah it does hurt and I do love her deeply.

I can’t just sit here crying about it however. I’ve been around enough to know that you get upset and try to reconcile and they go with the first dude who gives them the feelies. Usually you get a message six months later stating their regret etc but but then you’re already in a relationship or seeing someone.

This isn’t a fairytale love, I’m not going to sit here and wallow in sadness waiting for Cinderella to come back and claim the glass slipper she smashed across my head. I’d love to have her back but I’m old enough to know that life rarely gives us such graces.

Right now I need a friend. You can keep your soul, I don’t want a soul mate.

Merry Christmas my ass,
-Misanthropist.