I don’t want to speak too soon but my luck might have just turned around unexpectedly. If things keep going my way then I’ll have achieved everything I want to for the meantime. If I manage to get a decent run of luck I might even achieve more than I’d imagined possible in this short space of time. I’ve been dealt a new hand. A good one. I just have to play it right.
Archive for August, 2013
I haven’t really been called in much to work lately, doing just enough to earn my keep really. I don’t see much point in doing any more than that seeing as we’re at some sort of stalemate where nobody is doing anyone any favors. Suits me just fine. I don’t exactly enjoy the place or the work so this is a blessing in disguise. Anyway, that’s a different thing entirely. On occasion that I am called into work I have a decent on foot journey which is usually enough to make sure I’m awake. Most nights I could count the hours I slept on one hand. My life is quite the juggling act.
On those early mornings I walk up a main road that leads directly into London, I walk past warehouses, refuse and sometimes even the carcass of a bird or some other unfortunate animal that either died of old age or became a victim of the road. Considering it is a main road leading to the capital its a really barren path to walk. Grey, dirty and depressing. Really sets the tone for a crappy day carrying out a mindless task that you have little or no interest in.
Eventually I get to the small turn off that could be so easily missed, I follow this path which the local authority make a pathetic monthly attempt to maintain. They do the most half assed job I’ve ever witnessed leaving discarded electronics and all manner of crap in a small ditch beside the path, I do wonder… Are they even trying anymore?
Following that dingy path further down leads on to the river.
It really is fascinating the crap you see at low tide there’s the usual rubbish like discarded buoys, suitcases, shoes and sometimes really interesting stuff like old ships that sank in the Thames, there’s one that looks like a wreck from skyrim, there’s a chest there too, you can bet someone has picked that wreck over. Then there’s whatever is being dumped in the river which looks like some sort of soap.
Some people live on the river, I can’t comprehend why someone would want too, It could be cool for a while but that feeling may be short-lived. It could be cheaper? Then again that wouldn’t be hard with the rent being astronomically high for the standard of housing provided. Can’t imagine boats coming cheap. I can’t really understand why anyone would want to live this side of the Thames.
This whole area is the most depressing place I’ve ever been too. There was a time when it was bearable, maybe because it was all I knew but now I need to escape this place. I don’t care how long it takes. Often times I find myself sitting on the concrete barrier besides the bank smoking my cigarette, before heading in for 8 hours plus of stress, wondering if this place was always so dreary. I think it isn’t just that I live in a shit hole, society itself has changed.
Don’t get me wrong I don’t want to sit on my front lawn having hour-long conversations with my neighbor but way back I remember when neighbors acknowledged each-other and there was some small sense of community. That’s all gone to shit since the early 2000’s. British Society in general seems to have undergone massive change in the last 13 years. None of it good in my opinion. America isn’t perfect but a lot of the time I find myself having a smoke, knocking back a drink or playing my guitar dreaming of a place I’d rather be.
If you live here you’ll know what I’m talking about. That innate desolation and solitude. The bottles slide into the gaps on in the bench, the stubbed out spliff ends, cigarette butts on the floor. Someone has sat there by the river drinking their sorrows away. There’s also the occasional homeless person. I often wonder why they would go anywhere near the river, its cold, exposed and desolate. There is literally nothing there for them or anyone else for that matter.
Then again you’re probably used to that kind of thing by now. I have a habit of disappearing I know. This isn’t exactly by choice. I’ll have no access to a computer. It’s my birthday next week. The last three years my birthdays have been crap and I’m not one to complain after people have put effort in but we literally did nothing, didn’t have the money and my birthday this year is going to be much the same because I don’t get paid till a while after it, surely I could postpone any plans I have until that day. Even if I did I really don’t think it’d be worth doing anything because my wage is looking slim this month and knowing my luck I’ll be working. I think being away from her really does take its toll on me. I mean it isn’t like I don’t function when she’s not around. I just don’t enjoy myself much, maybe that carried over to birthdays. Looks like I’ll be doing nothing again for the third year in a row… Is this adulthood? If so it fucking sucks.
I’ve spent a lot of time on my guitar lately and you can hear the difference. I actually have about four fully formed riffs of my own now. Who knows maybe it’ll go somewhere one day. I’d hope so because I’d like other people to hear it. Those who do actually liked it. One thing I’m suffering from is lack of decent recording equipment. I’ve done a little recording for a friend’s music. He’s more into house music and dance stuff. Not my thing. Same with Dub-step. A lot of it shouldn’t even qualify as music. There are one or two decent songs but as a genre it is a pile of crap. I’ll stick with my rock, thanks. Anyway I am extremely tired and should get some sleep.
That is such a beautiful sentence. It isn’t often that I find beauty in the world. It is also a very apt sentence. I think it accurately sums up the past year of my life. A ghost haunted by my own shadow. A lot has changed in the last year. Things have just started turning around for me but even now there are so many goals I have yet to achieve. I can’t waste any longer on the past. Let things that don’t matter truly slide. Put the past behind me and get my ass into gear. Despite the stress I guess I’m in a better position than I’ve ever been before. Although when I think about it, it doesn’t seem like I’ve come very far and it has been hell getting here. A little progress is better than none. I have a long way to go.
When I examine the myriad of problems in my life there are two that really bother me, the first is none of your damn business but thanks for the concern. What I will say is the situation is improving slowly but surely. The second one is an issue for me. I remember a time when I was extremely perceptive and I’d say more intelligent that I am right now. I guess it’s like any muscle, if you don’t use it you lose it. I think I can improve it. A simple meeting showed me I still have the gift. I think I’m just going to have to focus more and use it more often. It isn’t serious but it bothers me that I’m not as sharp as I used to be. Maybe if I were I’d be somewhere right now. That’s my own fault really.
I think during that time I always observed any group of people as an outsider because I felt like an outsider, I think that helped me a lot at the time. Then during my journey to America it was the first time I’ve ever felt that happy and contented. I think it was also the first time I felt genuinely accepted. That time was a growing period for me. I’d reached a happy medium where I wanted to socialize but didn’t give a fuck either way. It was nice. Why am I just not interested in meeting new people where I live? I don’t think everyone who lives here is an idiot but there’s a massive majority. When trouble started for me I think I lost that medium. I haven’t really regained it since.
I just can’t find anyone I want to know. Then again work has provided me with a steady stream of new people, most of them are cool people who I’m happy to work beside. I even have my own newbie. I’m fair I saved his ass a few times today because mistakes can cause you to lose your job there. People did the same for me when I started so I guess I’m paying that forward. I’m not one for karma or any of that what comes around goes around stuff, even if it does sometimes seem to be true. Work is abysmal sometimes but it does have a few very slight perks which I take advantage of. It’s nice to be in a position where your job doesn’t really matter to you.
If they fired me tomorrow I’d just thank them for freeing me. I’d miss the money and I’d miss some of the people but other than that I can take or leave it. That’s a bold statement for someone who took so long to find a job. My attitude sucks I am aware of that much but they don’t play by the rules so why should I. At the end of the day I’m doing a job for them, it is getting done on time and correctly. I’m not at fault. The cycle is broken now I can find another job. I don’t care what people say about very few jobs being out there. Once your foot is in the door you’re in the game. It just takes a lot of luck/work and sometimes a little deception to get there. The worst part is none of that should be necessary but welcome the world we live in…
I lost a good friend just over a year ago and the worst part is when someone refuses to communicate with you and yet stays on the fringe of your life. I can’t pretend he isn’t there, I almost never see him but when I do he acts like I’d resort to hitting him or physically attacking him. Then again he is paranoid. I think by now he knows I wouldn’t. He was like a little brother to me. It sucks sometimes but I’m over it, I have other friends. Maybe I haven’t known them as much but despite their faults and mine they’re still around. If you read back you’ll probably see that it was just one blow after another.
The break up I went through was hard, what’s strange is we’re back together now. It’s a good thing because you don’t meet someone you’re that well matched with very often. She’s been in my life for a long time. I’m no longer afraid of losing her because I already did and she came back. I hate to sound like an ass but I think I knew she would. Another thing, it isn’t familiarity that makes me happy to have her back. I just love her. She hurt me, she got me pretty good actually and she’s living with that now. I don’t try to make her suffer but I do wish she’d been on the other end. Maybe then she’d completely understand. Despite all that happened between us I love her. Even if she didn’t come back I think a part of me always would. To love a person when you hate most of them is a big leap. At least for me.
I think maybe I’m going to need to adapt to all these changes in my life and make more changes. I feel like this is the first step up the ladder. I wouldn’t say I’m worried about the future but I have a lot of thinking and planning to do. Finally on this blog, I think this blog must evolve to, it too must adapt. I don’t know what shape or form this blog will take but when I get some time I want to work on this place and get some decent material posted because lately I haven’t had it in me. I’m either preoccupied or sleeping. I hate having less time to myself. I’ve been messing with the idea of self employment in the future. We’ll see how it goes.
I don’t know if anyone here is aware but Andy Fox has decided to discontinue Misanthropy Today. Probably something to do with him getting on and having children, a job and a life to worry about among other things. His posts over on MT inspired me to start this place. There are clear differences between us if you haven’t noticed. I will say I’m kinda sad to see it go. There was nothing like checking that place every now and then to see if anything was posted. If anyone does go out by California do me a favor and annoy the fuck out of grandpa Foxy for me and maybe he’ll post again… I’ll give you free T-shirts…
A final thing just came to mind. I remember when I used to make jokes about how there was only 3 of you, at one point that was probably true but my readership has definitely grown and in the last year a few of you have even made contact with me. I didn’t expect that. Then again I didn’t expect anyone to find this place interesting. Expect the unexpected and all that noise. Thanks for reading, there will be more to read soon. I promise you that much. I can’t believe I’m still awake after having worked a long shift and 2hrs of sleep. It is nothing short of a miracle I am awake right now.
The past week has been very quiet for me. Apparently not putting me on rota at work is punishment of some sort. That’s cute. Sure it has been pretty quiet and the last two days I’ve been a little bored but honestly this is the best punishment ever. I shot out a few CV’s to some attractive positions I’m better suited too. Had some good ideas, did some yard work. Despite the boredom the time has been used productively. Anyway other than all the little things I’ve filled my time with, this morning I received a phone call thinking maybe it was work related I picked it up and it was my good friend’s fiancée on the phone she informed me that she was pregnant being barely awake I responded something like ‘oh, wow… wait, what? Pregnant?’
I put the phone down shortly after taking a message for somebody and later on in the day my friend showed up himself to see me, we haven’t caught up in about a week or so.
Well I just found out that a good friend who isn’t much older than myself is becoming a dad, I responded with something about getting a little time before things get crazy for him. We agreed that a few celebratory drinks were in order. He’s nowhere near ready yet but then again who is?
There’s a mix of euphoria and fear on his face that betrays the fact that he is worried, I assure him that’s natural and that he has a lot to do. I also then go about congratulating both of them. Life goes by, time has flown. Years back we’d all walk to school together and give each other shit. General kid stuff. People are having babies and working and all. It’s funny how time goes by like that. Needless to say I feel old.
I felt like I should write something…