Archive for the Love Category

Love and Art

Posted in Art, Love with tags , , , on March 20, 2017 by MISANTHROPIST


When you’re young you believe love can last forever but as you get older conviction becomes naïveté. It can last forever, just not in the way we would hope. Some people may find this picture grim, personally I don’t. Maybe I empathise because it makes me feel something I’ve known. Either way this is art in its own right. I assume they were victims of the eruption on mount Vesuvius. Their love frozen in time. The kind of art only nature can create.

-Misanthropist.

Do you like Pina Coladas?

Posted in Love, The Internet., women with tags , , , , , on January 17, 2017 by MISANTHROPIST

The strangest thing happened to me today, I posted on a popular website to meet new people as I’d been alone lately. A woman answered me from Europe and I replied, 12 hours later she got back to me and told me where she was from. In the same message she asked my name which I provided.

She said she could relate to my post a lot with what had been going on in her life. I felt like I knew her, it felt very familiar. She replies with my full name and I return with my nickname for her. It turns out to be my ex girlfriend who I just broke up with.

We talked a lot after that, I thought she would just stop replying but we talked and had the most meaningful conversation we’ve had in months. I’ve felt nothing but either determined, pissed off or caffeinated for a while now so you can imagine. Suddenly emotions.

We reconciled and she seems to have grown since we have been away. We spoke the whole evening and we were honest with one another, I feel like this she hasn’t let me in like this in a while. A few things occurred to me during the conversation that may be important. 

If we hadn’t spoken today we may not have spoken for months or ever. She said she almost deleted it because she was tired but she finished it before bed. Today she told me she loved me and when she found out other women were interested she opened up and said she was afraid of losing me. 

She was afraid that by the time she is okay it will be too late. I’ll be gone and she isn’t half wrong. I could have easily done so if I had to. It’s been a fucking weird day for me. We’re not back together but this is a start. She needs to learn to let me in, I know it’s not on purpose.

She said that people haven’t been the best to her when she opened up in the past. I promptly reminded her that I’m not people. I pointed out how she spoke about loving me, fell asleep with me and spoke about us having a life together but she hasn’t let me in. Paradox much?

She seemed to understand this logic. Again a step forward. She’s changed a little and for the better but she’s still herself. I do see through her, I just wish she would tell me rather than let me read her. I’m willing to be patient and assured her that I’m not going to disappear on her. She misses me and loves me, I guess that’s a start.

She finally dropped the bullshit and pulled back when she realised I could see someone else. Why should it have taken so much for her to do this. I had to reassure her that of all people I will accept her for who she is and how she feels. Does she not think that’s important to me?

I have to get the fucking difficult ones… despite being difficult she’s a sweet woman. Warm, caring in her own way. I guess we’ll see where it goes. This lifts a weight off me, I’ll admit.

I still don’t like pina coladas though…

-Misanthropist.

Here I go again.

Posted in Business, England, Job hunting, London, Love, Unemployment, women, Work with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on January 4, 2017 by MISANTHROPIST

About a week back now I applied for a job but instead of sending your average CV and covering letter I pitched. I started my old job in a sales position and went up from there. Everyone has to start somewhere right?

This summer: he was a salesman but the only thing he couldn’t sell… was himself. 

It’s a shit movie that either stars Rob Schneider or Will Farrell. Anyway, back to the point. So instead of the application I pitched him with ways I could improve and promote his business. I was pretty stoned and drunk if I’m honest and it was a shot in the dark. I never expected a reply.
I didn’t check my email for a number of days afterwards. I woke up one morning to the sound of my phone buzzing. I didn’t answer it right away and received a text shortly afterwards. I answered this message maybe three hours later and received another call. 

I answered this one. We had a short conversation during which I treated him as an equal rather than a potential employer. I asked him questions about his business. Extensive questions really, I wondered if I had been too forward but he was eager to talk to me.

Three days after the application he received my CV and I had a phone call within minutes. It went from a job application to a business meeting in a very short time. We arranged a time and a place. Liverpool Street, London. 

I attended the meeting and we sat down for drinks that he paid for. We discussed his business plan and marketing strategy. He was throughly impressed by my contribution and I now have a job with salary, bonuses and part ownership of the business. A small percentage but it’s a start. 

It’s funny really. I found myself again, like Ouroboros, exactly where I started. Outside dirty dicks in Liverpool Street. Where I had been staying with the Brazilian girl two years ago. I went in for a beer to celerate my success. It felt strange. I half expected her to come out of nowhere.

We walked down these roads together. I saw the ghost of her, the streets we walked and where we shared our first kiss. It was a strange feeling. If  we ever ran into one another again I’m sure it would end in one of two ways: fuck or fight. Still a part of me wanted to see her there.

So here I am, awaiting the paper work. The contract will be signed within a week. The business is vaping by the way. I’m getting part ownership with zero financial risk. I can’t complain about that. I still consider the man my boss as it’s his money and without him I’d still be up shit creek without a paddle.

God today has been weird. I have slept three hours in the last 48 and not eaten a single bite of food in the last 52 hours. Maybe that’s why I miss her suddenly. Maybe it was nostalgia. I don’t really know. Wherever gatinha is I hope she’s happy now. Jesus fuck I’m getting sentimental. 

I’ve never been so sad to be successful. 

-Misanthropist. 

Holding down the fort.

Posted in General, Love, Relationships, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on December 28, 2016 by MISANTHROPIST


These be sour times.

So again we spoke today, just now. It seems I was right and what I said hit home for her and caused her to rethink everything. She’s suffering and even now all I want to do is comfort her. It’s hard to know that I can’t do anything about it. Then again it’s her problem and we’re here because of her.

I do sincerely hope she’ll be okay but yeah I can’t concern myself with it. I have to think of number one now. Obviously I’m having feelings of regret and emptiness. The worst of all is sleeping alone, as a result I haven’t slept well since we broke up. 

I sleep the sleep of the dead usually, nothing brothers me enough to keep me awake. Nothing whatsoever. This has me unable to sleep. It has me wishing I had someone in this bed with me. I know I have to be strong and hold down the fort. 

This time of night is the worst.

-Misanthropist.

Every time just like the last, on the ship tied to the mast.

Posted in Love, Relationships, women with tags , , , , , , , , , , on November 11, 2015 by MISANTHROPIST
full circle

full circle

Funny how that fits love perfectly isn’t it? It’s actually alluding to heroin usage. Love has been compared to drugs. Maybe it’s just more personal for me. I’ve learned a lot since my last two forays into love and relationships.

The first one was painful when it ended, it really hurt me losing her. She was my best friend since we were kids but it pales in consideration to the fuckery of the second one. I’m not saying I blame her for everything but in retrospect I now know what is to be in a bad relationship.

Still it hurt to lose her because she meant a lot to me and at the time I probably would have done everything and anything to make it right and workable… Now I’m outside of it I’m like ‘fuck that’ and ‘was I stupid.’ The answer to this is yes I was and that I am not innocent.

Now I have experience of both I know what to look out for and the multitude of ways I could fuck up a good thing. It’s all a learning curve. So I set out again with fresh perspective, scars and lessons learned.

When I was younger, less experienced and more arrogant I wrote an article regarding break ups. The information was good but it was best case scenario stuff. Easier said than done I think it’s called. It’s not so easy with the intense emotions involved in an actual break up.

It’s easy to talk from the outside of these situations. When you’re there yourself in your own unique set of circumstances there is no right answer. Plenty of wrong ones though. All of the advice was rather non specific and cannot be applied so well in practice for that reason.

I should rewrite that article. This brings me to what I am looking for. I don’t necessarily have a type. I like intelligence, I have to be physically attracted to her. There has to be something special about her. I think that’s all manufactured by my own perception though.

As I mentioned I’ve met two women I like. The first one I met is a really nice woman in a really shit place. Very likeable, she’s still learning about how people can be shit. She means so well and cares so deeply that people will try to take advantage of her, and they have.

A part of me wants to teach her the skill of spotting those pricks a mile off but at the same time I’m worried she’ll become jaded as I did. So I’m just focusing on making her laugh talking to her and stressing that none of what happened is her fault.

I like her partly because I feel completely at ease talking to her, we agree on a lot of points and she appreciates my perspective. If she finds the right man she’ll be a great partner and a very happy woman.

Now the other one is something different. She seems very intelligent, eloquent and pretty fun to converse with. She’s never really thought about companionship until recently. She seems to have taken a liking to me. Quite a unique woman in many ways. I’m just getting to know her really.

There’s another girl I met too, she’s a strange one. Great sense of humour and easy on the eyes. Very clever but she doesn’t display that. Very casual in her conversation. I like her but I’m really not sure why. She’s an endearing kind of weird. Also I’m weak for a sarcastic chick.

I’m not even sure she means to be likeable but I get the feeling she’s into me. I’m going to have to test that hypothesis by throwing a compliment out there and watching her reaction. I’ll be able to tell but this one is generally quite hard to read. I like a challenge.

I’m actually looking forward to the point where I can spend some time alone with someone. What I would give to fall asleep with someone. I miss that warmth next to me at night. I’d complain about it before but now I miss having my covers stolen by a sleeping woman.

It’s funny too, how when you get into a relationship they always end up stealing your clothing. My ex fiancée still has my favourite jacket and Chelsea scarf. My other ex has my damn sweater. They both stole my damn underwear because and I quote ‘Ohh these are so comfortable.’

Or did I give the underwear away? Remember what I said about love making you stupid. That’s the sad part really. You give pieces of yourself to them both literally and figuratively. Pieces that when they walk away you can never get back. Knowing that makes me hesitant to do it all again.

I’ve had to tell myself that my experience, although it seems vast to me, is actually quite limited. Also that I shouldn’t let the outcome of past experiences dictate future ones. Your baggage can end up hurting someone you care about. I have to go in with fresh perspective.

Keep your eyes and ears open but don’t expect them to act as their predecessors did, they are individuals. You just have to let them act and judge based on their actions. Only when you can do that are you ready to start another relationship.

Knowing what I now know, letting go of the past, having felt what I felt and experienced both good and bad, I would say I’m ready now. That and the fact that I can’t get mind off fucking. Suddenly my brain is hyper sexual. I find myself being distracted when I see an attractive woman. You know that automatic head turn?

It’s not a problem until I almost get ran over because I’m distracted by the woman in the shop with the amazing ass. I really need to do something about that as its becoming a problem. I find myself meeting their gaze and smiling at them too because what is the point of admiring her if she doesn’t realise I’m doing it.

It’s not just all that though. I find myself missing cooking together and showering. Those random passionate moments where she’s walking in the hallway and you’re staring at her ass as she walks then you grab her by the hips, turn her around and start kissing her.

I actually find myself missing the attention. I’m not sure if that’s sad or not. I could use something to smile about. I’m definitely craving someone. Love and lust are powerful things.

Having gone through those last two relationships I have to ask myself: How many times must I sell myself before my pieces are gone? This time I’ll do things differently.

-Misanthropist.

Nada dura para sempre

Posted in Love, People, Relationships, women with tags , , , , , , on October 8, 2015 by MISANTHROPIST


It ended last night, when I let go. As all things do. There’s a strange sense of calm now, solace but without the sadness. I’m cold now, as calculated and reptilian as it is, sometimes you just have to cut a person from your life.

We had a conversation recently where we seemed to have reconciled our differences, she wanted to come back. Holding the bear I gave her, wearing the ring, she told me she loved me. Then nothing, now the way my mind works is usually by recognising patterns of behaviour.

A general rule of mine is that if somebody breaks a pattern something is wrong. The problem here lies in the fact that I had no pattern to observe, until yesterday. She hadn’t answered my messages in a week. She also forgot how well I know her. It’s easier to see someone for who they are when your rosey tinted lenses crack.

Something wasn’t right, she had blocked me from Facebook after an argument we had but she also friended half of the people I know. You may not agree with my methodology but if you give a hound a scent why would you be surprised when he follows it. I went with my gut and I was correct.

Now just to clarify, I had asked her directly many times and she never answered, if she had we might be friends. People frustrate me, I always stress honesty with a partner and she knows this. I have also spent six months of my life trying to fix what was broken, what is broken. Some things you can’t fix.

I don’t know why you would string someone along for that amount of time if you really don’t care, is it malice? Cowardice? I don’t know. No me importa nada mas. I’m a terrible person for looking but you come to a point where you have to know. I chase answers, especially when they are important.

I want to stress that I’ve wasted so much of my life, my time and my emotional capital that looking was a necessary step. I’m sure she wouldn’t have told me and kept me waiting for a while to tell me. After all I’ve been through with her at the expense of my own well being I came to realise our relationship had to be terminated, it’s a shame because I loved her a lot.

And to think she would let me waste a train ticket to Paris to see her, without being fully honest with me. I never wanted to go to Paris anyway. I saved money and avoided a trip I didn’t want to take, so there’s that. It’s sad to think really, she’ll go through life burning through people. Now I know why she said people always leave her alone in the end.

I had to get that off my chest, I really did care and it has affected me. At one point I loved her very much.

Some things are for the best.

-Misanthropist.

Plans have changed once more.

Posted in Brazil, General, Love with tags , , , , on July 5, 2014 by MISANTHROPIST

I’m still off to Brazil but Peru has been cancelled for another time due to various educational requirements and her having a very tight schedule. I’m going to a health spa instead now, I’m not a spa kinda guy but I guess I could do with the healthy part. It’d do me some good to get fitter and once I do I’ll have to maintain it. She has all sorts of craziness planned for me when I arrive. I’m genuinely excited for the first time in a long time. I wanted to go to Peru but yeah, it doesn’t matter. In reality she’s the reason I’m going to Brazil in the first place so as long as I get to spend time with her I’m a happy guy. It’s going to be fucking awesome.

She’s also going to be teaching me some martial arts, when she’s back in London on a more permanent basis she wants us to do Aikido together which is always fun. It’ll be good to get back into the martial arts, for fitness and its other benefits  One thing I have to give her is that she pushes me to do more, like to go to university and get my degree. I’ve had a lot of people tell me I should go, I have talents and such but yeah coming from someone like her it somehow makes a lot more sense. She’s a very intelligent girl and I know it, maybe it’s that. I’ve had women who want me to be happy but it’s more than that with her, she wants to see me do well for myself so she pushes me to do better. To be honest I’m a lot more confident than I was a year ago.

She’s not only making me happy she’s teaching me a lot about money, the value of connections and the world in general. I’ve learned more from her in these last months than I have in years. Her encouragement is helpful. I think I need that sometimes. I got so tired of people and the world in general I slipped into apathy and it isn’t serving me well at all. She’s made me realize that. This one really wants the best for me.

I feel like a kid on Christmas.
-Misanthropist.