The last year has been the unhappiest of my life, no single person or event has the honor of being the soul reason. That would be a rather simplistic view of things and rarely is life that simple. My unhappiness is multifaceted. Sometimes in life it seems you’re just unlucky, other times you’d like to ask life if it could at least take you to dinner before trying to fuck you. I don’t believe in bad luck, what I do believe is I can count on people at one point or another to screw up. Everybody makes mistakes, yes but the mistakes in my opinion are as bad as the results they produce and also that everyone pays for their mistakes. Maybe I’m paying for all mine. Karmic re-balance perhaps. What does it matter anymore. I’m not sure if I’m doing this for whoever will read it or because I can’t sleep or somehow I think it’ll make me feel better. Here they are, the reasons I’m unhappy via my shit life so far.
#1.) This one is obvious.
What was a great relationship with a girl I truly loved, more than anything I have ever loved, went to shit. At one point she was my fiancée and for a long time she was my best friend. Someone I trusted and cared about deeply through good and bad. Someone I thought I’d spend my life with. Maybe I was naive but this has been my attempt at unconditional love. The ending of this saga has left me pretty wrecked but I said to myself this would happen. For once can I just not be right? I’d like that.
#2.) I had a great job lined up, emphasis on had.
A few years back I had an awesome job lined up, killed the interview and got the job but was waiting on the go ahead for funding from the government. In the end it fell through. It’s a damn shame because I would have loved that job, it was interesting and you learned more on the job. It was a healthcare related job. It was so long ago that it doesn’t matter anymore but damn I would have loved that job.
#3.)I built a life in America at the cost of the one I had in England.
I’ve been home a while now but honestly things have never been the same, life moves on without you when you’re gone and before you know it your friend is going to be a father, people are working or generally just moving on with their lives. I have nothing, which kinda sucks. I barely have friends anymore. No money, damn I still don’t even own a cellphone.
#4.)Friendship isn’t what I thought it was.
Maybe it’s been redefined or maybe my definition was skewed in the first place but apparently friendship doesn’t count for shit anymore. I had close friends but not anymore and to be honest I don’t know if I have the energy to go through it all again. That also goes for relationships.
#5.)I live in a boring shit hole.
What is there to do here besides drink? Seriously they wonder why everyone’s smoking weed and getting drunk. There are literally no opportunities here, it’s a dead-end. Anything mildly entertaining requires money and people around here don’t a lot of it. I just can’t really relate to anyone I live with.
#6.) I worked a job I hated to make ends meet.
If you can avoid this do it. I worked the worst job ever in order to get money together to get back to the woman I love, it was a mistake and partially one I let myself be pressured into by financial needs and other factors. It’s really hard to say no to someone you love. If I could go back I’d have said no and found a better job. It was one of the worst experiences of my life.
#7.) The bullshit.
People I’ve known for years still trying to bullshit me, I really don’t have the patience for it anymore and these people know I’ll catch them out and yet they still lie. It’s silly because they know I’ll catch them out and I always do. If I don’t figure it out in the first minute, I’ll find out from someone else because people just love to talk. Seriously it’s like they can’t help themselves, everybody’s got an opinion and if you can find a way to make the conversation about them you’ll find out what you want to know rather quickly. You get to a point where you question if people are capable of honesty and then you begin to think aren’t we too old for this bullshit?
#8.)I feel I can’t trust anyone I know enough to talk to them about what’s going on in my head.
Maybe that’s why I blog. Trusting someone is stretch for me right now especially with recent events considered, if the person you really thought you knew and trusted fucked you over when you didn’t trust anyone else like that in the first place, where do you even begin to trust someone again.
#9.)I’m starting to feel like I was stupid and screwed my life up.
Probably shouldn’t have skipped college for love. That and shouldn’t have isolated myself in happiness and let everything else slip. I fucked up right there. Now I’m just kinda fucked.
#10.)A case of Anhedonia
Literally I’m finding no pleasure in anything at this moment, no comfort in anything. Now that I think about it this isn’t a new feeling. Any pleasure I do find is usually fleeting and in the long run does nothing for me.
#11.)A loss of structure.
Being unemployed my life has little structure. I’m usually bored, I hate boredom more than anything in the world. This whole loss of structure in my life has contributed to my unhappiness. It’s also probably why I’m posting on this blog at 3am.
#12.)Nothing interests me.
Nothing is an exaggeration, I have interests like my guitar etc. I rarely find anything that is interesting or challenging or even remotely fun. Everything sucks. I’d love to get a job that interests me but I’m beginning to think having an enjoyable job isn’t possible.
#13.)I find a lot of people boring.
They’re either lying to me or boring me with the latest crap on television or other small talk, all of it meaningless. I’d love to actually have an intelligent conversation with someone or just talk about something of depth. I don’t get that kind of mental stimulation from a person often but it is enjoyable when it does happen. Maybe I need to just meet more people.
#14.)The women in my life
I find certain women like me and they’re always some sort of crazy. Sometimes it’s good crazy but most of the time this isn’t the case. It would be nice to actually have some female company but if it’s gonna come with ten tonnes of baggage then no thanks. I have enough emotional baggage to fill an international terminal right now. I don’t mind helping people with their problems but at this point I’ve got my own shit to deal with. I’m not even sure why I’m likeable to some women but apparently I am. Learning this was strange for me but a boost nonetheless. I’ve distanced myself from every woman who cared about me, looking back this was probably a dick move on my part.
#15.)My life got flipped, turned upside down…
I literally have no idea what I’m going to do with my life now, I had a plan. Annnd it’s gone! I don’t know how I’m going to earn money, what I’m going to do or where I’m going to go. It’s an eerie kind of freedom. I was quite happy with the idea of having children and settling down with the person I loved but yeah I don’t think they will happen anymore. No job, no money, no girlfriend, no cellphone, no friends and now I’ve got to clean up this mess. I understand the phrase ‘a life falling apart’ now.
I could go on all night but I have to sleep at some point. These are the reasons for why I am unhappy and while I’ll continue to be unhappy until something changes. Unfortunately I can’t change what’s already happened. The things I’ve lost meant everything. That and everything else contributes to my overall misery. Isn’t life just grand?
No, it isn’t.