Archive for August, 2015

A most painful experience 

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on August 8, 2015 by MISANTHROPIST

  
You would think it stupid, an innocuous task. An annoyance at the very worst. Maybe that’s why I’ve subconsciously been avoiding the task for some time, because I knew it would be painful when I saw them. Today it came to the point where I was forced to clean up my space. The place I live in, don’t get me wrong I clean regularly. The whole house but in my bedroom I seldom scratch the surface.

If I were to go much deeper than the shallows I would begin to find and see things. Lost parts of myself, people long gone. Flames that have gone out. Like a museum and a mirror all in one. It’s not the nicest of experiences. This time was quite different. Letters, gifts, notes, clothing, toiletries, plane tickets, pictures. The whole 9 yards. 

It was a most painful experience, I can’t say I’ve ever been made to feel so awful by an innocuous task such as cleaning but here we are. When I love someone I do it whole heartedly. I don’t love by halves. The unfortunate thing is it makes breakups a painful process. Not just losing a girlfriend, but a friend, confidante and much more.

  
 These things are a part of life. Doesn’t make them any easier. I’ve thrown away a lot of things. Broken things and parts of myself that have long been lost to time. One think that is certain is that the memories fade and faces blur. Time devours all things. In some cases those artefacts were the last pieces of a memory. Some things just have to be let go of, and there has never been a better time. 

The other thing I saw in the museum of me was all that I could have become. My potential, what was wasted was painfully reflected back to me. It really put into perspective my lack of plans and how many opportunities that have passed me due to my travels. It’s funny that all this time I still have an almost instinctual urge to escape London and England all together. It’s apparent that there is as little here for me as there has ever been.

 

Sadness is okay but not when it becomes all encompassing. That kind of sadness is destructive and not healthy for anyone. Of course I’m upset, I’m just more upset about my current state of being. Feels like everything went wrong slowly over the course of a few months. I’ve lost a lot in half a year, almost everything. I’m now free of it. No obligation to anyone or anything. 

Having freedom is great but I really don’t know what to do with it. I really need to find something to occupy me. I need money, friends and more women in my life. I think it’d be wise for me to spend the next few months working on myself and getting some sort of direction because at the moment I’m slowly going nowhere.

It’s gonna be a long few months. I’m just glad I won’t have to see that stuff again. People always talk about how this sort of thing is therapeutic. I disagree. It’s more like a wake up call. Blunt, abrasive, painful. Probably necessary. I need a direction because honestly I have never had one. I also need a job.

-Misanthropist.

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This is quickly becoming the theme tune to my life.

Posted in Misanthropy, Music with tags , , , on August 5, 2015 by MISANTHROPIST

It’s almost perfect.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=-qFP-dsl2Z0

-Misanthropist 

Tedium, unemployment, drugs and other fun.

Posted in General with tags , , , on August 4, 2015 by MISANTHROPIST

  
I’ve not wrote anything in a while because I’ve been dealing with a lot of shit. Nothing new, I shovel enough shit I should be a farmhand. I’m not a happy individual as usual. I’m still looking for work. I’ve had three jobs fall through. I got them all but something went wrong each time. Murphy’s law at work.

So I’ve been forced to take unemployment. Here’s where it gets interesting… Someone in the government, between molesting children, had a brainwave and decided on something called universal credit. It seems like a great idea until you consider I’m applying early August and not getting paid till mid September.

I’m lucky my boarding is so stable, what about people who aren’t so lucky? Sure fire way to fuck people’s lives up. This has just added more complications to what is already a clusterfuck. I need to make some money. 

  
I can’t say I’ve ever looked in the mirror and hated my physical appearance before, I know I’m not a bad looking guy but I can’t help feeling disgusted with myself when I look into a mirror. That and my interpersonal relationship with the lovely woman in my life has slightly improved. Doesn’t make it any better. It’s still shit.

  
Only good news is I still have a relatively decent stash of weed and a few beers left. I’m going to have to stop drinking and smoking. I have bills, at this point it’s not a choice anymore. Things need done. From here I succeed or fail. 

I just really want to be happy again, you know? Nothing seems to be going right and at this point in time I don’t really have a plan to improve it. I just want to use the spare time from my unemployment to finish tasks around the house. That and I’m back to cooking and cleaning. 

I miss having a woman in my life, sharing a bed. Her cooking and the rest. I miss being happy. Not chemically happy due to drugs and alcohol. Sometimes it feels like that’s all I can do in London. I spend my time stuck in tedium. Somewhere down the road I lost my passions. 

 

I need to read again, learn, advance and give myself something to do so the tedium doesn’t drive me to madness. I really don’t deal with it very well. I feel like I need a purpose. Right now I feel bored, broken and useless.
This is my life. Tedium suspended, swinging like a pendulum in slow motion from one day to the next and it never gets easier.

-Misanthropist