Archive for the Unemployment Category

Guerilla job hunting

Posted in Unemployment with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 18, 2017 by MISANTHROPIST

I’ve become tired of traditional job hunting methods. You apply for the job, someone receives the application on the other end and may or may not bother to read it. Larger companies will even use software to look for keywords within a CV and if you don’t match the software will automatically throw your application out. A perfect candidate for this position may not have enough of the keywords within their application meaning it gets thrown out, software isn’t exactly a great judge of suitability for a position.

I’ve resorted to a different method of application which to some may seem backward as the employer receives the CV post-contact but so far it has left employers impressed or slightly off guard. This method serves a few purposes, the first of which is to show initiative, the second of which is to gauge the employers actual interest in you as a candidate. Tonality, language used and other factors make a person’s intentions clear in a way that isn’t accurately conveyed in an email communication. 

The second is that with this method your CV is requested by the employer themselves and not just sent to them, you are no longer just a name on a piece of paper. If the employer asks for a cv it also means that you can ask for a specific internal email address to send it to, this way it skips any employment agency or third party that the employer may have to pay for the pleasure of receiving you as a candidate. Not only are you making yourself known but in some cases you may be saving them money. 

I’ve come to notice that on some of the jobsites I’ve used they do not list the name of the company or address but rather the location of the business on a mostly unmarked map, the only other information available is the name of the person hiring. I compare the unmarked map to my google maps app in order to find the location of the business. I then do research into the role, company and individual listed on the original advertisement. After this is complete I call the relevant department.

Let’s say this is the sales manager, I will call the main line and select the relevant department. Once I’m on the phone with a sales agent I then identify myself but not the purpose of my call. I allow the sales agent to assume I’m a customer then ask to be transferred to their manager. Believing I am a potential or existing customer they usually oblige, then I am transferred to their manager after which I make clear the reason for my call.

If my time in sales and telemarketing has taught me anything it’s this: You have about 30 seconds or so to interest the person on the other end of the line. That’s where you sell yourself, because this is targeted you already know exactly what the manager is looking for so it’s like fitting two pieces of a puzzle. I’m usually asked how I got this number etc after which I explain how I used their advertisement to find them specifically. Some are impressed by the initiative some are disconcerted by it. Either way I’ve been asked for my CV every single time.

I’ve even done this with jobs where I know somebody has left or quit, sometimes a week or more before an advertisement is even posted (cue twilight zone theme). That’s the main one that disconcerts them. I use the opener ‘I recently become aware of an opening within your organisation’ luckily for me at this point they’re too weirded out to even ask how I became a privy to this information. I can’t help thinking I may have overreached in a way…

I’ll know when I’m suddenly inundated by multiple offers at once, if I look at it in a positive light my efforts may afford me the luxury of choice. I recognise this method is not for everyone but I’m basically making use of telemarketing techniques from my sales career and investigative techniques I learned. The combination of these skill sets has provided me with a greater response rate than traditional methods of application. 

I’m currently considering whether targeted emails could be a viable tactic. Again advertising myself as a candidate whilst skipping the usual CV pile. Showcase myself and my skills then wait until I get a bite. The only thing being that this would be quite time consuming as each would have to be personalised but that isn’t a far cry from your usual job hunt. I don’t really see the point of going through the usual channels, dealing with recruitment agents of having my cv and cover letter sit in an inbox until the person hiring can be bothered to read them.

90% of the time the staff I came into contact with just assumed I’m a customer who has a problem with an order or product. Assumption is my friend in this case. 

I’m surprised by the lack of negative reaction to these tactics and just like in my old sales positions, if you get a rejection it doesn’t matter really. Just make sure you’re 100% focused and you’ve pre-planned responses to their questions, kind of like objection handling in sales, so you don’t end up like (see below) on the other end of the phone.

You really cannot afford to hesitate during these calls, remain calm and relaxed at all times. Most importantly have an answer for everything because this is basically the job hunting version of cold calling. 

I’ve never had these ideas suggested to me by anybody, mainly I was just bored with normal job hunting techniques and got a little bit creative. In a way I feel like my time in marketing wasn’t entirely wasted and I’m waiting to see the fruits of my labour. It has definitely increased my response rate. 



Universal Fuck upsĀ 

Posted in Government/government bodies., Unemployment with tags , , , , , on September 17, 2017 by MISANTHROPIST

Fuck ups, across the board.

So being unemployed I applied for unemployment, as you do, which means I get to deal with my favourite people the JSA or their shitty convergence of existing services rebranded as Universal Credit. I avoided applying for as long as possible because I didn’t want to deal with them, when I did reapply I told them my reasoning for doing so and I informed them of my earnings. All above board and generally known as doing the right thing.

Lo and behold they manage to somehow fuck it up. They paid me the correct amount with deductions the first time, my second payment was the same amount. They had deducted my earnings not once but twice, all the while my advisor is telling me this is correct. Not sure if stupid or just not understanding? I think Hanlon’s razor applies here. So I call them to get it fixed and they say they will notify me when it has gone through, now they’ve made mistake three times. The wrong amount paid again. 

They also failed to notify me of it as they said they would. During my third phone call a rather confused representative I was talking to figured out that they owed me a whole months payment from previously, the time before I’d applied. Now this is all wonderful but in the time waiting for them to make three mistakes and fix them I’d run into debt so the money I had received went mostly to paying that off. I was back at 0 but that’s better than minus.

Now for me this is inconvenient but for someone who has children to feed, a mortgage or otherwise this could be a disaster. If anything I’m thankful that the confused lady on the phone listened and took time to look into my problem. I had to explain it many times but the result was definitely worth the effort. This convergence of services was supposed to make the process more efficient. That obviously failed in its objective. 

If anything it may speed up people’s journey into employment as they’ll get tired of the incompetence. I know I am, I’m already exploring the possibility of generating my own employment because universal credit and the local area has very little to offer right now. I’m basically tired of this shit. They can fuck things up multiple times without repercussions but god forbid I make a single mistake. 


Here I go again.

Posted in Business, England, Job hunting, London, Love, Unemployment, women, Work with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on January 4, 2017 by MISANTHROPIST

About a week back now I applied for a job but instead of sending your average CV and covering letter I pitched. I started my old job in a sales position and went up from there. Everyone has to start somewhere right?

This summer: he was a salesman but the only thing he couldn’t sell… was himself. 

It’s a shit movie that either stars Rob Schneider or Will Farrell. Anyway, back to the point. So instead of the application I pitched him with ways I could improve and promote his business. I was pretty stoned and drunk if I’m honest and it was a shot in the dark. I never expected a reply.
I didn’t check my email for a number of days afterwards. I woke up one morning to the sound of my phone buzzing. I didn’t answer it right away and received a text shortly afterwards. I answered this message maybe three hours later and received another call. 

I answered this one. We had a short conversation during which I treated him as an equal rather than a potential employer. I asked him questions about his business. Extensive questions really, I wondered if I had been too forward but he was eager to talk to me.

Three days after the application he received my CV and I had a phone call within minutes. It went from a job application to a business meeting in a very short time. We arranged a time and a place. Liverpool Street, London. 

I attended the meeting and we sat down for drinks that he paid for. We discussed his business plan and marketing strategy. He was throughly impressed by my contribution and I now have a job with salary, bonuses and part ownership of the business. A small percentage but it’s a start. 

It’s funny really. I found myself again, like Ouroboros, exactly where I started. Outside dirty dicks in Liverpool Street. Where I had been staying with the Brazilian girl two years ago. I went in for a beer to celerate my success. It felt strange. I half expected her to come out of nowhere.

We walked down these roads together. I saw the ghost of her, the streets we walked and where we shared our first kiss. It was a strange feeling. If  we ever ran into one another again I’m sure it would end in one of two ways: fuck or fight. Still a part of me wanted to see her there.

So here I am, awaiting the paper work. The contract will be signed within a week. The business is vaping by the way. I’m getting part ownership with zero financial risk. I can’t complain about that. I still consider the man my boss as it’s his money and without him I’d still be up shit creek without a paddle.

God today has been weird. I have slept three hours in the last 48 and not eaten a single bite of food in the last 52 hours. Maybe that’s why I miss her suddenly. Maybe it was nostalgia. I don’t really know. Wherever gatinha is I hope she’s happy now. Jesus fuck I’m getting sentimental. 

I’ve never been so sad to be successful. 


I have no mouth but I must scream.

Posted in General, Job hunting, Unemployment with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 13, 2016 by MISANTHROPIST

It’s been a long while since I last wrote anything or at least it feels like it. Turbulent times, if you’ve been reading enough you realise that despite my experiences my life in general is a chaotic clusterfuck, I’m still getting it together even now.

To that end I’ve been looking for work, I’ve found the kind of job that’s easy, well paid and I get left alone. It’s temporary with a possibility for expansion of my contracted hours. The hours mean I’ll have a social life and time to myself.

My main concern is getting out of the job centre, it’s still as fucky as ever. Nothing has changed. Upon my arrival she commented on seeing me again and I commented that she’s still having trouble with her computer. I’ll go on to explain how nothing has changed.

Firstly she sends me to agencies, physically when they all tell you to put in an application online. Second was a job that she obviously didn’t read because I don’t speak Mandarin or Cantonese a requirement of the job. I did look this one up just incase she told me she’d sanction me for not applying.

I did look up the word for idiot however. Then another job with a huge company that I didn’t even meet the requirements for.

The interview I attended today was stumbled upon by accident while my advisor tried to get her computer working. She made clear on that same meeting her only requirement is to attempt to force me into whatever employment I’m suitable for. If she keeps putting me in for jobs like that I’ll have no problem getting a job in the time before I get a payment.

UC is a mess. I have very little money at the moment and I have a month until a first payment and yet she expects me to travel for miles on public transport with next to zero funds. Her only advice is get an advancement, as if I want to owe them money.

On another note I’m kinda glad I’m out of my old job, can’t say I’ve been stressed at all since my employment ended. Only when it stopped did I realise sure I was doing great at my job but everything else kinda went to shit. I feel a bit of guilt over that but all you can do is fix it.

I need to get used to being a person again. If all works out with the job the transition into routine should be easier. I’ve been bored at home. The downside to having lots of time in your hands is you find yourself thinking too much. The upside is that some of that thinking can be productive.

All I’ve been doing is cleaning, laundry, cooking and applying for jobs. Other than that I’ve being playing the mass effect series many years too late which at this point is the normal with media. My social life is close to zero, maybe I speak with about three people.

So you can imagine the tedium by now. Between the job centre and everything else it’s all fun. That’s not to say it’s all bad, at least now things can and will change. By next week I’ll know if I’ve got the job. It’s all to perfect for me but if I can pull it off I’ll sail smoothly for a bit longer while I get everything else in order.

Once all that’s done 2017 should be acceptable. I’ll be able to work out what the hell we’re going to do about the music project, we spent a lot of time formulating a plan. If I think positively for a moment this is only a bump. That last job paid for everything I would need. I took a small amount in savings and stashed it away so I could use it for a future trip.

Realistically all of this hasn’t thrown me that far off course. Nothing I can’t fix in about 2 months. If all else fails I can make my own money, could freelance for my old work. Left on good terms. I had a conversation like this recently with someone important to me.

I’ve been down, only just came out of that feeling. You start to feel kinda useless when you work hardcore Monday to Friday then suddenly you’re doing nothing except attending job centre and getting frustrated as your money runs out. Fun times. Fortunately I just have to be patient.

On another topic entirely I’ve had this blog running for six years now. I think it needs a change. I should go back to writing actual posts rather than the sporadic updates you’ve received.

I’ll have to write again soon,


Surprise, surprise.

Posted in Job hunting, Unemployment, Work with tags , , on September 4, 2016 by MISANTHROPIST

Now there are two types of people: some who set a single alarm and wake up and others who set five and only wake up on the fifth. I’m one of the latter people. On this particular morning the fifth alarm sounded and I was fully conscious, preparing for a coffee and first cigarette of the day. The ritual must be completed.
As soon as I get vertical I received a text message from my manager saying that coming in is pointless as I’d have no work to do, the campaign I’m heading up is not running. In my pre-caffeinated haze I took this as being given a day off but as I woke up the language in the message began to concern me.

The use of ‘if the campaign restarts’ and not ‘when.’ If I’ve learned anything in my life it’s not to wait in these situations. So I may as well start firing off my curriculum vitae or I’ll end up something like this:

My CV has a lot of new additions including managerial responsibilities, recruitment and QC among other things. Should make finding work easier and I should be able to demand a higher wage for my work. Honestly at this point I don’t see how I could work for less. 


Two weeks

Posted in General, Unemployment, Work with tags , , , on August 12, 2016 by MISANTHROPIST

The two weeks or so I had off were nice at first. I was enjoying drinking with my friend and getting stoned but after a very short time it all wore thin. Obviously my bank account was getting rinsed out like laundry and I had nothing to do.

I found some enjoyment in cooking and busied myself with bills and cleaning but after a while this became tiresome, routine. I commissioned my other friend to fix my Xbox, which he did around about a week over ETA. He got the job done. That’s the main thing, only now I’m back at work.

I’m kinda glad I got the job offer because my bank was drying out and the boredom was killing me. I didn’t accept the initial terms because I’m not an idiot but I am glad I’m working again because I had days of feeling so useless it was annoying



Posted in Unemployment, Work with tags , , on August 12, 2016 by MISANTHROPIST

Firstly I have to apologise for my absence. Work tried pulling some shit so I left and after two weeks of bumming around drinking and smoking I found myself in bed at around 3pm, fucked by all accounts, when I received a phone call from what constitutes HR at my old work. Apparently a perfect position salary is the same but higher earning potential. 
Now I hadn’t bothered looking for a job but when I was asked I had interviews. Since I had not bothered to even look and the new unemployment was a fuckery I couldn’t be bothered to deal with I accepted a start on Monday, giving me two days to get ready.

I got back and it turns out my position is a gatekeeper. I make the decisions on the initial acceptance of a case. Once I accept I investigate and then submit. Not a bad job but I’m also training, providing feedback. I have about 50 people below me. I don’t really deal with them personally. 

It is my responsibility to contribute to their development in terms of knowledge. It’s better work and less fuckery. It’s better although waiting on IT to fix a problem is annoying. I always attempt to fix it first. 

The strangest part of all this is that when our staff register was reformed, that morning, I went to sign in and my name is in the management bracket. That said my pay this month is sad on account of having left my old position just under a month ago now.

My new job is half the stress but relentless recording of information, feed back, emails, updates, meetings etc. My new manager is amazing. The team consists of me and her, a middle aged Asian woman from up north. 

I enjoy working with her. I would like to take the opportunity to quote her on IT issues: ‘You’re taking the piss out of my life.’ Under us is around 50 other people. When it’s dead I have to clean up old files, resolve or delete. Maybe chase up requested information. 

They should have given us our own office. Then again being mixed is better for communication. I’ve always fucking hated sending an email to someone 200 ft away. Also I still chill will my old team mates. I’m enjoying work again which is nice.

I don’t know what else to say