Ever noticed how all your friends are slowly fading out?
Everyone seems to think they’ll have that one friend forever, I’d allow myself to believe that but it’d do me no good. They all go away in the end. You might send cards on birthdays and christmas or get the occasional phone call if you’re lucky but I highly doubt that. In my case I suppose I’m lucky that my friend is as much of a train wreck as I am. I’d be an even worse person If I didn’t encourage him to change that, I am jumping ship so it’s only fair for me to encourage him to help himself. It sounds strange coming from me but I’m kinda concerned where he’ll end up in ten years.
I started life without a plan, a purpose, I found it later on in life. From aged 13 up until two years ago there was no yesterday and no tomorrow, I went with the flow and I count myself lucky I found something to live for because if I hadn’t who knows where I’d be right now. My friendship has completely sunk and as I said before there was never anything to save.
I have changed but I never lost myself, I am still right here. They’ve all changed, that is life, they forgot who it was who would help them out and talk to them realistically about their problems. They forget who was there for them. They find something better and move on. I don’t feel like I’m owed anything. Through life I’ve helped people and once they’re okay they move on, I don’t expect a thank you or anything really. I don’t need their praise. This is why I don’t bother making friends. If somebody wants me or needs me they know where I am.
It’s pessimistic, cynical and whatever you want to call it but it’s true
‘Everyone I know goes away in the end.’
People have jobs, girlfriends and whatever but it isn’t like they don’t have time to come and see you they just won’t you’re not that important and it’s quite likely that you never were. Depressing isn’t it?
I’m past the point of caring, it all fades with time. It’s kinda antique by now. Me and my long time friend will sometimes sit with a few beers and talk about how we saw it coming and watched the friendship sink. It isn’t as if we could do anything about it. Everyone has their own separate thing now whatever it may be, they’ve changed and we are still right here.
Here’s the beautiful thing, life’s cruel joke. The men in his family have all died of cancer. I’m fairly certain he is next. I give him until he’s 40 at best. He’s a heavy smoker and drinker. He knows he’s going to die before his time and accepts it. Even he will go away eventually. One way or another everyone is taken from you. In a world like this, a good person like him, destined to die and extremely painful death from cancer, you tell me there’s a god and he loves us.
I feel like a coward sometimes for leaving the country and never coming back but I have plans. I will not die on this rock and I will not sit and watch my best friend slowly die. Maybe I am a coward but I cannot do that. Even more bitter is when your family change on you and you’re some sort of pariah because you have aspirations that involve helping yourself to go up in the world.
Ah the old familiar sting. I will remember all of it and when they want me it will bite them in the ass. I am starting again thousands of miles from home. I’m going to find my own way. London drags you down, it tries to consume you, killing your hopes and dreams. No matter how far you go she’ll always call you home. Ignoring the call is the best possible thing one can do. I’m here for now but soon I will be gone and the ghost of my past will walk these streets. I hope they don’t wonder where I am because I won’t be wondering about them. You help people, they leave when they’re okay, they come back when it goes wrong but this time I won’t be here.