Archive for April, 2017
I have managed a plus out of all this, I met a lovely woman who I would say I respect and admire. There was some progress with her but it’s too soon to tell if it matters less than I believe or maybe it’ll change in the future. I will be genuinely upset if it goes nowhere but yeah I’m pretty sure its not something you do with everyone.
I find myself genuinely caring what she thinks about me. Enough to explain myself. I also find myself caring when she feels bad. She has her days despite being as strong as she is. I actually find myself missing her when she’s away. I developed feelings for her quite quickly, which isn’t normal for me, I liked her a lot when we met but I’m guessing that grew into attraction by the way I’m talking about her. Like I said before she’s an exceptional woman and honestly I don’t see why she’s alone.
If I have my way she won’t stay that way for too long. In a way I think I’m trying to prove a point that I care about her and want her to be happy, that’s she’s wanted. I never understood why the most beautiful women think they’re ugly even when they don’t say it. Why the most most exceptional ones think they’re nothing special. She would tell me it’s all perspective. I kinda like that she’s a smart ass. Makes me smile.
I wonder where this all come from but at the same time I know. I don’t think I’ve ever met someone who is so similar to myself but different at the same time. Fucking beautiful too. She doesn’t smile much but the eyes say it all sometimes. If all goes right I could see myself being very happy with her but again it’s early days. At this point all I can do is show her I am for real.
You lose some you win some or at least make progress. I think it’s important to stress that it’s not all shit.
Recently I spoke with a woman I’ve known for a while. We’re a case of missed connections. She doesn’t quite see me the same and that’s okay but she’s been talking to me on and off, for me I believed I felt chemistry. I told her again recently that I’ve always liked her and while I enjoy her company immensely it’s hard to be around her. Being and off with me bothers me, both in terms of our interactions and her contact. She fell asleep on the phone with me less than a fortnight back, she used to do that a lot and I guess it reminded me of what was.
All I can say is it’s a damn shame, she said she doesn’t feel the same and we should cool it for a while which is reasonable. I mentioned there wasn’t really anything to cool and we’ll talk when we do. On writing this down here I realise I may have sounded like an ass unintentionally.
I let her know I didn’t mean to sound like an ass if I did. Explained my meaning etc. I’m a little upset but at the same time I can’t lose what I never had. She’s a lovely woman it’s a shame we didn’t get more time together really I truly did like her though. It’s a loss for me in a way but hey if we can remain friends that would be nice. I guess I’ll wait for the day I hear from her next and we’ll see.
Two down. This one isn’t a plus however.
Today I’m sad but I shouldn’t be. I guess the fact that I feel something means I’m human and I was right when I said this is a battle nobody can win. When it all goes out the window you can’t do much more than defend yourself. Even if it was easy I can’t say I took any joy from it.
I’m not sure when the sweet woman I once loved turned into a narcissist. She keeps saying I need to get over her, the fact we haven’t spoken in a good while and I’m interested in other women determines that she’s wrong. If I wasn’t over her I wouldn’t be afraid to admit that to her and even more importantly myself. As much as I tell her I’m okay she keeps going on like I spend my waking hours pining for her like a dog whose master abandoned it.
She also spitefully sought to inform me she’s seeing someone. Didn’t have the impact she’d quite hoped for especially when I told her she’s so predictable she won me a round of beer at the bar. She resorted to getting nasty and well you play silly games you win silly prizes. I showed her how to play. I should have not sunken to her level but sometimes you just have to do so.
I’m not sure if she’s aware of the story of Icarus. She flew too close to the sun, his wings melted and he crashed back to earth. She then told me after all her nastiness that she was worried about me. I told her she shouldn’t be and I don’t need the care and attention of someone like her. Have you ever gone back and forth with someone to the point it makes no sense? Accusing me of being unable to let go and needing to win all the time yet she’s the one antagonising and replying to me?
I got called names in Finnish. So I told her to go away in Finnish, Swedish and English. I was hoping if I threw enough shit something might just stick and stick it did. I told her in several ways I don’t want her in my life whatsoever and we certainly aren’t friends. Basically that I don’t care anymore. I did however say that should she ever really need me she knows where I am. I am many things but I’m not a complete bastard.
Even if I don’t like her I’m not going to take any enjoyment in her suffering. If she truly needed me I would put shit aside to help her. Other than that I don’t want to hear it really. She wants nothing from me is what she said, that’s good because I have nothing left to give to her and she is nothing of me. I’m much better off without her and she without me I’d imagine.
She went on to accuse me of all sorts of things which caused me to feel borderline embarrassed for her despite her telling me I’m embarrassing myself. I informed her that embarrassment implies I care about what she thinks at all. I just tire of someone who knows nothing speaking like they know everything. I’m mainly confused about how you go from being a narcissist and trying to hurt me too telling me you’re worried about me?
She told me that night fighting with me was one of the most awful nights of her life but that’s the thing, she brought that on herself. I don’t feel sorry for her, I made that mistake once and realised the depth of her emotions. Crocodile tears. The love is gone so I’m not going to comfort you after you tried to hurt me, it doesn’t work like that.
I’m not without blame here, at all. I’ve said some things in response to her that I’m not entirely proud of despite all of it being true. One thing I never did was pretend to be someone I’m not for a year in order to please someone else. I never would. I guess that’s the difference between me and her. If you want to be nasty to me then cry because I’m better at it than you then your tears don’t matter much. How you gonna poke the hornets nest and cry when you get stung?
I didn’t pick on anything personal, wasn’t her as a person I have an issue with just her behaviour. Honestly I think it’s cute that she thought she could hurt me. Melted her wings pretty quickly. You know there was a time when I worried that the sweet innocent girl I met would be turned into something resembling me. I made every effort to not steal that innocence from her, I admit I once treated her with cotton gloves because she was sweet and delicate.
I think it wasn’t me that was the issue, I just wonder who the woman I loved was behind the facade. If she was the woman I knew I wonder how does one go about letting someone half know you. How can we share what we did and not her true feelings? I have lots of questions but there’s one answer that is broad reaching enough to satisfy any leftover questions.
It doesn’t matter anymore.
I’m not proud of any of it. I’m not really sad, I’m not happy. I don’t really feel anything at all anymore. Sometime I’m sure I’ll miss her whoever she was. I hope she finds her happiness because I’m sure as shit going to find mine.
Im posting this here to make the internal external. I can see it here, read it and remember it. I’ve realised that it’s healthier to talk and if you can’t talk then writing is as good. Reading the pages can like a conversation with yourself. Allowing you to evaluate everything. In conclusion, it’s time to go forward.
In the end I did let her have the last word because It never would have ended. It began with Hi and ended in Bye. I just realised that myself and its kinda funny.
As of this evening she’s severed all forms of contact with me, I just finished writing this post as she did. A fitting end to this chapter of my life.
Bang bang, that awful sound.