Archive for the General Category

Bang bang, I shot her down.

Posted in General with tags , , , , , , , , on April 12, 2017 by MISANTHROPIST

Today I’m sad but I shouldn’t be. I guess the fact that I feel something means I’m human and I was right when I said this is a battle nobody can win. When it all goes out the window you can’t do much more than defend yourself. Even if it was easy I can’t say I took any joy from it.

I’m not sure when the sweet woman I once loved turned into a narcissist. She keeps saying I need to get over her, the fact we haven’t spoken in a good while and I’m interested in other women determines that she’s wrong. If I wasn’t over her I wouldn’t be afraid to admit that to her and even more importantly myself. As much as I tell her I’m okay she keeps going on like I spend my waking hours pining for her like a dog whose master abandoned it. 

She also spitefully sought to inform me she’s seeing someone. Didn’t have the impact she’d quite hoped for especially when I told her she’s so predictable she won me a round of beer at the bar. She resorted to getting nasty and well you play silly games you win silly prizes. I showed her how to play. I should have not sunken to her level but sometimes you just have to do so.

I’m not sure if she’s aware of the story of Icarus. She flew too close to the sun, his wings melted and he crashed back to earth. She then told me after all her nastiness that she was worried about me. I told her she shouldn’t be and I don’t need the care and attention of someone like her. Have you ever gone back and forth with someone to the point it makes no sense? Accusing me of being unable to let go and needing to win all the time yet she’s the one antagonising and replying to me?

I got called names in Finnish. So I told her to go away in Finnish, Swedish and English. I was hoping if I threw enough shit something might just stick and stick it did. I told her in several ways I don’t want her in my life whatsoever and we certainly aren’t friends. Basically that I don’t care anymore. I did however say that should she ever really need me she knows where I am. I am many things but I’m not a complete bastard. 

Even if I don’t like her I’m not going to take any enjoyment in her suffering. If she truly needed me I would put shit aside to help her. Other than that I don’t want to hear it really. She wants nothing from me is what she said, that’s good because I have nothing left to give to her and she is nothing of me. I’m much better off without her and she without me I’d imagine.

She went on to accuse me of all sorts of things which caused me to feel borderline embarrassed for her despite her telling me I’m embarrassing myself. I informed her that embarrassment implies I care about what she thinks at all. I just tire of someone who knows nothing speaking like they know everything. I’m mainly confused about how you go from being a narcissist and trying to hurt me too telling me you’re worried about me? 

She told me that night fighting with me was one of the most awful nights of her life but that’s the thing, she brought that on herself. I don’t feel sorry for her, I made that mistake once and realised the depth of her emotions. Crocodile tears. The love is gone so I’m not going to comfort you after you tried to hurt me, it doesn’t work like that. 

I’m not without blame here, at all. I’ve said some things in response to her that I’m not entirely proud of despite all of it being true. One thing I never did was pretend to be someone I’m not for a year in order to please someone else. I never would. I guess that’s the difference between me and her. If you want to be nasty to me then cry because I’m better at it than you then your tears don’t matter much. How you gonna poke the hornets nest and cry when you get stung?

I didn’t pick on anything personal, wasn’t her as a person I have an issue with just her behaviour. Honestly I think it’s cute that she thought she could hurt me. Melted her wings pretty quickly. You know there was a time when I worried that the sweet innocent girl I met would be turned into something resembling me. I made every effort to not steal that innocence from her, I admit I once treated her with cotton gloves because she was sweet and delicate.

I think it wasn’t me that was the issue, I just wonder who the woman I loved was behind the facade. If she was the woman I knew I wonder how does one go about letting someone half know you. How can we share what we did and not her true feelings? I have lots of questions but there’s one answer that is broad reaching enough to satisfy any leftover questions.

It doesn’t matter anymore.

I’m not proud of any of it. I’m not really sad, I’m not happy. I don’t really feel anything at all anymore. Sometime I’m sure I’ll miss her whoever she was. I hope she finds her happiness because I’m sure as shit going to find mine.

🙂

Im posting this here to make the internal external. I can see it here, read it and remember it. I’ve realised that it’s healthier to talk and if you can’t talk then writing is as good. Reading the pages can like a conversation with yourself. Allowing you to evaluate everything. In conclusion, it’s time to go forward. 

In the end I did let her have the last word because It never would have ended. It began with Hi and ended in Bye. I just realised that myself and its kinda funny.

As of this evening she’s severed all forms of contact with me, I just finished writing this post as she did. A fitting end to this chapter of my life.

Bang bang, that awful sound.

-Misanthropist.

A small success. 

Posted in General with tags , on March 19, 2017 by MISANTHROPIST

Lately I would say the only thing I’ve made progress with is my physical appearance. Lost some weight mainly from not eating much. Results are pretty good. Then I decided to go get a haircut. Although this time I thought about it, chose a few examples and asked my hairdresser to do whichever suited me.

Well she’s definitely worth the money I’ve been paying her. I’ve had lots of looks and compliments which feels strange almost. Women that know me reacted entirely differently. I even ended up getting a random compliment from a guy I used to work with saying I looked good. A few of the people I used to work with are looking at a catch up which I, out of character, arranged.

I’m not going to lie one thing I dislike about the haircut is that if I don’t style it I hate how it looks. I dislike that I have to maintain it but it appears to have been worth the effort. I’m taking better care of myself I suppose. I’m making efforts towards looking like a person again. Apparently I’m doing well.

-Misanthropist.

My thoughts, these walls, this night.

Posted in Business, General, Useless information., Work with tags , , , , , , on January 13, 2017 by MISANTHROPIST

I’m not usually awake at this hour anymore, let alone writing and that’s because I sleep like a real person. I’m finally used to being alone and since I began succeeding in my endeavours I’ve slept the sleep of the dead. 

I’m a manager and business co-owner, ain’t life just awful strange? How loss translates into motivation, how I ended up here. Sometimes I think about where I will go from here. I appear to have success in a business environment. 

I’m looking at two pay days in the next month. One final payment  from unemployment and two separate payments related to the job. I should use this extra money wisely. 

In terms of meeting new people it’s been mostly internet based for the moment. I’m selling myself pretty well but how many times must I sell myself before all my pieces are gone. It gets tiring putting the effort into what is likely to amount to nothing. 

Then again I got three relationships and travelled the world as a result of meeting people on the internet so I know it can pay off. It’s a total crapshoot however and you’re likely to go through a lot of people before you find one you connect with and even then nothing is promised.

On an unrelated note it snowed today, it hasn’t snowed here in longer than I can remember. As the snow fell around me I thought of her for a moment. Then I was as cold as the snow falling from the sky. All I can do is learn from my mistakes and never repeat them. 

Today saw me get soaking wet three times then snowed on, my friend waited outside the store for 20 minutes while I was shopping. I have no idea what possessed him to do that but I stopped asking questions a long time ago. It’s a shame it had been raining all day otherwise the snow may have settled.

I’m definitely in a strange place right now in terms of the way I feel about everything. At one point I’m pleased with myself and what progress I have made. Then again of all the things I did fix I couldn’t fix that which truly mattered to me. 

Someone can be your whole world one day and a stranger the next, if life has taught me anything it’s that the futures we plan with the ones we love are not reliable. I’ve planned 3 now so I feel as if I’m speaking from experience. 

All I can do is take action to better myself and my economic situation. This is my first step onto the ladder and there is no way I’m going to let anything mess this up. Especially not being upset about her, I really don’t have time for that. This will be a time of work, focus and learning.

I’ll be applying this to my own businesses one day. Let’s give her something to regret. Nothing will take precedence over looking after myself and becoming successful. Unfortunately my bank balance is more reliable than love. 

I remember thinking you can have money or happiness. I went for love and happiness, it didn’t work out multiple times so now I’m going for money. I don’t need the kind of love where you give up on the other person because things got hard. I don’t need the love of a coward.

When she’s gone I’m left with myself. I began to ask myself logically what she brought to the table and when I examine it, it isn’t much. If I were to pursue another relationship I’d want it to be with an equal. Not a glass rose. 

That is one thing I do miss about the Brazilian. We both shared that fire, both have strong personalities. Had it not gone south we would have been a great couple to this day because we were well suited. Two lions. I have days where I miss that woman.

I have to stop looking back and focus on what is in front. I need to create the rituals for massive fucking success. When I get there I’ll be proud, then I can focus on finding a plus one.

-Misanthropist. 

Holding down the fort.

Posted in General, Love, Relationships, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on December 28, 2016 by MISANTHROPIST


These be sour times.

So again we spoke today, just now. It seems I was right and what I said hit home for her and caused her to rethink everything. She’s suffering and even now all I want to do is comfort her. It’s hard to know that I can’t do anything about it. Then again it’s her problem and we’re here because of her.

I do sincerely hope she’ll be okay but yeah I can’t concern myself with it. I have to think of number one now. Obviously I’m having feelings of regret and emptiness. The worst of all is sleeping alone, as a result I haven’t slept well since we broke up. 

I sleep the sleep of the dead usually, nothing brothers me enough to keep me awake. Nothing whatsoever. This has me unable to sleep. It has me wishing I had someone in this bed with me. I know I have to be strong and hold down the fort. 

This time of night is the worst.

-Misanthropist.

I have no mouth but I must scream.

Posted in General, Job hunting, Unemployment with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 13, 2016 by MISANTHROPIST

It’s been a long while since I last wrote anything or at least it feels like it. Turbulent times, if you’ve been reading enough you realise that despite my experiences my life in general is a chaotic clusterfuck, I’m still getting it together even now.

To that end I’ve been looking for work, I’ve found the kind of job that’s easy, well paid and I get left alone. It’s temporary with a possibility for expansion of my contracted hours. The hours mean I’ll have a social life and time to myself.

My main concern is getting out of the job centre, it’s still as fucky as ever. Nothing has changed. Upon my arrival she commented on seeing me again and I commented that she’s still having trouble with her computer. I’ll go on to explain how nothing has changed.

Firstly she sends me to agencies, physically when they all tell you to put in an application online. Second was a job that she obviously didn’t read because I don’t speak Mandarin or Cantonese a requirement of the job. I did look this one up just incase she told me she’d sanction me for not applying.

I did look up the word for idiot however. Then another job with a huge company that I didn’t even meet the requirements for.

The interview I attended today was stumbled upon by accident while my advisor tried to get her computer working. She made clear on that same meeting her only requirement is to attempt to force me into whatever employment I’m suitable for. If she keeps putting me in for jobs like that I’ll have no problem getting a job in the time before I get a payment.

UC is a mess. I have very little money at the moment and I have a month until a first payment and yet she expects me to travel for miles on public transport with next to zero funds. Her only advice is get an advancement, as if I want to owe them money.

On another note I’m kinda glad I’m out of my old job, can’t say I’ve been stressed at all since my employment ended. Only when it stopped did I realise sure I was doing great at my job but everything else kinda went to shit. I feel a bit of guilt over that but all you can do is fix it.

I need to get used to being a person again. If all works out with the job the transition into routine should be easier. I’ve been bored at home. The downside to having lots of time in your hands is you find yourself thinking too much. The upside is that some of that thinking can be productive.

All I’ve been doing is cleaning, laundry, cooking and applying for jobs. Other than that I’ve being playing the mass effect series many years too late which at this point is the normal with media. My social life is close to zero, maybe I speak with about three people.

So you can imagine the tedium by now. Between the job centre and everything else it’s all fun. That’s not to say it’s all bad, at least now things can and will change. By next week I’ll know if I’ve got the job. It’s all to perfect for me but if I can pull it off I’ll sail smoothly for a bit longer while I get everything else in order.

Once all that’s done 2017 should be acceptable. I’ll be able to work out what the hell we’re going to do about the music project, we spent a lot of time formulating a plan. If I think positively for a moment this is only a bump. That last job paid for everything I would need. I took a small amount in savings and stashed it away so I could use it for a future trip.

Realistically all of this hasn’t thrown me that far off course. Nothing I can’t fix in about 2 months. If all else fails I can make my own money, could freelance for my old work. Left on good terms. I had a conversation like this recently with someone important to me.

I’ve been down, only just came out of that feeling. You start to feel kinda useless when you work hardcore Monday to Friday then suddenly you’re doing nothing except attending job centre and getting frustrated as your money runs out. Fun times. Fortunately I just have to be patient.

On another topic entirely I’ve had this blog running for six years now. I think it needs a change. I should go back to writing actual posts rather than the sporadic updates you’ve received.

I’ll have to write again soon,

-Misanthropist.

Facebook’s latest feature.

Posted in General, Social Media, The Internet. with tags , , , on September 17, 2016 by MISANTHROPIST

Remember in school when you were given course work? A few of you reading this would have increased the font size to meet the 4 or 5 page requirement. I came across it a few days ago when someone posted something and it came in a larger font, bold, I believed it was a meme generator job or a new app for Facebook.

This was not the case. Now all your bullshit is displayed in a larger, bolder, font. It took me ten minutes to realise that the smaller your word count the larger the font. Your drama and bullshit is now received in bold type. You may feel as if your opinions hold more weight in a larger font.

-Misanthropist

Present. 

Posted in General with tags on September 4, 2016 by MISANTHROPIST

I should be posting a lot more now on account of the free time I have. I am not too happy about being stuck at home but in a way I can see how this could be a blessing, I was constantly complaining about my lack of a social life, I’m sure that my next employment will be normal hours unless I opt for night work, even then a social life will be more accessible should I feel the need to socialise.

-Misanthropist.