My thoughts, these walls, this night.

I’m not usually awake at this hour anymore, let alone writing and that’s because I sleep like a real person. I’m finally used to being alone and since I began succeeding in my endeavours I’ve slept the sleep of the dead. 

I’m a manager and business co-owner, ain’t life just awful strange? How loss translates into motivation, how I ended up here. Sometimes I think about where I will go from here. I appear to have success in a business environment. 

I’m looking at two pay days in the next month. One final payment  from unemployment and two separate payments related to the job. I should use this extra money wisely. 

In terms of meeting new people it’s been mostly internet based for the moment. I’m selling myself pretty well but how many times must I sell myself before all my pieces are gone. It gets tiring putting the effort into what is likely to amount to nothing. 

Then again I got three relationships and travelled the world as a result of meeting people on the internet so I know it can pay off. It’s a total crapshoot however and you’re likely to go through a lot of people before you find one you connect with and even then nothing is promised.

On an unrelated note it snowed today, it hasn’t snowed here in longer than I can remember. As the snow fell around me I thought of her for a moment. Then I was as cold as the snow falling from the sky. All I can do is learn from my mistakes and never repeat them. 

Today saw me get soaking wet three times then snowed on, my friend waited outside the store for 20 minutes while I was shopping. I have no idea what possessed him to do that but I stopped asking questions a long time ago. It’s a shame it had been raining all day otherwise the snow may have settled.

I’m definitely in a strange place right now in terms of the way I feel about everything. At one point I’m pleased with myself and what progress I have made. Then again of all the things I did fix I couldn’t fix that which truly mattered to me. 

Someone can be your whole world one day and a stranger the next, if life has taught me anything it’s that the futures we plan with the ones we love are not reliable. I’ve planned 3 now so I feel as if I’m speaking from experience. 

All I can do is take action to better myself and my economic situation. This is my first step onto the ladder and there is no way I’m going to let anything mess this up. Especially not being upset about her, I really don’t have time for that. This will be a time of work, focus and learning.

I’ll be applying this to my own businesses one day. Let’s give her something to regret. Nothing will take precedence over looking after myself and becoming successful. Unfortunately my bank balance is more reliable than love. 

I remember thinking you can have money or happiness. I went for love and happiness, it didn’t work out multiple times so now I’m going for money. I don’t need the kind of love where you give up on the other person because things got hard. I don’t need the love of a coward.

When she’s gone I’m left with myself. I began to ask myself logically what she brought to the table and when I examine it, it isn’t much. If I were to pursue another relationship I’d want it to be with an equal. Not a glass rose. 

That is one thing I do miss about the Brazilian. We both shared that fire, both have strong personalities. Had it not gone south we would have been a great couple to this day because we were well suited. Two lions. I have days where I miss that woman.

I have to stop looking back and focus on what is in front. I need to create the rituals for massive fucking success. When I get there I’ll be proud, then I can focus on finding a plus one.

-Misanthropist. 

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