Archive for love

Love and Art

Posted in Art, Love with tags , , , on March 20, 2017 by MISANTHROPIST


When you’re young you believe love can last forever but as you get older conviction becomes naïveté. It can last forever, just not in the way we would hope. Some people may find this picture grim, personally I don’t. Maybe I empathise because it makes me feel something I’ve known. Either way this is art in its own right. I assume they were victims of the eruption on mount Vesuvius. Their love frozen in time. The kind of art only nature can create.

-Misanthropist.

Advertisements

My thoughts, these walls, this night.

Posted in Business, General, Useless information., Work with tags , , , , , , on January 13, 2017 by MISANTHROPIST

I’m not usually awake at this hour anymore, let alone writing and that’s because I sleep like a real person. I’m finally used to being alone and since I began succeeding in my endeavours I’ve slept the sleep of the dead. 

I’m a manager and business co-owner, ain’t life just awful strange? How loss translates into motivation, how I ended up here. Sometimes I think about where I will go from here. I appear to have success in a business environment. 

I’m looking at two pay days in the next month. One final payment  from unemployment and two separate payments related to the job. I should use this extra money wisely. 

In terms of meeting new people it’s been mostly internet based for the moment. I’m selling myself pretty well but how many times must I sell myself before all my pieces are gone. It gets tiring putting the effort into what is likely to amount to nothing. 

Then again I got three relationships and travelled the world as a result of meeting people on the internet so I know it can pay off. It’s a total crapshoot however and you’re likely to go through a lot of people before you find one you connect with and even then nothing is promised.

On an unrelated note it snowed today, it hasn’t snowed here in longer than I can remember. As the snow fell around me I thought of her for a moment. Then I was as cold as the snow falling from the sky. All I can do is learn from my mistakes and never repeat them. 

Today saw me get soaking wet three times then snowed on, my friend waited outside the store for 20 minutes while I was shopping. I have no idea what possessed him to do that but I stopped asking questions a long time ago. It’s a shame it had been raining all day otherwise the snow may have settled.

I’m definitely in a strange place right now in terms of the way I feel about everything. At one point I’m pleased with myself and what progress I have made. Then again of all the things I did fix I couldn’t fix that which truly mattered to me. 

Someone can be your whole world one day and a stranger the next, if life has taught me anything it’s that the futures we plan with the ones we love are not reliable. I’ve planned 3 now so I feel as if I’m speaking from experience. 

All I can do is take action to better myself and my economic situation. This is my first step onto the ladder and there is no way I’m going to let anything mess this up. Especially not being upset about her, I really don’t have time for that. This will be a time of work, focus and learning.

I’ll be applying this to my own businesses one day. Let’s give her something to regret. Nothing will take precedence over looking after myself and becoming successful. Unfortunately my bank balance is more reliable than love. 

I remember thinking you can have money or happiness. I went for love and happiness, it didn’t work out multiple times so now I’m going for money. I don’t need the kind of love where you give up on the other person because things got hard. I don’t need the love of a coward.

When she’s gone I’m left with myself. I began to ask myself logically what she brought to the table and when I examine it, it isn’t much. If I were to pursue another relationship I’d want it to be with an equal. Not a glass rose. 

That is one thing I do miss about the Brazilian. We both shared that fire, both have strong personalities. Had it not gone south we would have been a great couple to this day because we were well suited. Two lions. I have days where I miss that woman.

I have to stop looking back and focus on what is in front. I need to create the rituals for massive fucking success. When I get there I’ll be proud, then I can focus on finding a plus one.

-Misanthropist. 

1 new message.

Posted in Business, women, Work with tags , , , , , , , on January 5, 2017 by MISANTHROPIST


I’m lying there in bed contemplating the last 48 hours and what went down in Liverpool Street when I hear the vibration of a message on my phone. When I first broke up with my ex part of me wanted it to be her saying she’s back…

I’ve thrown myself into the fire and now I’m not sure which woman is messaging me. I know how that sounds but I have a degree of emotional intelligence and respect for women. I’m not going to screw them around. We are friends and there are some sparks but right now is not the time. I do have my favourites however.

It feels strange to have so many women actively interested. 7 so far I think. My ex, when we spoke became interested when I mentioned one of these women is from Norway. Scandinavian rivalry maybe? All I can say is: how’d you like me now. 

I have a bet on with a friend regarding my ex, it’s for about £50. I’m pretty sure I’ll win this. When she next contacts me it’ll be about how she’s met some guy and they’re in love. If that’s the case then I guess our relationship wasn’t so strong in the first place.

If you’re wondering why it seems like I have so little faith, it’s because I’ve seen it happen before. They meet the new guy, get the feelies, it goes wrong and I get a message about them missing me and wanting to come back. Once the door is closed, it is locked and with good reason.

Back to the point: the message read that as well as a part owner of the business I’m also the manager now. Just awaiting a draft of the contract. The other night it hit me that I’ve never been so sad to be successful. I played my ace and won.

You win some and you lose some. I’m surprised sometimes that I have the tenacity to continue. I’ve met people that have truly given up and in part it breaks my heart that someone just gave up. I’ve been told that they’re surprised all this hasn’t had a greater negative impact.

There’s the scars you see and the scars you don’t see. I have enough of both. They’ve made me who I am today and allowed me to succeed where others have failed. I’m made of tougher materials, I am the sum of my experiences.

I’m sitting here now thinking of the newbie I’m going to manage. I don’t know him or her. I want a good relationship with this newbie. They’ll be the Watson to my Sherlock. I guess only time will tell. 

What I do know is that if this kicks off as planned I will not have to worry about money. Just how and where to spend it. 

Look at me. I am your manager now.

-Misanthropist.

Holding down the fort.

Posted in General, Love, Relationships, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on December 28, 2016 by MISANTHROPIST


These be sour times.

So again we spoke today, just now. It seems I was right and what I said hit home for her and caused her to rethink everything. She’s suffering and even now all I want to do is comfort her. It’s hard to know that I can’t do anything about it. Then again it’s her problem and we’re here because of her.

I do sincerely hope she’ll be okay but yeah I can’t concern myself with it. I have to think of number one now. Obviously I’m having feelings of regret and emptiness. The worst of all is sleeping alone, as a result I haven’t slept well since we broke up. 

I sleep the sleep of the dead usually, nothing brothers me enough to keep me awake. Nothing whatsoever. This has me unable to sleep. It has me wishing I had someone in this bed with me. I know I have to be strong and hold down the fort. 

This time of night is the worst.

-Misanthropist.

This Christmas.

Posted in Christmas with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 28, 2016 by MISANTHROPIST

I felt as if this year would be the year things would finally work out boy was I wrong. I’m basically back where I started without a job or a partner. Like the Ouroboros I’ve come full circle and essentially devoured my own tail.
As for my ex: it went out not with a bang but as the embers of a fire would, it slowly died. Lack of communication from her end being the water the doused the flame. Obviously I’m not without fault here but had she spoken to me when it was relevant we’d be happy right now.

The worst of it was the message I recieved as I sat down for my Christmas meal. Before that I was angry but after I couldn’t even eat my food. Again, nothing too dramatic but it cut deep. It read ‘I love you’ and those three words were a knife to the heart.

I’ve had an awful Christmas. I barely drank anything. I barely ate and didn’t so much as smoke a cigarette. You know you’re upset when the heartbreak causes you to forgo a nicotine addiction. I’m upset and I don’t think she’ll come back.

To that end I set about meeting people and I met one. A French Arab girl and things moved quite fast between us. Maybe too fast, I haven’t heard much from her since but I know she won’t forget about me. I’ll hear from her when she’s not busy.

Aside from that there’s the one girl I was talking with before I met my ex. Had things gone well I’d be dating her and I know that for a fact. She has a boyfriend now, she’s cooled down a bit but she’s keeping me around and I know why. That’s a matter of time.

If nothing ever happened between us I’d still be happy to have her as a friend. She’s a good woman and deserves happiness. Probably would have made an amazing girlfriend. She’ll make a man very happy one day.

I’m kinda disgusted with myself at how quickly that happened with the other girl. I feel like I’ve finally become fully steeled to loss. I don’t know how else to explain it but I’m happy to know I’m still marketable. Something kinda weird happened.

You see English girls are not really forward until they’ve consumed enough alcohol to begin the ritual that attracts a mate. Shit, Attenborough should narrate that last sentence… There was a Russian girl with her mother next to me at the lights.

I catch the sight of these beautiful ice blue eyes and assume she’s just looking around but upon looking and glancing away then back again I noticed she wasn’t hearing her mother but looking at me. Suddenly our eyes lock because she realised I was looking back and she gave me the warmest smile.

I should have asked for a number. When your heart is broken you don’t think that way. Still those piercing blue eyes were really something. Again it’s nice to know I’m still marketable.

In the end I spent my Christmas Eve talking to an old friend I met through the creation of this blog, it was nice to catch up. We don’t get to talk so often but I do enjoy talking to him. If he were in the same country as myself we would be hitting the bars. Thanks for the talk mate. I needed that.

I’ve had writer’s block for some time, that and dealing with my relationship problems have stopped me from writing. I was able to write a full post this time so I’m guessing I’m doing better.

I’m still not entirely comfortable with how quickly I’m progressing because I obviously love my ex and I don’t feel it’s fair to hurt another woman because of it. I’m keeping my possibilities open. Or at least I justify it that way. It’s a mixture of loneliness and being a man.

New Years is going to be a party I’m sure. There’s always company on New Years so it’ll be acceptable. It’s the loneliness that bleeds you to death with it cuts you. My modus operandi at the present is surround myself with people, occupy myself with distractions and drink to enjoy not to get buzzed. I don’t need to be emotional right now.

All said it was nice to have family around. I got a games console, two guitars and some army boots. This is the most I’ve recieved since I was 15. It was nice to open something. If she were here, despite the shit we went through it would have been perfect. I play as though I’m alright but yeah it does hurt and I do love her deeply.

I can’t just sit here crying about it however. I’ve been around enough to know that you get upset and try to reconcile and they go with the first dude who gives them the feelies. Usually you get a message six months later stating their regret etc but but then you’re already in a relationship or seeing someone.

This isn’t a fairytale love, I’m not going to sit here and wallow in sadness waiting for Cinderella to come back and claim the glass slipper she smashed across my head. I’d love to have her back but I’m old enough to know that life rarely gives us such graces.

Right now I need a friend. You can keep your soul, I don’t want a soul mate.

Merry Christmas my ass,
-Misanthropist.

Valentine’s Day

Posted in General with tags , , on February 14, 2016 by MISANTHROPIST

 

Valentine’s Day. I didn’t think I would be doing anything for it this year. I half assed it once and although I got her a gift she loved the effort mattered more so. This year I decided to cover all bases as best I could with very little money, the result was good. I spent some time with a woman I’ve grown to have a lot of love for. I also found a cool picture.

Even if you hate most people you have to love at least one or two of them. 

-Misanthropist.  

Every time just like the last, on the ship tied to the mast.

Posted in Love, Relationships, women with tags , , , , , , , , , , on November 11, 2015 by MISANTHROPIST
full circle

full circle

Funny how that fits love perfectly isn’t it? It’s actually alluding to heroin usage. Love has been compared to drugs. Maybe it’s just more personal for me. I’ve learned a lot since my last two forays into love and relationships.

The first one was painful when it ended, it really hurt me losing her. She was my best friend since we were kids but it pales in consideration to the fuckery of the second one. I’m not saying I blame her for everything but in retrospect I now know what is to be in a bad relationship.

Still it hurt to lose her because she meant a lot to me and at the time I probably would have done everything and anything to make it right and workable… Now I’m outside of it I’m like ‘fuck that’ and ‘was I stupid.’ The answer to this is yes I was and that I am not innocent.

Now I have experience of both I know what to look out for and the multitude of ways I could fuck up a good thing. It’s all a learning curve. So I set out again with fresh perspective, scars and lessons learned.

When I was younger, less experienced and more arrogant I wrote an article regarding break ups. The information was good but it was best case scenario stuff. Easier said than done I think it’s called. It’s not so easy with the intense emotions involved in an actual break up.

It’s easy to talk from the outside of these situations. When you’re there yourself in your own unique set of circumstances there is no right answer. Plenty of wrong ones though. All of the advice was rather non specific and cannot be applied so well in practice for that reason.

I should rewrite that article. This brings me to what I am looking for. I don’t necessarily have a type. I like intelligence, I have to be physically attracted to her. There has to be something special about her. I think that’s all manufactured by my own perception though.

As I mentioned I’ve met two women I like. The first one I met is a really nice woman in a really shit place. Very likeable, she’s still learning about how people can be shit. She means so well and cares so deeply that people will try to take advantage of her, and they have.

A part of me wants to teach her the skill of spotting those pricks a mile off but at the same time I’m worried she’ll become jaded as I did. So I’m just focusing on making her laugh talking to her and stressing that none of what happened is her fault.

I like her partly because I feel completely at ease talking to her, we agree on a lot of points and she appreciates my perspective. If she finds the right man she’ll be a great partner and a very happy woman.

Now the other one is something different. She seems very intelligent, eloquent and pretty fun to converse with. She’s never really thought about companionship until recently. She seems to have taken a liking to me. Quite a unique woman in many ways. I’m just getting to know her really.

There’s another girl I met too, she’s a strange one. Great sense of humour and easy on the eyes. Very clever but she doesn’t display that. Very casual in her conversation. I like her but I’m really not sure why. She’s an endearing kind of weird. Also I’m weak for a sarcastic chick.

I’m not even sure she means to be likeable but I get the feeling she’s into me. I’m going to have to test that hypothesis by throwing a compliment out there and watching her reaction. I’ll be able to tell but this one is generally quite hard to read. I like a challenge.

I’m actually looking forward to the point where I can spend some time alone with someone. What I would give to fall asleep with someone. I miss that warmth next to me at night. I’d complain about it before but now I miss having my covers stolen by a sleeping woman.

It’s funny too, how when you get into a relationship they always end up stealing your clothing. My ex fiancée still has my favourite jacket and Chelsea scarf. My other ex has my damn sweater. They both stole my damn underwear because and I quote ‘Ohh these are so comfortable.’

Or did I give the underwear away? Remember what I said about love making you stupid. That’s the sad part really. You give pieces of yourself to them both literally and figuratively. Pieces that when they walk away you can never get back. Knowing that makes me hesitant to do it all again.

I’ve had to tell myself that my experience, although it seems vast to me, is actually quite limited. Also that I shouldn’t let the outcome of past experiences dictate future ones. Your baggage can end up hurting someone you care about. I have to go in with fresh perspective.

Keep your eyes and ears open but don’t expect them to act as their predecessors did, they are individuals. You just have to let them act and judge based on their actions. Only when you can do that are you ready to start another relationship.

Knowing what I now know, letting go of the past, having felt what I felt and experienced both good and bad, I would say I’m ready now. That and the fact that I can’t get mind off fucking. Suddenly my brain is hyper sexual. I find myself being distracted when I see an attractive woman. You know that automatic head turn?

It’s not a problem until I almost get ran over because I’m distracted by the woman in the shop with the amazing ass. I really need to do something about that as its becoming a problem. I find myself meeting their gaze and smiling at them too because what is the point of admiring her if she doesn’t realise I’m doing it.

It’s not just all that though. I find myself missing cooking together and showering. Those random passionate moments where she’s walking in the hallway and you’re staring at her ass as she walks then you grab her by the hips, turn her around and start kissing her.

I actually find myself missing the attention. I’m not sure if that’s sad or not. I could use something to smile about. I’m definitely craving someone. Love and lust are powerful things.

Having gone through those last two relationships I have to ask myself: How many times must I sell myself before my pieces are gone? This time I’ll do things differently.

-Misanthropist.