Archive for changes

My thoughts, these walls, this night.

Posted in Business, General, Useless information., Work with tags , , , , , , on January 13, 2017 by MISANTHROPIST

I’m not usually awake at this hour anymore, let alone writing and that’s because I sleep like a real person. I’m finally used to being alone and since I began succeeding in my endeavours I’ve slept the sleep of the dead. 

I’m a manager and business co-owner, ain’t life just awful strange? How loss translates into motivation, how I ended up here. Sometimes I think about where I will go from here. I appear to have success in a business environment. 

I’m looking at two pay days in the next month. One final payment  from unemployment and two separate payments related to the job. I should use this extra money wisely. 

In terms of meeting new people it’s been mostly internet based for the moment. I’m selling myself pretty well but how many times must I sell myself before all my pieces are gone. It gets tiring putting the effort into what is likely to amount to nothing. 

Then again I got three relationships and travelled the world as a result of meeting people on the internet so I know it can pay off. It’s a total crapshoot however and you’re likely to go through a lot of people before you find one you connect with and even then nothing is promised.

On an unrelated note it snowed today, it hasn’t snowed here in longer than I can remember. As the snow fell around me I thought of her for a moment. Then I was as cold as the snow falling from the sky. All I can do is learn from my mistakes and never repeat them. 

Today saw me get soaking wet three times then snowed on, my friend waited outside the store for 20 minutes while I was shopping. I have no idea what possessed him to do that but I stopped asking questions a long time ago. It’s a shame it had been raining all day otherwise the snow may have settled.

I’m definitely in a strange place right now in terms of the way I feel about everything. At one point I’m pleased with myself and what progress I have made. Then again of all the things I did fix I couldn’t fix that which truly mattered to me. 

Someone can be your whole world one day and a stranger the next, if life has taught me anything it’s that the futures we plan with the ones we love are not reliable. I’ve planned 3 now so I feel as if I’m speaking from experience. 

All I can do is take action to better myself and my economic situation. This is my first step onto the ladder and there is no way I’m going to let anything mess this up. Especially not being upset about her, I really don’t have time for that. This will be a time of work, focus and learning.

I’ll be applying this to my own businesses one day. Let’s give her something to regret. Nothing will take precedence over looking after myself and becoming successful. Unfortunately my bank balance is more reliable than love. 

I remember thinking you can have money or happiness. I went for love and happiness, it didn’t work out multiple times so now I’m going for money. I don’t need the kind of love where you give up on the other person because things got hard. I don’t need the love of a coward.

When she’s gone I’m left with myself. I began to ask myself logically what she brought to the table and when I examine it, it isn’t much. If I were to pursue another relationship I’d want it to be with an equal. Not a glass rose. 

That is one thing I do miss about the Brazilian. We both shared that fire, both have strong personalities. Had it not gone south we would have been a great couple to this day because we were well suited. Two lions. I have days where I miss that woman.

I have to stop looking back and focus on what is in front. I need to create the rituals for massive fucking success. When I get there I’ll be proud, then I can focus on finding a plus one.



Ask me why I’m writing today.

Posted in Brazil, England, General, Useless information. with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 27, 2014 by MISANTHROPIST

I didn’t even want to write today, I mean I have plenty to write about once I get it all organized in my head. I’ve done everything there is to do before I sat down to write. There is literally nothing better to do but there is something worth posting about. Since I got home I seem to be having trouble settling back in. I have no clue why this is but I know it isn’t leaving luxury. I just can’t get back into living here. I’m sure there’s a few factors involved and one of them seems to be the perpetual Sunday I’ve experienced thanks to the bank holiday, which is pretty much Sunday 2.0. It seems as if the week got stuck at Sunday. I absolutely hate Sundays.

I just can’t seem to fit back into my routines. My sleep has been all over the place despite waking up early most days, getting used to sleeping alone again. Which is never fun. My eating habits have been affected by this trip, the food out there was so much fresher which turned me off of food a bit. I’m eating sure but I’m not particularly enjoying it. I even tried having a little smoke and a few drinks but still everything feels kinda wrong. Then there is this place. I got used to having a developed social life I guess. We’d just go out and meet with her friends and other friends of friends. You know the drill.

The language barrier was fun, a misanthrope’s dream. Imagine going out and all its benefits without having to engage in lengthy conversations. That said I really liked the people I met and they tried to communicate best they could. It’s so different here, so boring, so dead. Even if I wanted to go out there would be nobody to go with. Then there’s the usual shit, I had to help a friend out who was in trouble. He needed some food. It is that shit around here that some people are struggling. I saw it in Brazil yes, but they don’t seem as socially isolated as we are. In Brazil a friend will feed you as hospitality.

It wasn’t the beautiful apartment or luxury I’d lived in that made me hate this area even more, I always said this place was a pit. It has never been more clear to me how boring, dull and limiting this place is. I’m having trouble getting back into routine but I don’t think I even want to. It’s easier to see monotony once it has been broken I guess. I have plans for the near future but until then I’m stuck in the now and the now is boring as fuck. I’d say the experience has changed me in ways or at least given me fresh perspective. I haven’t stopped taking my coffee black since I got home.

The other thing is that couple routine you get into, that was our routine and it was pretty awesome. I will admit I got used to choice and variety in my food. Not to mention the fact that almost everything can be got on delivery in Brazil, I think I also miss the convenience. Being with her was a lot of fun and now I’m just stuck here where nothing I’m doing is entirely satisfying, this coupled with the fact that I am not even close to settling back in here is making for a fun time. I will say living well contributed to the strangeness of every day things like cooking for myself. You don’t really think about the time these tasks take up when until you haven’t had to do them for a while.

I crave shrimp and cheese coxinha like a motherfucker right now. I have no idea where I can get it but I will find a way. I enjoyed my time in Brazil, it’s a lovely country and the people were warm and relaxed. I think I was only genuinely irritated by two people the whole time I spent there. A young couple behind us, we were on a bus between states and this douche was playing his music loudly so everyone could hear. I totally expect that shit in London but not in Brazil, then again teenagers will be douches, all over the globe. I will get to writing properly, as I have said I’m just not really feeling it. This post came out of thin air. I needed something to do and I had something in my head to write about.

All I’m hearing is bad stuff in the news and people with their problems against this colorful gray backdrop and I’m having a really hard time getting back into it because it isn’t something I want to be a part of. I much prefered the life I lived out there. Not even the luxury just living somewhere interesting and experiencing new things. I want to escape this terminal boredom. I don’t even wonder why the some of the people I know are depressed. It’s pretty bleak here. I’m hoping I can just sit down with the guitar and get back into the music and studio stuff but to be honest I’m just not feeling anything.

Even this post, I started with some sort of direction and then by the end it just feels blunt. I’m hoping it isn’t a completely clusterfuck and fully conveys my feelings, I guess that’s what I had set out to do. Kinda dazed and confused though.

Things that have changed since I started work.

Posted in General with tags , , , , , , , , , , on June 21, 2013 by MISANTHROPIST

I’ve noticed a few changes in myself and my life since work started here’s a small list of the most important ones:

1) I’m physically fitter,
Work seems to have done a number on me in the first month but I already feel much fitter than I did a few weeks ago and the amount of weight loss and muscle gain I’ve experienced has been pretty good. I definitely look better than I have in a long time. Might also be from cycling to work.

2) I have to manage my time now,
Whatever it is I want to do I seem to have to plan it out in advance, I’m not a person who wears a watch or the type that plans ahead for something seemingly unimportant like hanging out with friends or spending time playing my guitar but now I have to. As a result I’ve become much more organized than ever before.

3) Really and extension of number two, my social life is suffering and getting better at the same time.
Obviously I’m meeting people, hanging out with those particular friends more often and suddenly catching up with a social life that I left behind about five or so years ago. Suddenly I’m a privy to all manner of things that I never knew before. Not all of it good. At the same time my time with the people I love is suffering and must be planned meticulously.

4) My diet has improved, vastly.
I’m more likely to eat well because I’m hungry. I’ve eaten salads, pickle and other things I would have turned down before because I’m so damn hungry after work. I think I’m generally appreciating food more.

5) I’m smoking less.
Some days I’ll only smoke five or six cigarettes, I think when I get settled into work completely I’ll go to the doctor and get patches of something because seriously fuck Champix.

6) I will have money.
I’ve gotta try not to go crazy because I’m going to have more money than I know what to do with. It’ll be nice to finally be able to start working towards my goals.

7) I’m more and less tolerant of people at the same time.
I’m more tolerant of people in general lately but even less tolerant of idiots, especially when my time is being wasted. I hate people wasting my limited time so I’m quicker to tell somebody to hurry the fuck up, that they’ve made a mistake or that they’re just being plain stupid or taking the piss.

8) I resent paying so much tax on everything.
Another reason I prefer America. You think your taxes are insane, try living here. I’m surprised I don’t get taxed for breathing. There’s certain things I’m happy to pay tax for like the NHS because even though it is a clusterfuck it does save lives. Other things I’m not so happy to pay for. Better make sure I vote.

These are the main thing. Thanks for reading…

I finally have a job.

Posted in General, Technology with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 26, 2013 by MISANTHROPIST

I finally have a job, not because of the government with their incentives and system designed to get me back into work but because of an off phone call from a friend at god knows what time in the morning. I was half asleep when I received the call at around six am. I was informed I might have a job, my friend had told a little white lie to secure me an interview. A lie about my experience that is. I must have responded ‘okay’ to this stream of information and as easy as that I was told to come in the next day for an interview.

I met my friend there the next day for my interview, from this point I knew this was going to be interesting. My interview was in a kitchen and the most informal interview I’ve ever been to. I was quickly talked too by middle management and then the boss. During this interview my friend comes out of the front, slams the door against the wall with the force of opening it and shouts ‘well you know what? You can go fuck yourself.’
The boss proceeded to laugh and tell him to get back to work and not to set a bad example for the new guy. He seemed more amused than anything else.

During the interview I was told my CV was impressive, which was nice to hear. Then he asked why I didn’t continue my studies. I told him I needed money to do anything, even study. He then proceeded to ask me why I’m applying there. Then some more general questions and he told me when I come in for a paid training day, again informal as hell…
I began today, made no errors in accuracy and generally impressed them with my ability to pick up the system they have in place, the boss was so happy with my performance he wants me in during the bank holiday, which is double pay. It’ll be my second day of work. So yeah by now I bet you’re wonder what the hell it is I do. I’ll admit it was never even considered when I thought about employment. I work in a logistics operation, which is a better way of saying I run around a large space collecting parts for orders with a bunch of crazy Spanish guys, a good friend of mine and some other guys I don’t know yet.

The general atmosphere of the place is a good one, everybody seems to get along and there’s plenty of comic relief in that place. It’s pretty fast paced work though, so I’m never going to be bored. I also have more lunch break than I know what to do with. One strange thing is that I find myself eating things I don’t normally eat because I’m so hungry. Mayo, pickle and other stuff I usually hate. I feel like I’m appreciating my food a lot more.

I’ve actually been wondering what the hell I should do with my money. It’ll certainly improve my situation and I’ll be able to buy myself things. *Must not spend money like an idiot.
I haven’t really had money to spend on anything other than essentials for a few years so this will be nice. I guess I’ll have to get a cellphone, since I’m getting one might as well go all out with an iPhone five. I’ve seen some pretty good deals. I’m curious about androids too, If I’m getting a phone it may as well be a good one. Other than that I just need some new clothes for work and then the rest is for savings/general living costs. I think I’m going to have more money than I know what to do with.

but yeah I have a job…

You are someone else, I am still right here.

Posted in Death, Misanthropy, People with tags , , , , , on September 13, 2011 by MISANTHROPIST

Ever noticed how all your friends are slowly fading out?
Everyone seems to think they’ll have that one friend forever, I’d allow myself to believe that but it’d do me no good. They all go away in the end. You might send cards on birthdays and christmas or get the occasional phone call if you’re lucky but I highly doubt that. In my case I suppose I’m lucky that my friend is as much of a train wreck as I am. I’d be an even worse person If I didn’t encourage him to change that, I am jumping ship so it’s only fair for me to encourage him to help himself. It sounds strange coming from me but I’m kinda concerned where he’ll end up in ten years.

I started life without a plan, a purpose, I found it later on in life. From aged 13 up until two years ago there was no yesterday and no tomorrow, I went with the flow and I count myself lucky I found something to live for because if I hadn’t who knows where I’d be right now. My friendship has completely sunk and as I said before there was never anything to save.

I have changed but I never lost myself, I am still right here. They’ve all changed, that is life, they forgot who it was who would help them out and talk to them realistically about their problems. They forget who was there for them. They find something better and move on. I don’t feel like I’m owed anything. Through life I’ve helped people and once they’re okay they move on, I don’t expect a thank you or anything really. I don’t need their praise. This is why I don’t bother making friends. If somebody wants me or needs me they know where I am.

It’s pessimistic, cynical and whatever you want to call it but it’s true
‘Everyone I know goes away in the end.’
People have jobs, girlfriends and whatever but it isn’t like they don’t have time to come and see you they just won’t you’re not that important and it’s quite likely that you never were. Depressing isn’t it?
I’m past the point of caring, it all fades with time. It’s kinda antique by now. Me and my long time friend will sometimes sit with a few beers and talk about how we saw it coming and watched the friendship sink. It isn’t as if we could do anything about it. Everyone has their own separate thing now whatever it may be, they’ve changed and we are still right here.

Here’s the beautiful thing, life’s cruel joke. The men in his family have all died of cancer. I’m fairly certain he is next. I give him until he’s 40 at best. He’s a heavy smoker and drinker. He knows he’s going to die before his time and accepts it. Even he will go away eventually. One way or another everyone is taken from you. In a world like this, a good person like him, destined to die and extremely painful death from cancer, you tell me there’s a god and he loves us.

I feel like a coward sometimes for leaving the country and never coming back but I have plans. I will not die on this rock and I will not sit and watch my best friend slowly die. Maybe I am a coward but I cannot do that. Even more bitter is when your family change on you and you’re some sort of pariah because you have aspirations that involve helping yourself to go up in the world.

Ah the old familiar sting. I will remember all of it and when they want me it will bite them in the ass. I am starting again thousands of miles from home. I’m going to find my own way. London drags you down, it tries to consume you, killing your hopes and dreams. No matter how far you go she’ll always call you home. Ignoring the call is the best possible thing one can do. I’m here for now but soon I will be gone and the ghost of my past will walk these streets. I hope they don’t wonder where I am because I won’t be wondering about them. You help people, they leave when they’re okay, they come back when it goes wrong but this time I won’t be here.