Even at a time like this you have to maintain your sense of humour. Anyone who has seen Hot Fuzz will be able to appreciate this.
Archive for the Uncategorized Category
If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.
There’s an odd silence to this day. Even with the house full of people it’s quiet. I’m here cooking a meal, for a while it was chaotic but now I’m in the final stages before we actually sit and eat it. Cooking for five this evening. Indian food in general is a long process but usually worth it.
After the last few days I don’t really feel so bad. She went from acting like I’d knifed her in the heart to being absolutely okay in 24 little hours. In my experience that means very few things. Likely none of them good. I’m happy she’s okay but something about it is off. You don’t go from what she told me to completely fine. Well as long as she’s fine.
Now about me. What am I to do? Reassess the situation and make my move accordingly. It’s not like I’m usually short of company. I admit I do have some amazing women in my life. They are all very different people but each beautiful in their own right. I’m glad I made the effort to meet new people.
The last few days have been boring to the point where I’ve been in bed before 10pm. To some people that’s very normal but for me it’s usually 12am earliest. I like it better after dark. I’m that bored it feels like I’m stuck passively doing nothing, endlessly. Cabin fever? Whatever you want to call it, it sucks.
The food was well received. Apparently my cooking has exceeded itself. I think that’s because I literally have nothing else to focus on right now besides the tasks of the day. I’ve enjoyed the peace in some ways but now it’s gotten to the point where doing nothing has grown tedious.
I’m hoping to do something nice with my evening whatever it may be. Nothing is as I would like it right now but at least it’s peaceful with nothing left fight over. The words of Marcus Aurelius have been helpful to me of late. A friend of mine shares views that mirror those I’m reading. I guess again I concede that she has a point.
I need to live now. I’m going to do something worth doing this evening, I started with the meal, now I’m writing to you. I plan to do something fun, laugh a little maybe. It’s not wonderful here but it is calm. The night from here is whatever I make of it.
People have many preconceived notions about London. It’s actually a lot more like this where I grew up.
Recently I’ve been thinking about myself a lot. I’ve never really ran away from a battle. I stand there and fight, against an enemy, for something I believe in. Against myself even. The battles are perpetual. The thing about battles is you get scars, physical and emotional. With enough scars you become as ugly as you seem.
I’m covered in them. Some have faded, some are visible and others invisible to the naked eye. When it gets cold my skin gets pale, all my scars are revealed. I’m covered in them, each has a story. Together they are a mural of wars won and lost. People find them disconcerting, I’ve had people get nervous around me as a result of them.
Constant battles have turned me into a demon. Recently a woman I’ve come to admire asked me if I look for wars to fight. She said that I always have a choice to not fight. She questioned whether I love the battles and that’s why I fight them. I remember a point in my life where if it were not for anger I would have layed down and died.
Recently I had an argument with someone I love very much. Then and only then did I feel like a monster. A demon. When you battle against someone you love there are no winners only losers. The victory was a bitter one. Felt like eating glass.
Sure I got her to admit her wrong but at what cost. A knife so long I might as well have stabbed myself with it. You hurt someone you truly care about and only later do you realise that you’re only hurting yourself. A self inflicted wound, my gift an impeccable aim. All the ashes piled up in my wake.
Thing is you can’t fight over ashes. My intent wasn’t malicious. When she took a shot at me I responded in kind but I forget at times that not everyone is like I am. A demon. Not everyone can take that and get back up. Some people are fragile. Usually I would say it’s not my problem seeing as you took a shot at me first.
To see the look on her face, I felt like I’d kicked a puppy. She looked betrayed and like I had hurt her badly. I felt like a monster at that point. Suddenly none of it mattered. I feel like I shot her in the heart and only when she lay bleeding before me did I realise that I had shot myself.
A man on fire, I had burned everything I held dear. Right and wrong didn’t matter. Just the look on her face as I fired words like bullets. It was the moment I stopped to think that she wasn’t my enemy and I had originally come to talk. I calmed down then.
That’s the thing, they never do see your perspective until it’s forced upon them.
Do I regret telling her the truth. No. Do I regret hurting her with it, Yes.
Was it worth it? No. Hopefully something will change. I’ve realised my capacity for destruction and what all the battles have made me.