Archive for December, 2016

Fuckin teenagers…

Posted in England, Misanthropy, People with tags , , , , , , on December 29, 2016 by MISANTHROPIST

About a month ago now went out to the shops for some beer. On my way out I can hear teenagers, probably drunk on cheap shit and being very loud. Not a problem, I was a little shit once. As I passed these kids it suddenly went quiet, hushed voices and their pace increased.

Only after this did I realise exactly why. We have a lady down here who lost her leg to a blood clot. They need 24hr drive access because of her lack of mobility, so they place cones to mark off the area. The cones are strewn around the road with the possibility of causing an accident. Our roads are so narrow corrective action would likely make it worse.

I don’t like the people that own the house but that’s not the point. Some things you just don’t do. Like fucking with disabled people. So I shout ‘Hey you little shits this is a fuckin disabled woman’s house. You think this is fucking funny?’  One of them began to backchat me after which I informed him that I would slap him with the cone. They started running after that.

There’s always one brave one. So brave he’s on a bicycle for a quick get away, he starts mouthing me which pissed me off even more so. I went on to inform him that ‘You think you’re brave kid, I will fuck you in front of your friends.’ He was a bit less brave after that and said he had nothing to do with it which was a lie.

‘You better get your ass home then hadn’t you?’ Now I was tempted to rob his bicycle so he sent dad or big brother here then I’d return it but not before explaining that his little crotch spawn was fucking around with disabled people. There were about ten of them and I’ve seen them around but they don’t look me in the eye.

I make the point of waving at them to remind them if they do it again I will follow up. I don’t make it my business to scare teenagers but that was unacceptable. I was a shit as a kid but I never did that or anything like it. This legitimately pissed me off.

I Fucking hate teenagers, I must be getting old.

-Misanthropist.

A wonderful week this is turning out to be. 

Posted in Relationships, women with tags , , , , on December 29, 2016 by MISANTHROPIST

As if this past week wasn’t shitty enough guess who’s birthday is tomorrow. That’s right! My ex fiancée. ‘Now if you’re reading this love don’t worry I’m not talking shit about you, you may even learn something so keep reading…’ 

Now our relationship is a long one, if you read back to the start of this blog you’ll see I’m talking a lot about America and a certain woman in my life whom, despite what has happened, I care about very much. Even to this day she holds a place in my heart and always will.

A few years back she attempted to reconcile with me and I was too stupid to realise what was going on, I’d fallen in love with a Brazilian woman and even when I did realise I could do nothing about it lest I be a heartless bastard. I made the difficult decision to do right. Sometimes I regret it.

She’s engaged now to some douche I will never like. I always get the feeling she’s not entirely happy. She can’t say so at least. They got in a little to deep and now there are incentives to stay put. It’s not like she could up and leave if she wanted to. She didn’t speak to me much this holiday. Busy I guess but there’s one doubt in the back of my mind.

She told me recently he didn’t like her talking to me. Now I respect her relationship. I have no respect for him but her I do. I wouldn’t violate that. I’ve had little fuck boys try to mess with my relationship. Luckily the women I’ve been with dealt with them for the most part. Occasionally a man has to be a man though.

My point is that I hate when others do it so I wouldn’t do it to someone else. Doesn’t matter if it’s a random dude or the douche that is engaged to my childhood sweetheart. I wouldn’t go there out of respect.

I know she doesn’t talk to me much because of him. We’ve known each other for ten years and I’ll outlast this fucker. I’ve served the longest tour. I love this woman and I always will. I have times when I miss her a lot. Like her birthday tomorrow. What I wouldn’t give to kiss that woman one last time…

I’m not sure that she knows how I feel but I saw it in her eyes a while back. If you don’t know someone after ten years then you’re not paying attention. Dispite my feelings I’m happy to have her as a friend and she’s been there through everything.

So I’m going to say happy birthday tomorrow and if their relationship suffers it must be quite fragile to begin with, I would go with saying it’s not her but him. Ever see someone with someone else and think they’re bad for one another. ‘Remember how you did with the Brazilian? Yeah love it’s exactly like that.’

In any case that’s not my choice to make. I want her to be happy even without me and she hasn’t seemed happy for a long time. I don’t doubt they love each other, they have their good times but to me it seems mostly bad. All I can do is wait and see. We will talk sometime soon I imagine.

All I know is I miss having her in my life. However life isn’t a romantic comedy and we mostly likely won’t end up back together. I just miss her as a person and her presence at a time like this would be much appreciated.

If you’re reading this it’s likely that at least a month has gone by since I wrote it and events have unfolded already. If you have any questions I’m a fantastic beast and you know where to find me.

-Misanthropist.

Holding down the fort.

Posted in General, Love, Relationships, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on December 28, 2016 by MISANTHROPIST


These be sour times.

So again we spoke today, just now. It seems I was right and what I said hit home for her and caused her to rethink everything. She’s suffering and even now all I want to do is comfort her. It’s hard to know that I can’t do anything about it. Then again it’s her problem and we’re here because of her.

I do sincerely hope she’ll be okay but yeah I can’t concern myself with it. I have to think of number one now. Obviously I’m having feelings of regret and emptiness. The worst of all is sleeping alone, as a result I haven’t slept well since we broke up. 

I sleep the sleep of the dead usually, nothing brothers me enough to keep me awake. Nothing whatsoever. This has me unable to sleep. It has me wishing I had someone in this bed with me. I know I have to be strong and hold down the fort. 

This time of night is the worst.

-Misanthropist.

Just in time, In the right place, suddenly I will play my ace.

Posted in Uncategorized with tags on December 28, 2016 by MISANTHROPIST


January 

In January everything changes. I have interviews, I have women interested despite what little I have to offer them. I also have the plan that I have to stick too. Providing I stick to the plan 2017 should be a decent year. 

I’m not sure how to proceed with my ex girlfriend. I’m not sure whether I should do my best to mend what is broken and probably end up heartbroken or just use the immense power of ‘fuck you’ to give me the drive I need. 

Whatever it is I’m going to make sure it’s private. I don’t want to hurt her by suddenly appearing in photos with other women. Even if it doesn’t break her heart I’m sure it’ll affect her self esteem and I don’t want that. I love her, despite everything and I don’t want to have an adverse affect on her life but I can’t sit here and wait for her.

She doesn’t hate me, if she did it would be easier but I’m guessing I hurt her with my words. They weren’t harsh or nasty just armor piercing. She’s currently rethinking her life as am I. Even if I couldn’t have her back I wouldn’t want to harm her in any way. Intentional or otherwise.

In the days between now and January first I’m sitting in a kind of limbo. Neither here nor there. It’s like waiting for a train, except I’m on the platform alone. All I know for sure is that this will be the last time. 

I’m the king shit of fuck mountain and I have to act like it. 

-Misanthropist.

This Christmas.

Posted in Christmas with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 28, 2016 by MISANTHROPIST

I felt as if this year would be the year things would finally work out boy was I wrong. I’m basically back where I started without a job or a partner. Like the Ouroboros I’ve come full circle and essentially devoured my own tail.
As for my ex: it went out not with a bang but as the embers of a fire would, it slowly died. Lack of communication from her end being the water the doused the flame. Obviously I’m not without fault here but had she spoken to me when it was relevant we’d be happy right now.

The worst of it was the message I recieved as I sat down for my Christmas meal. Before that I was angry but after I couldn’t even eat my food. Again, nothing too dramatic but it cut deep. It read ‘I love you’ and those three words were a knife to the heart.

I’ve had an awful Christmas. I barely drank anything. I barely ate and didn’t so much as smoke a cigarette. You know you’re upset when the heartbreak causes you to forgo a nicotine addiction. I’m upset and I don’t think she’ll come back.

To that end I set about meeting people and I met one. A French Arab girl and things moved quite fast between us. Maybe too fast, I haven’t heard much from her since but I know she won’t forget about me. I’ll hear from her when she’s not busy.

Aside from that there’s the one girl I was talking with before I met my ex. Had things gone well I’d be dating her and I know that for a fact. She has a boyfriend now, she’s cooled down a bit but she’s keeping me around and I know why. That’s a matter of time.

If nothing ever happened between us I’d still be happy to have her as a friend. She’s a good woman and deserves happiness. Probably would have made an amazing girlfriend. She’ll make a man very happy one day.

I’m kinda disgusted with myself at how quickly that happened with the other girl. I feel like I’ve finally become fully steeled to loss. I don’t know how else to explain it but I’m happy to know I’m still marketable. Something kinda weird happened.

You see English girls are not really forward until they’ve consumed enough alcohol to begin the ritual that attracts a mate. Shit, Attenborough should narrate that last sentence… There was a Russian girl with her mother next to me at the lights.

I catch the sight of these beautiful ice blue eyes and assume she’s just looking around but upon looking and glancing away then back again I noticed she wasn’t hearing her mother but looking at me. Suddenly our eyes lock because she realised I was looking back and she gave me the warmest smile.

I should have asked for a number. When your heart is broken you don’t think that way. Still those piercing blue eyes were really something. Again it’s nice to know I’m still marketable.

In the end I spent my Christmas Eve talking to an old friend I met through the creation of this blog, it was nice to catch up. We don’t get to talk so often but I do enjoy talking to him. If he were in the same country as myself we would be hitting the bars. Thanks for the talk mate. I needed that.

I’ve had writer’s block for some time, that and dealing with my relationship problems have stopped me from writing. I was able to write a full post this time so I’m guessing I’m doing better.

I’m still not entirely comfortable with how quickly I’m progressing because I obviously love my ex and I don’t feel it’s fair to hurt another woman because of it. I’m keeping my possibilities open. Or at least I justify it that way. It’s a mixture of loneliness and being a man.

New Years is going to be a party I’m sure. There’s always company on New Years so it’ll be acceptable. It’s the loneliness that bleeds you to death with it cuts you. My modus operandi at the present is surround myself with people, occupy myself with distractions and drink to enjoy not to get buzzed. I don’t need to be emotional right now.

All said it was nice to have family around. I got a games console, two guitars and some army boots. This is the most I’ve recieved since I was 15. It was nice to open something. If she were here, despite the shit we went through it would have been perfect. I play as though I’m alright but yeah it does hurt and I do love her deeply.

I can’t just sit here crying about it however. I’ve been around enough to know that you get upset and try to reconcile and they go with the first dude who gives them the feelies. Usually you get a message six months later stating their regret etc but but then you’re already in a relationship or seeing someone.

This isn’t a fairytale love, I’m not going to sit here and wallow in sadness waiting for Cinderella to come back and claim the glass slipper she smashed across my head. I’d love to have her back but I’m old enough to know that life rarely gives us such graces.

Right now I need a friend. You can keep your soul, I don’t want a soul mate.

Merry Christmas my ass,
-Misanthropist.