One of these things is not like the others, one of these things just doesn’t belong. In the eyes of society this thing that does not belong is broken and must be broken down and recycled until it’s just like all the others. It seems life and society has a way of breaking us down and forcing us to conform. For my liking life is already too restrictive, people fall into the money trap where they become too reliant on their wage and begin to live well above their means. I plan to avoid that but I notice that there are vital things I need that can only be obtained with money, I guess I have to play the game to win it. At the moment I’m playing a rather high stakes game and my hand really isn’t that great. I figure that things have already gone to shit, the only thing that could make it worse is if I were dying and apparently I’m not so I’ve just got to continue playing the hand I was dealt no matter how shitty it is. I’ve done my best until now to avoid fall into line and curtailing to people’s unrealistic expectations of me. The only time I care about it is when it directly affects the people in my life negatively, I take full responsibility for my actions and attempt to avoid my actions resulting in negative consequences for those I care about but it isn’t always possible. Between that and my insistence on the truth/openness/honesty I don’t have many fans within my social circle or my family but I remain resolute. I will live on my own terms because I highly doubt that I will die on them. I refuse to break down and join the endless queues of people just waiting to die. I will not live the mundane existence that is expected of me. This is another long and painful stride in the pursuit of happiness I guess.
Only after disaster can we be resurrected. It’s only after you’ve lost everything that you’re free to do anything. Nothing is static, everything is evolving, everything is falling apart.
Lately I’ve been living by those words, maybe its a vain hope that I can claw back that which has been lost or at least begin to scratch some sort of existence out in this shit hole. The problem for me personally is that money isn’t going to buy me happiness. I had the choice a long time ago, money or happiness and I chose happiness over money. I’ve lived an interesting life so far but I can’t say its been easy. When is it ever easy?
The worst part of all this is that when you’ve been lost, wandering, for so long and you finally think that you’ve found something, something beautiful or a home. Somewhere you belong. Then life has a way of taking it all away from you and forcing you to begin again. Creation and Destruction. For somebody who has moved on so many times it gets tired. I can’t tell you how I’ve suffered over the years, how I’ve held on and how that one person in your life can provide you with all the hope you need, show you that the world isn’t all bad and open your eyes to the innocence that you lost over the years and the beauty of being alive. Once that person is gone initially you feel kinda empty, that’s loss, something I haven’t dealt with before because I’ve never cared enough about one thing to lose it. Maybe this is part of growing up. I guess I feel much older than I am but despite my knowledge I still have a lot to learn. The only thing that’s been good this whole time is the new perspective it gives you. I think I’m just talking shit now…