Archive for April, 2013

One of these things is not like the other, one of these things just doesn’t belong.

Posted in England, General, Love, Misanthropy, People, Relationships with tags , , , , , , , on April 16, 2013 by MISANTHROPIST

One of these things is not like the others, one of these things just doesn’t belong. In the eyes of society this thing that does not belong is broken and must be broken down and recycled until it’s just like all the others. It seems life and society has a way of breaking us down and forcing us to conform. For my liking life is already too restrictive, people fall into the money trap where they become too reliant on their wage and begin to live well above their means. I plan to avoid that but I notice that there are vital things I need that can only be obtained with money, I guess I have to play the game to win it. At the moment I’m playing a rather high stakes game and my hand really isn’t that great. I figure that things have already gone to shit, the only thing that could make it worse is if I were dying and apparently I’m not so I’ve just got to continue playing the hand I was dealt no matter how shitty it is. I’ve done my best until now to avoid fall into line and curtailing to people’s unrealistic expectations of me. The only time I care about it is when it directly affects the people in my life negatively, I take full responsibility for my actions and attempt to avoid my actions resulting in negative consequences for those I care about but it isn’t always possible. Between that and my insistence on the truth/openness/honesty I don’t have many fans within my social circle or my family but I remain resolute. I will live on my own terms because I highly doubt that I will die on them. I refuse to break down and join the endless queues of people just waiting to die. I will not live the mundane existence that is expected of me. This is another long and painful stride in the pursuit of happiness I guess.

Only after disaster can we be resurrected. It’s only after you’ve lost everything that you’re free to do anything. Nothing is static, everything is evolving, everything is falling apart.
Chuck Palahniuk.

Lately I’ve been living by those words, maybe its a vain hope that I can claw back that which has been lost or at least begin to scratch some sort of existence out in this shit hole. The problem for me personally is that money isn’t going to buy me happiness. I had the choice a long time ago, money or happiness and I chose happiness over money. I’ve lived an interesting life so far but I can’t say its been easy. When is it ever easy?
The worst part of all this is that when you’ve been lost, wandering, for so long and you finally think that you’ve found something, something beautiful or a home. Somewhere you belong. Then life has a way of taking it all away from you and forcing you to begin again. Creation and Destruction. For somebody who has moved on so many times it gets tired. I can’t tell you how I’ve suffered over the years, how I’ve held on and how that one person in your life can provide you with all the hope you need, show you that the world isn’t all bad and open your eyes to the innocence that you lost over the years and the beauty of being alive. Once that person is gone initially you feel kinda empty, that’s loss, something I haven’t dealt with before because I’ve never cared enough about one thing to lose it. Maybe this is part of growing up. I guess I feel much older than I am but despite my knowledge I still have a lot to learn. The only thing that’s been good this whole time is the new perspective it gives you. I think I’m just talking shit now…



It’s about time I was honest with you.

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on April 6, 2013 by MISANTHROPIST

I’ve been going through a fucking rough time lately which is why I’ve hardly posted a thing, life has gone from bad to worse and I am at the bottom of the barrel here. I’m tired, so fucking tired. It’s a joke that just isn’t funny anymore but apparently its my life. I’m just playing the hand I’ve been dealt. The most horrible feeling in the world is when everything is out of your control. Not that I need to control everything, I just want to be in control of my own life. I don’t have that right now. All the decisions are out of my hands.

The first thing is that the woman in my life has left me, she said something about working on us but I was lead to believe that working on a relationship requires, you know, work or something?
It went to shit in the most classic way, I’m not innocent. I said things to her that nobody should say to somebody they love, it wasn’t anything too terrible. Harsh words more than anything, all true but harsh all the same. It doesn’t matter anymore. Its done and I can’t take it back. My smart mouth finally fucked me over. Truth is I deserve some of what I got but not all of it. When I take aim at someone I’m terribly accurate. Who knew I’d be shooting myself in the foot?

I’m sure I posted about this, maybe I should take my own advice as some smart mouthed motherfucker suggested to me a while back. It may have pissed me off at the time but I’m thinking maybe that prick had some sage wisdom for me and I just didn’t see it. Oh well. Well played sir, well played…

The second thing. My cat passed away about two days ago she was kinda dazed which was when I noticed something was wrong, after a quick examination I noticed her rectum had prolapsed. Pretty nasty. I tried to correct it non surgically but it was so inflamed I couldn’t put it back in. Gloves, Vaseline, the works but I couldn’t correct it. I didn’t want to perforate anything because when bodily waste leaks into the blood stream it causes septicemia. Not a good way to die. Anyways we took her to a vet who wanted around six hundred, I don’t have that kind of money and her reply to that was ‘she’s in shock so we’ll have to put her down, that’ll be a hundred.”

Apparently 100 is the price of compassion, my sister took her to another vet who said that there was no reason to euthanize her but she was in shock and needed to be operated on. All seemed to be going well until they called us to say that she wasn’t eating. I suggested they feed her the only food that she eats and she seemed to improve. Then we got a call that she passed in the night. It sucks but at least she isn’t suffering anymore.

As if things couldn’t get any worse… they did.
How am I dealing with it?
Copious amounts of alcohol and smoking, being social and other things. None of it really helps but coping is coping I guess, no matter how destructive or retarded it is. Things change, that doesn’t mean they get better.