It fits perfectly.
Archive for May, 2015
Why is nothing simple? I won’t lie to you, I’m tired. Very tired. Some days I wish I wouldn’t wake up and if this is a dream then wake me. I’m hurt, I will say that. I’m not sure what hurts more, that the love is still there or that it’s over. For me, this ending was premature. There’s a lot that I hate myself for, a lot I would have done differently.
Have you ever been so consumed with the idea of seeing someone that you begin to neglect the person? I have. It was one of my many mistakes. Strange thing is that I know we will collide again, I’m not sure why I’m not happier about it. Love is a funny thing and this person really mattered to me.
It doesn’t happen often, that connection I mean. Maybe that’s why it’s so special when it does. Why I put so much of myself into these things and why I usually feel kinda destroyed when it goes bad. I did learn something from it. This break up wasn’t messy but it was confusing. She’s still in my life and apparently she still loves me and wants to see me. It’s strangely like we’re still together. Until I remember we aren’t. Then again reality is often harsh and disturbing and I should deal with it.
I’m tired of losing people who matter to me. And tomorrow work begins again…
The subconscious is a powerful thing. Now usually I don’t dream or just don’t remember it, the mind has funny ways of torturing us. After what I’ve heard from others I’m quite glad that I generally don’t dream. The other night my mind decided to play one of my favourite scenes. It was a nice memory, we sat by the ocean. Drinking devassa, eating shrimp, laughing and being happy. I miss that. Now my happiness shouldn’t be dependant on another person but I won’t lie, sometimes it is.
The torturous part was that we may never do that again. That bothers me. Maybe it’s because there are so few people in the world I want to share that with. I’m kinda opening up to going out again. So far going out has been disappointing. It’s always the same. You drink, you talk shit and you go home. At the end of the night you’re just as alone and disappointed as you were when you began.
Prepared for re-entry, then came crashing down to earth. That encapsulates my last few months. All good things most come to an end they say, que sera sera is what I said. Whatever will be, will be. Here I am now, back in a space I have seriously neglected over the past months. I feel I owe an explanation for my absence. This blog has been with me for a long time, through the good and bad but mostly shit times. This is one of those shit times. I’ve been carrying so much that writing has been seemingly impossible. So I’m taking the easy route, getting a few things of my chest and informing whatever audience I have left of what’s been happening with me. The take off and breakdown of everything. Unlike Atlas I can let it go. Here’s where we are now in this story,
The break down of a relationship is one thing but when you’re using alcohol as a means of feeling better you usually only end up feeling worse, having learned this the hard way last time I’ve cut down on my drinking. I’m trying to smoke less too because what’s the point. Nothing remedies a rough break up like self-improvement. And trust me there is so much to improve on here. The last year or so has been amazing, challenging and at some points it was god awful. Again I’ve gone in with everything and come out with nothing to show for it. I find my situation is confirming all of my previous assertions and has me wondering, like always, ‘why do I bother?’
Things are a mess of complications, emotions and general fuckery. I’m almost at the end of the tunnel however. I’m trying to eat better and look after myself, while regaining my ability to drop someone like a lead weight. Dependency on anyone, emotional or otherwise is never a good thing. Dependency on anything isn’t a smart way to live. It always ends badly. I’m going to need to write more, between my work and the cluster fuck that is my personal life. I need to lift myself up, throw this shit off my back and soldier on. Scars and all. Can’t stop now. I need focus. Between this blog and cleaning up my own messes I really need to give my thought to my music, do all of it for myself. Roll my sleeves and make a better man of me because I’m tired of these same scenes.
Like watching a movie you’ve seen a thousand times, a pointless exercise. Nihil Novi Sub Sol. I guess. And if I haven’t learned anything from it then I deserve to suffer for that. And, oh, how I’ve suffered. My tolerance for people is at an all time low. Someone I call a friend tries lying to me, thank fuck people aren’t too stupid to spot an habitual bullshitter. I can ignore your bullshit but when you turn it onto me expect my backlash to be spectacular. I’ve got these damn kids asking me to buy cigarettes in front of a shop keeper and then bitching when I don’t buy them, shop keepers lying because they’re too stupid to work a scanner. On top of that I witnessed a theft today on my way to the store. Scumbags stealing bikes off kids and to make matters worse all the idiot teenagers are huffing nitrous now. So I’m not just surrounded by idiots but now they’re stoned. Great.
I hate this place. I feel trapped because every fucking time I try to get out I’m dragged back down almost as if it had the gravitational pull of a black hole. Hopefully one day I can exit this atmosphere all together and we’ll call me the space cowboy. I have no idea why I broke my own rules not to wager on people anymore but I did and here I am suffering for it, hating almost everyone around me and definitely everything. On street level people are shit, you only have to look at the news to see the same thing on a larger scale. I’m disgusted on an industrial scale almost. I’m trying to be patient with people but to be honest I feel I’d be better off with less of them. I’d go into writing more about how shit everything is but it’s boring, low hanging fruit. I need to shower and cook that chilli. Everyone else in my house is watching the hobbit film, which one I don’t care. Honestly, I can’t even movie anymore.