Archive for relationships

A positive.

Posted in Relationships, women with tags , , , , on April 12, 2017 by MISANTHROPIST

I have managed a plus out of all this, I met a lovely woman who I would say I respect and admire. There was some progress with her but it’s too soon to tell if it matters less than I believe or maybe it’ll change in the future. I will be genuinely upset if it goes nowhere but yeah I’m pretty sure its not something you do with everyone.

I find myself genuinely caring what she thinks about me. Enough to explain myself. I also find myself caring when she feels bad. She has her days despite being as strong as she is. I actually find myself missing her when she’s away. I developed feelings for her quite quickly, which isn’t normal for me, I liked her a lot when we met but I’m guessing that grew into attraction by the way I’m talking about her. Like I said before she’s an exceptional woman and honestly I don’t see why she’s alone.

If I have my way she won’t stay that way for too long. In a way I think I’m trying to prove a point that I care about her and want her to be happy, that’s she’s wanted. I never understood why the most beautiful women think they’re ugly even when they don’t say it. Why the most most exceptional ones think they’re nothing special. She would tell me it’s all perspective. I kinda like that she’s a smart ass. Makes me smile.

I wonder where this all come from but at the same time I know. I don’t think I’ve ever met someone who is so similar to myself but different at the same time. Fucking beautiful too. She doesn’t smile much but the eyes say it all sometimes. If all goes right I could see myself being very happy with her but again it’s early days. At this point all I can do is show her I am for real.

You lose some you win some or at least make progress. I think it’s important to stress that it’s not all shit. 

-Misanthropist.

Meeting women, relationships and acknowledgements.

Posted in Relationships, women with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on March 24, 2017 by MISANTHROPIST

In recent months I’ve had a pretty rough time relationship wise, now that’s not an issue any more. During the months after we broke up I thought to myself that it might be smart to get to know other women. I went into that situation with absolutely zero expectations. Some I contacted first and others contacted me.

During that time I met several very different women. All of them unique in their own ways. I’ve made good friends and there are some I’m interested in and at least two I find fascinating. I have to give them their dues in some way because they’ve each helped me get back to where I am now.

In a lot of ways I’ve improved myself but each of these women has played their part. There’s the sweet one she’s a religious woman and although we don’t agree on religion if there’s a heaven I’m pretty sure this one deserves a place there. I can see us remaining friends for a long time despite our differences.

There’s another, she was quite nervous at first, seemed sad. Like me just got out of a relationship. We spoke a lot and I didn’t really expect it to go much further than that but as I got to know her better she revealed herself to me, very talented chef. Sweet, caring etc. Suddenly out of nowhere there’s fire between us. I’m still not really sure how it happened.

There’s a woman from Poland but we’ve only ever emailed eachother. She’s like a pen pal really,  I get an email once a week so the pace is slow but it’s been nice to get to know her. I look forward to her emails. I usually try to reply to her on Sunday. It gives me an activity, you know how I hate Sundays.

Then there’s the one who only calls me when she’s drunk. There was always a thing between us but she’s kinda stuck, I know she likes me but I’m pretty sure she’s seeing someone. Hence she calls when she’s drunk. It’s a damn shame really because I’ve always liked her and will always have time for her. I just give her shit about calling me when she’s sober.

Another, a Chinese national. I haven’t spoken to her in a while but I should get ahold of her, she’s a good friend who was going through a tough time with a death in the family. This woman is extremely intelligent and I can say she’s taught me quite a bit in the time I’ve known her. I’m happy that she and her family are doing better now.

Then we have this one, obviously the one I’m fascinated with is hard to get. This woman is exceptionally talented creativity speaking. She managed to get me to appreciate art which is an achievement in itself. I can’t really find the words to describe this one. We are very similar in many ways, the first month of knowing her was spent with her stealing the words from my mouth. The first time we spoke she threw me entirely off guard and as she opened up she showed me her soul, truly an exceptional woman. Likes to challenge me. Accent like a Bond villain.

I’ve met many women from all different races, countries and backgrounds and each of them has contributed to myself in some way or another. Each of them have my respect, not as women but as people.  Each of them unique and beautiful in their own ways. The other thing I wanted to mention is that it’s damn hard to make male friends. Usually single serving if at all.

The other thing I noticed is that it’s amazing what cleaning yourself up can do. That’s when things really started. I’d met these women and they were great friends with me. As soon as I was far enough out of my hole to bother cleaning myself up I got a lot more interest. I guess I scrub up well. That’s when the drunk phone calls started despite her giving me shit not two weeks earlier for being drunk while talking to her.

I’m no stranger to the opposite sex but I have to admit it’s been weird to have so many interested. I must be doing something right. The other thing I’ve noticed with all of them in my life I’m actually a happier person, they each contribute to that in one way or another. I actually never realised being single was okay. I’ll admit I’ve grown fond of all of them and I plan to keep them in my life regardless of a relationship forming. I hope that’s possible and it should be because we are friends before anything else.

The other thing I’ve noticed is that none of these women are originally from England. My favourite drunk caller is of African descent, beautiful woman, great laugh and pain in my ass but aren’t all the best ones? I don’t know why I do so badly with English women. Granted I get looks but rarely goes any further than that with an English girl. That’s not something I’m bothered by if I’m honest.

My relationships have always been with women from outside of my own country. Even those with similar cultures have taught me much. I like the differences in culture, food and more. If they like you enough you’ll be treated to lots of new food. There’s also that moment when she’s in bed tired and can’t English anymore. To be honest I find these moments rewarding.

I don’t mind a little bit of teasing, it’s a good laugh. When she makes fun of you for being English and you do the same to her. I told her already that she sounds like a Bond villain. It’s the things like that which make the relationship between you more rewarding.

All this said my strangest experience with an Arab woman. There was a lot of fire between us and we genuinely liked eachother. At one point she said I was too white. Something I’ve heard from women of other ethnicities. Usually poking fun at me, not something that even registers beyond making me laugh. She disappeared later which is when it clicked in my head that’s she’s a Muslim, and I’m pretty sure from what I know of her parents that they would not be be cool with her seeing me. I don’t blame her or anything. It’s a damn shame because I liked her a lot in the time we knew eachother but yeah I wouldn’t want to get her in trouble.

In all it’s been a rewarding experience meeting new women and getting my act together. There’s obviously more female friends than male at this point, but a few will even smash back beers with me so I’m not exactly lacking in that area. Would be screwed if I was into sports though.

I started to write this post basically to acknowledge the postive impact all these women have had on my life recently. They’ve made me happier and in ways they’ve helped me love myself. Even if I feel personally there isn’t much they see something in me which means I can’t be so bad.   After meeting all these amazing women I’m not in a rush to enter into anything.

-Misanthropist.

Do you like Pina Coladas?

Posted in Love, The Internet., women with tags , , , , , on January 17, 2017 by MISANTHROPIST

The strangest thing happened to me today, I posted on a popular website to meet new people as I’d been alone lately. A woman answered me from Europe and I replied, 12 hours later she got back to me and told me where she was from. In the same message she asked my name which I provided.

She said she could relate to my post a lot with what had been going on in her life. I felt like I knew her, it felt very familiar. She replies with my full name and I return with my nickname for her. It turns out to be my ex girlfriend who I just broke up with.

We talked a lot after that, I thought she would just stop replying but we talked and had the most meaningful conversation we’ve had in months. I’ve felt nothing but either determined, pissed off or caffeinated for a while now so you can imagine. Suddenly emotions.

We reconciled and she seems to have grown since we have been away. We spoke the whole evening and we were honest with one another, I feel like this she hasn’t let me in like this in a while. A few things occurred to me during the conversation that may be important. 

If we hadn’t spoken today we may not have spoken for months or ever. She said she almost deleted it because she was tired but she finished it before bed. Today she told me she loved me and when she found out other women were interested she opened up and said she was afraid of losing me. 

She was afraid that by the time she is okay it will be too late. I’ll be gone and she isn’t half wrong. I could have easily done so if I had to. It’s been a fucking weird day for me. We’re not back together but this is a start. She needs to learn to let me in, I know it’s not on purpose.

She said that people haven’t been the best to her when she opened up in the past. I promptly reminded her that I’m not people. I pointed out how she spoke about loving me, fell asleep with me and spoke about us having a life together but she hasn’t let me in. Paradox much?

She seemed to understand this logic. Again a step forward. She’s changed a little and for the better but she’s still herself. I do see through her, I just wish she would tell me rather than let me read her. I’m willing to be patient and assured her that I’m not going to disappear on her. She misses me and loves me, I guess that’s a start.

She finally dropped the bullshit and pulled back when she realised I could see someone else. Why should it have taken so much for her to do this. I had to reassure her that of all people I will accept her for who she is and how she feels. Does she not think that’s important to me?

I have to get the fucking difficult ones… despite being difficult she’s a sweet woman. Warm, caring in her own way. I guess we’ll see where it goes. This lifts a weight off me, I’ll admit.

I still don’t like pina coladas though…

-Misanthropist.

This Christmas.

Posted in Christmas with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 28, 2016 by MISANTHROPIST

I felt as if this year would be the year things would finally work out boy was I wrong. I’m basically back where I started without a job or a partner. Like the Ouroboros I’ve come full circle and essentially devoured my own tail.
As for my ex: it went out not with a bang but as the embers of a fire would, it slowly died. Lack of communication from her end being the water the doused the flame. Obviously I’m not without fault here but had she spoken to me when it was relevant we’d be happy right now.

The worst of it was the message I recieved as I sat down for my Christmas meal. Before that I was angry but after I couldn’t even eat my food. Again, nothing too dramatic but it cut deep. It read ‘I love you’ and those three words were a knife to the heart.

I’ve had an awful Christmas. I barely drank anything. I barely ate and didn’t so much as smoke a cigarette. You know you’re upset when the heartbreak causes you to forgo a nicotine addiction. I’m upset and I don’t think she’ll come back.

To that end I set about meeting people and I met one. A French Arab girl and things moved quite fast between us. Maybe too fast, I haven’t heard much from her since but I know she won’t forget about me. I’ll hear from her when she’s not busy.

Aside from that there’s the one girl I was talking with before I met my ex. Had things gone well I’d be dating her and I know that for a fact. She has a boyfriend now, she’s cooled down a bit but she’s keeping me around and I know why. That’s a matter of time.

If nothing ever happened between us I’d still be happy to have her as a friend. She’s a good woman and deserves happiness. Probably would have made an amazing girlfriend. She’ll make a man very happy one day.

I’m kinda disgusted with myself at how quickly that happened with the other girl. I feel like I’ve finally become fully steeled to loss. I don’t know how else to explain it but I’m happy to know I’m still marketable. Something kinda weird happened.

You see English girls are not really forward until they’ve consumed enough alcohol to begin the ritual that attracts a mate. Shit, Attenborough should narrate that last sentence… There was a Russian girl with her mother next to me at the lights.

I catch the sight of these beautiful ice blue eyes and assume she’s just looking around but upon looking and glancing away then back again I noticed she wasn’t hearing her mother but looking at me. Suddenly our eyes lock because she realised I was looking back and she gave me the warmest smile.

I should have asked for a number. When your heart is broken you don’t think that way. Still those piercing blue eyes were really something. Again it’s nice to know I’m still marketable.

In the end I spent my Christmas Eve talking to an old friend I met through the creation of this blog, it was nice to catch up. We don’t get to talk so often but I do enjoy talking to him. If he were in the same country as myself we would be hitting the bars. Thanks for the talk mate. I needed that.

I’ve had writer’s block for some time, that and dealing with my relationship problems have stopped me from writing. I was able to write a full post this time so I’m guessing I’m doing better.

I’m still not entirely comfortable with how quickly I’m progressing because I obviously love my ex and I don’t feel it’s fair to hurt another woman because of it. I’m keeping my possibilities open. Or at least I justify it that way. It’s a mixture of loneliness and being a man.

New Years is going to be a party I’m sure. There’s always company on New Years so it’ll be acceptable. It’s the loneliness that bleeds you to death with it cuts you. My modus operandi at the present is surround myself with people, occupy myself with distractions and drink to enjoy not to get buzzed. I don’t need to be emotional right now.

All said it was nice to have family around. I got a games console, two guitars and some army boots. This is the most I’ve recieved since I was 15. It was nice to open something. If she were here, despite the shit we went through it would have been perfect. I play as though I’m alright but yeah it does hurt and I do love her deeply.

I can’t just sit here crying about it however. I’ve been around enough to know that you get upset and try to reconcile and they go with the first dude who gives them the feelies. Usually you get a message six months later stating their regret etc but but then you’re already in a relationship or seeing someone.

This isn’t a fairytale love, I’m not going to sit here and wallow in sadness waiting for Cinderella to come back and claim the glass slipper she smashed across my head. I’d love to have her back but I’m old enough to know that life rarely gives us such graces.

Right now I need a friend. You can keep your soul, I don’t want a soul mate.

Merry Christmas my ass,
-Misanthropist.

Every time just like the last, on the ship tied to the mast.

Posted in Love, Relationships, women with tags , , , , , , , , , , on November 11, 2015 by MISANTHROPIST
full circle

full circle

Funny how that fits love perfectly isn’t it? It’s actually alluding to heroin usage. Love has been compared to drugs. Maybe it’s just more personal for me. I’ve learned a lot since my last two forays into love and relationships.

The first one was painful when it ended, it really hurt me losing her. She was my best friend since we were kids but it pales in consideration to the fuckery of the second one. I’m not saying I blame her for everything but in retrospect I now know what is to be in a bad relationship.

Still it hurt to lose her because she meant a lot to me and at the time I probably would have done everything and anything to make it right and workable… Now I’m outside of it I’m like ‘fuck that’ and ‘was I stupid.’ The answer to this is yes I was and that I am not innocent.

Now I have experience of both I know what to look out for and the multitude of ways I could fuck up a good thing. It’s all a learning curve. So I set out again with fresh perspective, scars and lessons learned.

When I was younger, less experienced and more arrogant I wrote an article regarding break ups. The information was good but it was best case scenario stuff. Easier said than done I think it’s called. It’s not so easy with the intense emotions involved in an actual break up.

It’s easy to talk from the outside of these situations. When you’re there yourself in your own unique set of circumstances there is no right answer. Plenty of wrong ones though. All of the advice was rather non specific and cannot be applied so well in practice for that reason.

I should rewrite that article. This brings me to what I am looking for. I don’t necessarily have a type. I like intelligence, I have to be physically attracted to her. There has to be something special about her. I think that’s all manufactured by my own perception though.

As I mentioned I’ve met two women I like. The first one I met is a really nice woman in a really shit place. Very likeable, she’s still learning about how people can be shit. She means so well and cares so deeply that people will try to take advantage of her, and they have.

A part of me wants to teach her the skill of spotting those pricks a mile off but at the same time I’m worried she’ll become jaded as I did. So I’m just focusing on making her laugh talking to her and stressing that none of what happened is her fault.

I like her partly because I feel completely at ease talking to her, we agree on a lot of points and she appreciates my perspective. If she finds the right man she’ll be a great partner and a very happy woman.

Now the other one is something different. She seems very intelligent, eloquent and pretty fun to converse with. She’s never really thought about companionship until recently. She seems to have taken a liking to me. Quite a unique woman in many ways. I’m just getting to know her really.

There’s another girl I met too, she’s a strange one. Great sense of humour and easy on the eyes. Very clever but she doesn’t display that. Very casual in her conversation. I like her but I’m really not sure why. She’s an endearing kind of weird. Also I’m weak for a sarcastic chick.

I’m not even sure she means to be likeable but I get the feeling she’s into me. I’m going to have to test that hypothesis by throwing a compliment out there and watching her reaction. I’ll be able to tell but this one is generally quite hard to read. I like a challenge.

I’m actually looking forward to the point where I can spend some time alone with someone. What I would give to fall asleep with someone. I miss that warmth next to me at night. I’d complain about it before but now I miss having my covers stolen by a sleeping woman.

It’s funny too, how when you get into a relationship they always end up stealing your clothing. My ex fiancée still has my favourite jacket and Chelsea scarf. My other ex has my damn sweater. They both stole my damn underwear because and I quote ‘Ohh these are so comfortable.’

Or did I give the underwear away? Remember what I said about love making you stupid. That’s the sad part really. You give pieces of yourself to them both literally and figuratively. Pieces that when they walk away you can never get back. Knowing that makes me hesitant to do it all again.

I’ve had to tell myself that my experience, although it seems vast to me, is actually quite limited. Also that I shouldn’t let the outcome of past experiences dictate future ones. Your baggage can end up hurting someone you care about. I have to go in with fresh perspective.

Keep your eyes and ears open but don’t expect them to act as their predecessors did, they are individuals. You just have to let them act and judge based on their actions. Only when you can do that are you ready to start another relationship.

Knowing what I now know, letting go of the past, having felt what I felt and experienced both good and bad, I would say I’m ready now. That and the fact that I can’t get mind off fucking. Suddenly my brain is hyper sexual. I find myself being distracted when I see an attractive woman. You know that automatic head turn?

It’s not a problem until I almost get ran over because I’m distracted by the woman in the shop with the amazing ass. I really need to do something about that as its becoming a problem. I find myself meeting their gaze and smiling at them too because what is the point of admiring her if she doesn’t realise I’m doing it.

It’s not just all that though. I find myself missing cooking together and showering. Those random passionate moments where she’s walking in the hallway and you’re staring at her ass as she walks then you grab her by the hips, turn her around and start kissing her.

I actually find myself missing the attention. I’m not sure if that’s sad or not. I could use something to smile about. I’m definitely craving someone. Love and lust are powerful things.

Having gone through those last two relationships I have to ask myself: How many times must I sell myself before my pieces are gone? This time I’ll do things differently.

-Misanthropist.

As the colours of our memories fade, I’m only wanting to melt beautifully away.

Posted in Relationships, women with tags , , , , , on July 24, 2015 by MISANTHROPIST

  
Ever gotten sick of someone you love? It’s not a nice realisation to come to. The person you used to love with your entire being is now someone who you’ve come to dislike greatly, maybe it’s because after the time you spent together they should know better. when your favourite memories are marred by pain and regret what else can you do but melt away like sand through the fingers?

Someone told me recently ‘You’re a good person.’ To which I could only profess that I am anything but a good person. I made mistakes. Some of them unforgivable. I’m not a good person, I’m simply a person. All I can say is I always loved her. I had tried to be her guide, her friend and her lover. Someone so beautifully innocent needs to be aware of the evils of people. Lest they end up like me.

Even the most resolute Misanthropist was once a romantic, who believed in good, truth and fair play. The world has a way of scarring us, robbing us of our innocence and leaving us cold. Nobody deserves to go through that transition. I heard a song that describes it perfectly even though I hate the band.

On the outside you’re ablaze and alive but your dead inside.

It’s really getting to that point again. The doors are closed, the drawbridge is up, we’ve released the Sharks into the moat and I hold the keys to the chambers. I’m pretty done with people. As a fair man I’m giving her a weekend with me and if we can fix this mess I’ll be happy. Just don’t expect my emotional investment. The hour is late and I have to protect myself.

I’ve wasted time, I’ve wasted breath and I’ve beat myself half to death over my mistakes. This is where I’m done. I wanted a partner. She seemed like a perfect candidate at one point, she was good for me in a lot of ways. Next month she arrives in London. Let’s see what became of forever shall we? Words are weightless here on earth because they’re free. We’ll see if these ones hold any weight.

If that weekend doesn’t go well I’m going to have to walk away, disappear as such. Fade away like a memory. Melt beautifully away. I just hope she doesn’t miss me because there will be no trace when I leave. That way it’s easier, at least for me. I’m done helping others, I need to help myself now.

-Misanthropist.

I think I’m dating an alpha female.

Posted in Useless information. with tags , , , on June 9, 2014 by MISANTHROPIST

I never really thought about social hierarchy in humans, it does exist but it’s so loose. I mean it isn’t just based on brute strength there’s so many other social factors that play into it. Anyway I didn’t post to examine human social hierarchies. The more time I spend with her the more I see it, she’s like an alpha female. I’ve seen these traits expressed in men before but never in a woman. I have no complaints really, my masculinity isn’t threatened by it. I’ve always said she was more a lioness than a delicate flower. It’s a strange balance. She displays all of these ‘alpha’ qualities but she’s also really sweet and you know, feminine. One thing I’ve learned in my short time is she gets what she wants. Just happens to be me. I don’t think she’d agree with me if I told her she was pretty much archetypal alpha female.

It throws me through a loop sometimes. She’s intelligent, fiercely protective and yet gentle and kind. Recently she ran into some trouble with a guy who was harassing her and yeah it didn’t end well for him. When a woman says ‘No’ you don’t touch. Especially not when the woman in question could break every bone in your body. In her own words ‘if he didn’t look like something was wrong with him I’d have beat his ass.’ This girl isn’t afraid of anything. It’s nice not to have to worry so much about her safety. I’m also finding it weird to have a woman be so protective of me. It isn’t over the top or anything but yeah it’s different from anything I’ve ever experienced. I guess growing up as a woman in Brazil makes you tougher. She’s one of the fiercest, most loyal and direct individuals I know. There’s none of the usual hissy-fit crap that I’ve experienced in the past. She’s pretty exceptional. That or I’m in love.

I’m in a relationship with a lioness. Either a lioness or tomb raider reincarnated. I think she’s ruined women for me forever.
-Misanthropist.