Archive for feelings

A positive.

Posted in Relationships, women with tags , , , , on April 12, 2017 by MISANTHROPIST

I have managed a plus out of all this, I met a lovely woman who I would say I respect and admire. There was some progress with her but it’s too soon to tell if it matters less than I believe or maybe it’ll change in the future. I will be genuinely upset if it goes nowhere but yeah I’m pretty sure its not something you do with everyone.

I find myself genuinely caring what she thinks about me. Enough to explain myself. I also find myself caring when she feels bad. She has her days despite being as strong as she is. I actually find myself missing her when she’s away. I developed feelings for her quite quickly, which isn’t normal for me, I liked her a lot when we met but I’m guessing that grew into attraction by the way I’m talking about her. Like I said before she’s an exceptional woman and honestly I don’t see why she’s alone.

If I have my way she won’t stay that way for too long. In a way I think I’m trying to prove a point that I care about her and want her to be happy, that’s she’s wanted. I never understood why the most beautiful women think they’re ugly even when they don’t say it. Why the most most exceptional ones think they’re nothing special. She would tell me it’s all perspective. I kinda like that she’s a smart ass. Makes me smile.

I wonder where this all come from but at the same time I know. I don’t think I’ve ever met someone who is so similar to myself but different at the same time. Fucking beautiful too. She doesn’t smile much but the eyes say it all sometimes. If all goes right I could see myself being very happy with her but again it’s early days. At this point all I can do is show her I am for real.

You lose some you win some or at least make progress. I think it’s important to stress that it’s not all shit. 



Another minus.

Posted in People, Relationships, women with tags , , , , , , on April 12, 2017 by MISANTHROPIST

Recently I spoke with a woman I’ve known for a while. We’re a case of missed connections. She doesn’t quite see me the same and that’s okay but she’s been talking to me on and off, for me I believed I felt chemistry. I told her again recently that I’ve always liked her and while I enjoy her company immensely it’s hard to be around her. Being and off with me bothers me, both in terms of our interactions and her contact. She fell asleep on the phone with me  less than a fortnight back, she used to do that a lot and I guess it reminded me of what was.

All I can say is it’s a damn shame, she said she doesn’t feel the same and we should cool it for a while which is reasonable. I mentioned there wasn’t really anything to cool and we’ll talk when we do. On writing this down here I realise I may have sounded like an ass unintentionally.

I let her know I didn’t mean to sound like an ass if I did. Explained my meaning etc. I’m a little upset but at the same time I can’t lose what I never had. She’s a lovely woman it’s a shame we didn’t get more time together really I truly did like her though. It’s a loss for me in a way but hey if we can remain friends that would be nice. I guess I’ll wait for the day I hear from her next and we’ll see.

Two down. This one isn’t a plus however.


A wonderful week this is turning out to be. 

Posted in Relationships, women with tags , , , , on December 29, 2016 by MISANTHROPIST

As if this past week wasn’t shitty enough guess who’s birthday is tomorrow. That’s right! My ex fiancée. ‘Now if you’re reading this love don’t worry I’m not talking shit about you, you may even learn something so keep reading…’ 

Now our relationship is a long one, if you read back to the start of this blog you’ll see I’m talking a lot about America and a certain woman in my life whom, despite what has happened, I care about very much. Even to this day she holds a place in my heart and always will.

A few years back she attempted to reconcile with me and I was too stupid to realise what was going on, I’d fallen in love with a Brazilian woman and even when I did realise I could do nothing about it lest I be a heartless bastard. I made the difficult decision to do right. Sometimes I regret it.

She’s engaged now to some douche I will never like. I always get the feeling she’s not entirely happy. She can’t say so at least. They got in a little to deep and now there are incentives to stay put. It’s not like she could up and leave if she wanted to. She didn’t speak to me much this holiday. Busy I guess but there’s one doubt in the back of my mind.

She told me recently he didn’t like her talking to me. Now I respect her relationship. I have no respect for him but her I do. I wouldn’t violate that. I’ve had little fuck boys try to mess with my relationship. Luckily the women I’ve been with dealt with them for the most part. Occasionally a man has to be a man though.

My point is that I hate when others do it so I wouldn’t do it to someone else. Doesn’t matter if it’s a random dude or the douche that is engaged to my childhood sweetheart. I wouldn’t go there out of respect.

I know she doesn’t talk to me much because of him. We’ve known each other for ten years and I’ll outlast this fucker. I’ve served the longest tour. I love this woman and I always will. I have times when I miss her a lot. Like her birthday tomorrow. What I wouldn’t give to kiss that woman one last time…

I’m not sure that she knows how I feel but I saw it in her eyes a while back. If you don’t know someone after ten years then you’re not paying attention. Dispite my feelings I’m happy to have her as a friend and she’s been there through everything.

So I’m going to say happy birthday tomorrow and if their relationship suffers it must be quite fragile to begin with, I would go with saying it’s not her but him. Ever see someone with someone else and think they’re bad for one another. ‘Remember how you did with the Brazilian? Yeah love it’s exactly like that.’

In any case that’s not my choice to make. I want her to be happy even without me and she hasn’t seemed happy for a long time. I don’t doubt they love each other, they have their good times but to me it seems mostly bad. All I can do is wait and see. We will talk sometime soon I imagine.

All I know is I miss having her in my life. However life isn’t a romantic comedy and we mostly likely won’t end up back together. I just miss her as a person and her presence at a time like this would be much appreciated.

If you’re reading this it’s likely that at least a month has gone by since I wrote it and events have unfolded already. If you have any questions I’m a fantastic beast and you know where to find me.



Posted in General with tags , , , on October 28, 2015 by MISANTHROPIST

Another day has passed and everything is still crystalline. I’m not even sure why this started but it’s there and this sudden drive doesn’t seem to be going away. I’m very much aware of my situation. I’ve been looking into all sorts of aspects of my life and making changes. 

These changes can be as little as a black coffee in the morning or something like new clothes. I feel the need to sort, categorise and reshuffle everything, which is probably something to do with awareness of my day to day life. From my financial situation to short/long term goals.

I suddenly feel the need to have this all arranged around my mind like some sort of mental H.U.D. It’s really weird how this came on all of a sudden. Everything is pretty much in order other than the data on my spending for the budget. 

I find myself smiling and maybe even happy for the first time in a long time. It’s a beautiful night, it’s raining outside. Rain is such a nice sound. In have everything done, job applications sent, showering and grooming, clothes for the morning. 

I’m basically done for the day and for the first time in a long time I’m not bored. I have time to write and I’m just relaxing. I have one or two ideas bouncing around but nothing I have to pay too much attention too right now. 

I am leaning towards taking steps to remedy my perpetual boredom. Nothing major just a nice day out. I have it all completely organised. All that’s left is paying and going. Me and my cohort may even have a plus one, ex colleague and a good friend of ours.

It seems presenting an organised plan made it an attractive prospect. Even if he flakes we will continue as planned. All this has reminded me I need to plan another trip to see an old friend…

Nothing is perfect but everything is okay. A side note, black coffee is life.


A most painful experience 

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on August 8, 2015 by MISANTHROPIST

You would think it stupid, an innocuous task. An annoyance at the very worst. Maybe that’s why I’ve subconsciously been avoiding the task for some time, because I knew it would be painful when I saw them. Today it came to the point where I was forced to clean up my space. The place I live in, don’t get me wrong I clean regularly. The whole house but in my bedroom I seldom scratch the surface.

If I were to go much deeper than the shallows I would begin to find and see things. Lost parts of myself, people long gone. Flames that have gone out. Like a museum and a mirror all in one. It’s not the nicest of experiences. This time was quite different. Letters, gifts, notes, clothing, toiletries, plane tickets, pictures. The whole 9 yards. 

It was a most painful experience, I can’t say I’ve ever been made to feel so awful by an innocuous task such as cleaning but here we are. When I love someone I do it whole heartedly. I don’t love by halves. The unfortunate thing is it makes breakups a painful process. Not just losing a girlfriend, but a friend, confidante and much more.

 These things are a part of life. Doesn’t make them any easier. I’ve thrown away a lot of things. Broken things and parts of myself that have long been lost to time. One think that is certain is that the memories fade and faces blur. Time devours all things. In some cases those artefacts were the last pieces of a memory. Some things just have to be let go of, and there has never been a better time. 

The other thing I saw in the museum of me was all that I could have become. My potential, what was wasted was painfully reflected back to me. It really put into perspective my lack of plans and how many opportunities that have passed me due to my travels. It’s funny that all this time I still have an almost instinctual urge to escape London and England all together. It’s apparent that there is as little here for me as there has ever been.


Sadness is okay but not when it becomes all encompassing. That kind of sadness is destructive and not healthy for anyone. Of course I’m upset, I’m just more upset about my current state of being. Feels like everything went wrong slowly over the course of a few months. I’ve lost a lot in half a year, almost everything. I’m now free of it. No obligation to anyone or anything. 

Having freedom is great but I really don’t know what to do with it. I really need to find something to occupy me. I need money, friends and more women in my life. I think it’d be wise for me to spend the next few months working on myself and getting some sort of direction because at the moment I’m slowly going nowhere.

It’s gonna be a long few months. I’m just glad I won’t have to see that stuff again. People always talk about how this sort of thing is therapeutic. I disagree. It’s more like a wake up call. Blunt, abrasive, painful. Probably necessary. I need a direction because honestly I have never had one. I also need a job.


é complicado

Posted in General Dumbassery, Relationships, Useless information., women with tags , , , on May 25, 2015 by MISANTHROPIST

Why is nothing simple? I won’t lie to you, I’m tired. Very tired. Some days I wish I wouldn’t wake up and if this is a dream then wake me. I’m hurt, I will say that. I’m not sure what hurts more, that the love is still there or that it’s over. For me, this ending was premature. There’s a lot that I hate myself for, a lot I would have done differently.

Have you ever been so consumed with the idea of seeing someone that you begin to neglect the person? I have. It was one of my many mistakes. Strange thing is that I know we will collide again, I’m not sure why I’m not happier about it. Love is a funny thing and this person really mattered to me. 

It doesn’t happen often, that connection I mean. Maybe that’s why it’s so special when it does. Why I put so much of myself into these things and why I usually feel kinda destroyed when it goes bad. I did learn something from it. This break up wasn’t messy but it was confusing. She’s still in my life and apparently she still loves me and wants to see me. It’s strangely like we’re still together. Until I remember we aren’t. Then again reality is often harsh and disturbing and I should deal with it.

I’m tired of losing people who matter to me. And tomorrow work begins again…


From the ashes.

Posted in General with tags , , , , , , , , on May 3, 2015 by MISANTHROPIST

KvMfRFqPrepared for re-entry, then came crashing down to earth. That encapsulates my last few months. All good things most come to an end they say, que sera sera is what I said. Whatever will be, will be. Here I am now, back in a space I have seriously neglected over the past months. I feel I owe an explanation for my absence. This blog has been with me for a long time, through the good and bad but mostly shit times. This is one of those shit times. I’ve been carrying so much that writing has been seemingly impossible. So I’m taking the easy route, getting a few things of my chest and informing whatever audience I have left of what’s been happening with me. The take off and breakdown of everything. Unlike Atlas I can let it go. Here’s where we are now in this story,

The break down of a relationship is one thing but when you’re using alcohol as a means of feeling better you usually only end up feeling worse, having learned this the hard way last time I’ve cut down on my drinking. I’m trying to smoke less too because what’s the point. Nothing remedies a rough break up like self-improvement. And trust me there is so much to improve on here. The last year or so has been amazing, challenging and at some points it was god awful. Again I’ve gone in with everything and come out with nothing to show for it. I find my situation is confirming all of my previous assertions and has me wondering, like always, ‘why do I bother?’

Things are a mess of complications, emotions and general fuckery. I’m almost at the end of the tunnel however. I’m trying to eat better and look after myself, while regaining my ability to drop someone like a lead weight. Dependency on anyone, emotional or otherwise is never a good thing. Dependency on anything isn’t a smart way to live. It always ends badly. I’m going to need to write more, between my work and the cluster fuck that is my personal life. I need to lift myself up, throw this shit off my back and soldier on. Scars and all. Can’t stop now. I need focus. Between this blog and cleaning up my own messes I really need to give my thought to my music, do all of it for myself. Roll my sleeves and make a better man of me because I’m tired of these same scenes.

Like watching a movie you’ve seen a thousand times, a pointless exercise. Nihil Novi Sub Sol. I guess. And if I haven’t learned anything from it then I deserve to suffer for that. And, oh, how I’ve suffered. My tolerance for people is at an all time low. Someone I call a friend tries lying to me, thank fuck people aren’t too stupid to spot an habitual bullshitter. I can ignore your bullshit but when you turn it onto me expect my backlash to be spectacular. I’ve got these damn kids asking me to buy cigarettes in front of a shop keeper and then bitching when I don’t buy them, shop keepers lying because they’re too stupid to work a scanner. On top of that I witnessed a theft today on my way to the store. Scumbags stealing bikes off kids and to make matters worse all the idiot teenagers are huffing nitrous now. So I’m not just surrounded by idiots but now they’re stoned. Great.

I hate this place. I feel trapped because every fucking time I try to get out I’m dragged back down almost as if it had the gravitational pull of a black hole. Hopefully one day I can exit this atmosphere all together and we’ll call me the space cowboy. I have no idea why I broke my own rules not to wager on people anymore but I did and here I am suffering for it, hating almost everyone around me and definitely everything. On street level people are shit, you only have to look at the news to see the same thing on a larger scale. I’m disgusted on an industrial scale almost. I’m trying to be patient with people but to be honest I feel I’d be better off with less of them. I’d go into writing more about how shit everything is but it’s boring, low hanging fruit. I need to shower and cook that chilli. Everyone else in my house is watching the hobbit film, which one I don’t care. Honestly, I can’t even movie anymore.

When it all falls down, here I stand. In the desolation, until I move to greener pastures.