Archive for ex

A wonderful week this is turning out to be. 

Posted in Relationships, women with tags , , , , on December 29, 2016 by MISANTHROPIST

As if this past week wasn’t shitty enough guess who’s birthday is tomorrow. That’s right! My ex fiancée. ‘Now if you’re reading this love don’t worry I’m not talking shit about you, you may even learn something so keep reading…’ 

Now our relationship is a long one, if you read back to the start of this blog you’ll see I’m talking a lot about America and a certain woman in my life whom, despite what has happened, I care about very much. Even to this day she holds a place in my heart and always will.

A few years back she attempted to reconcile with me and I was too stupid to realise what was going on, I’d fallen in love with a Brazilian woman and even when I did realise I could do nothing about it lest I be a heartless bastard. I made the difficult decision to do right. Sometimes I regret it.

She’s engaged now to some douche I will never like. I always get the feeling she’s not entirely happy. She can’t say so at least. They got in a little to deep and now there are incentives to stay put. It’s not like she could up and leave if she wanted to. She didn’t speak to me much this holiday. Busy I guess but there’s one doubt in the back of my mind.

She told me recently he didn’t like her talking to me. Now I respect her relationship. I have no respect for him but her I do. I wouldn’t violate that. I’ve had little fuck boys try to mess with my relationship. Luckily the women I’ve been with dealt with them for the most part. Occasionally a man has to be a man though.

My point is that I hate when others do it so I wouldn’t do it to someone else. Doesn’t matter if it’s a random dude or the douche that is engaged to my childhood sweetheart. I wouldn’t go there out of respect.

I know she doesn’t talk to me much because of him. We’ve known each other for ten years and I’ll outlast this fucker. I’ve served the longest tour. I love this woman and I always will. I have times when I miss her a lot. Like her birthday tomorrow. What I wouldn’t give to kiss that woman one last time…

I’m not sure that she knows how I feel but I saw it in her eyes a while back. If you don’t know someone after ten years then you’re not paying attention. Dispite my feelings I’m happy to have her as a friend and she’s been there through everything.

So I’m going to say happy birthday tomorrow and if their relationship suffers it must be quite fragile to begin with, I would go with saying it’s not her but him. Ever see someone with someone else and think they’re bad for one another. ‘Remember how you did with the Brazilian? Yeah love it’s exactly like that.’

In any case that’s not my choice to make. I want her to be happy even without me and she hasn’t seemed happy for a long time. I don’t doubt they love each other, they have their good times but to me it seems mostly bad. All I can do is wait and see. We will talk sometime soon I imagine.

All I know is I miss having her in my life. However life isn’t a romantic comedy and we mostly likely won’t end up back together. I just miss her as a person and her presence at a time like this would be much appreciated.

If you’re reading this it’s likely that at least a month has gone by since I wrote it and events have unfolded already. If you have any questions I’m a fantastic beast and you know where to find me.

-Misanthropist.

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This Christmas.

Posted in Christmas with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 28, 2016 by MISANTHROPIST

I felt as if this year would be the year things would finally work out boy was I wrong. I’m basically back where I started without a job or a partner. Like the Ouroboros I’ve come full circle and essentially devoured my own tail.
As for my ex: it went out not with a bang but as the embers of a fire would, it slowly died. Lack of communication from her end being the water the doused the flame. Obviously I’m not without fault here but had she spoken to me when it was relevant we’d be happy right now.

The worst of it was the message I recieved as I sat down for my Christmas meal. Before that I was angry but after I couldn’t even eat my food. Again, nothing too dramatic but it cut deep. It read ‘I love you’ and those three words were a knife to the heart.

I’ve had an awful Christmas. I barely drank anything. I barely ate and didn’t so much as smoke a cigarette. You know you’re upset when the heartbreak causes you to forgo a nicotine addiction. I’m upset and I don’t think she’ll come back.

To that end I set about meeting people and I met one. A French Arab girl and things moved quite fast between us. Maybe too fast, I haven’t heard much from her since but I know she won’t forget about me. I’ll hear from her when she’s not busy.

Aside from that there’s the one girl I was talking with before I met my ex. Had things gone well I’d be dating her and I know that for a fact. She has a boyfriend now, she’s cooled down a bit but she’s keeping me around and I know why. That’s a matter of time.

If nothing ever happened between us I’d still be happy to have her as a friend. She’s a good woman and deserves happiness. Probably would have made an amazing girlfriend. She’ll make a man very happy one day.

I’m kinda disgusted with myself at how quickly that happened with the other girl. I feel like I’ve finally become fully steeled to loss. I don’t know how else to explain it but I’m happy to know I’m still marketable. Something kinda weird happened.

You see English girls are not really forward until they’ve consumed enough alcohol to begin the ritual that attracts a mate. Shit, Attenborough should narrate that last sentence… There was a Russian girl with her mother next to me at the lights.

I catch the sight of these beautiful ice blue eyes and assume she’s just looking around but upon looking and glancing away then back again I noticed she wasn’t hearing her mother but looking at me. Suddenly our eyes lock because she realised I was looking back and she gave me the warmest smile.

I should have asked for a number. When your heart is broken you don’t think that way. Still those piercing blue eyes were really something. Again it’s nice to know I’m still marketable.

In the end I spent my Christmas Eve talking to an old friend I met through the creation of this blog, it was nice to catch up. We don’t get to talk so often but I do enjoy talking to him. If he were in the same country as myself we would be hitting the bars. Thanks for the talk mate. I needed that.

I’ve had writer’s block for some time, that and dealing with my relationship problems have stopped me from writing. I was able to write a full post this time so I’m guessing I’m doing better.

I’m still not entirely comfortable with how quickly I’m progressing because I obviously love my ex and I don’t feel it’s fair to hurt another woman because of it. I’m keeping my possibilities open. Or at least I justify it that way. It’s a mixture of loneliness and being a man.

New Years is going to be a party I’m sure. There’s always company on New Years so it’ll be acceptable. It’s the loneliness that bleeds you to death with it cuts you. My modus operandi at the present is surround myself with people, occupy myself with distractions and drink to enjoy not to get buzzed. I don’t need to be emotional right now.

All said it was nice to have family around. I got a games console, two guitars and some army boots. This is the most I’ve recieved since I was 15. It was nice to open something. If she were here, despite the shit we went through it would have been perfect. I play as though I’m alright but yeah it does hurt and I do love her deeply.

I can’t just sit here crying about it however. I’ve been around enough to know that you get upset and try to reconcile and they go with the first dude who gives them the feelies. Usually you get a message six months later stating their regret etc but but then you’re already in a relationship or seeing someone.

This isn’t a fairytale love, I’m not going to sit here and wallow in sadness waiting for Cinderella to come back and claim the glass slipper she smashed across my head. I’d love to have her back but I’m old enough to know that life rarely gives us such graces.

Right now I need a friend. You can keep your soul, I don’t want a soul mate.

Merry Christmas my ass,
-Misanthropist.

It’s too early for this shit.

Posted in General Dumbassery with tags , , , , on June 22, 2015 by MISANTHROPIST

Monday has rolled around again, this time I am poverty so I doubt I’ll be getting smashed. I’m dipping into the emergency marijuana deposit. It’s going to be a long and dry week. 

Another thing , I wish people would stop mixing the damn pills up. I took an anti-acid last night then what I thought was an ibuprofen. Wasn’t until I started to feel spaced I realised I’d slammed down 50mg of tramadol for a headache… Probably why I feel like death this morning.

I am awake way too early for this shit or any shit. Even work. I was surprised to see some correspondence from my wonderful ex girlfriend requesting my presence for whatever reason. Usually I’d be disinclined to aquiesce to her request but on this morning I’m feeling particularly warm and fuzzy. Must be the tramadol.

I asked her to wait while I had a coffee and a cigarette. Until the ritual is complete I’m not functional or even a human being. I get finished around about 10-15 minutes after only to find she had passed out. So I’m here, it’s almost 9am and I have shit all to do. It’s too early to start cleaning but too late for me to go back to sleep. What do I even?

Today is going to be boring as hell. I was thinking about watching that new ‘through the wormhole’ series narrated by Morgan Freeman but that will be later tonight. I could always watch some Attenborough while I smoke that last joint, I have a good portion of his works. It’s quite a strange thing to watch a man age in front of you.

I have absolutely no clue what I’m going to do today… A final note, look at your pills before you pop them. You may be unlucky enough to live with some idiot who thinks throwing powerful prescription painkillers in with ibuprofen is a great idea!

I wish I could go back to sleep. 

-Misanthropist.

My old girlfriend.

Posted in Misanthropy, People, Relationships with tags , , , , , , , , on August 3, 2012 by MISANTHROPIST

I had a girlfriend at a very young age, we were very close as kids until she went away to a different school. We lost contact, grew up separately and very differently. She had a child and I decided my life was going to be a complete gamble and some point and we faded into time, I assumed our memories of each other did too. Looks like I was wrong.

She contacted me after trying to find me for years. She’d seen me on the street but never stopped me and I’ll be damned if I stop for a long conversation when I’m going somewhere. I assumed she knew it was me. She messaged me and began a conversation asking me how I was and the usual. We caught up sort of, I explained a few details of my life but she really has no idea. I don’t feel like sharing. We had something a long time ago but that was way back. We don’t really know each other anymore.

Now I don’t exactly want to tell her ‘yeah I used to know you but I don’t anymore’ but during a conversation with my woman she says I haven’t changed a bit. I’m left wondering if she really believes that or it’s just how little she knows. I don’t mind talking to her but it was a long time ago and we’re not besties like we used to be. I mean it’d be nice to see her but there will never be an ‘us’ again. I don’t think she’s looking for that but I’d rather be sure.

I’m not the sweet, caring kid she used to know.
Misanthropist.