Archive for break up

This Christmas.

Posted in Christmas with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 28, 2016 by MISANTHROPIST

I felt as if this year would be the year things would finally work out boy was I wrong. I’m basically back where I started without a job or a partner. Like the Ouroboros I’ve come full circle and essentially devoured my own tail.
As for my ex: it went out not with a bang but as the embers of a fire would, it slowly died. Lack of communication from her end being the water the doused the flame. Obviously I’m not without fault here but had she spoken to me when it was relevant we’d be happy right now.

The worst of it was the message I recieved as I sat down for my Christmas meal. Before that I was angry but after I couldn’t even eat my food. Again, nothing too dramatic but it cut deep. It read ‘I love you’ and those three words were a knife to the heart.

I’ve had an awful Christmas. I barely drank anything. I barely ate and didn’t so much as smoke a cigarette. You know you’re upset when the heartbreak causes you to forgo a nicotine addiction. I’m upset and I don’t think she’ll come back.

To that end I set about meeting people and I met one. A French Arab girl and things moved quite fast between us. Maybe too fast, I haven’t heard much from her since but I know she won’t forget about me. I’ll hear from her when she’s not busy.

Aside from that there’s the one girl I was talking with before I met my ex. Had things gone well I’d be dating her and I know that for a fact. She has a boyfriend now, she’s cooled down a bit but she’s keeping me around and I know why. That’s a matter of time.

If nothing ever happened between us I’d still be happy to have her as a friend. She’s a good woman and deserves happiness. Probably would have made an amazing girlfriend. She’ll make a man very happy one day.

I’m kinda disgusted with myself at how quickly that happened with the other girl. I feel like I’ve finally become fully steeled to loss. I don’t know how else to explain it but I’m happy to know I’m still marketable. Something kinda weird happened.

You see English girls are not really forward until they’ve consumed enough alcohol to begin the ritual that attracts a mate. Shit, Attenborough should narrate that last sentence… There was a Russian girl with her mother next to me at the lights.

I catch the sight of these beautiful ice blue eyes and assume she’s just looking around but upon looking and glancing away then back again I noticed she wasn’t hearing her mother but looking at me. Suddenly our eyes lock because she realised I was looking back and she gave me the warmest smile.

I should have asked for a number. When your heart is broken you don’t think that way. Still those piercing blue eyes were really something. Again it’s nice to know I’m still marketable.

In the end I spent my Christmas Eve talking to an old friend I met through the creation of this blog, it was nice to catch up. We don’t get to talk so often but I do enjoy talking to him. If he were in the same country as myself we would be hitting the bars. Thanks for the talk mate. I needed that.

I’ve had writer’s block for some time, that and dealing with my relationship problems have stopped me from writing. I was able to write a full post this time so I’m guessing I’m doing better.

I’m still not entirely comfortable with how quickly I’m progressing because I obviously love my ex and I don’t feel it’s fair to hurt another woman because of it. I’m keeping my possibilities open. Or at least I justify it that way. It’s a mixture of loneliness and being a man.

New Years is going to be a party I’m sure. There’s always company on New Years so it’ll be acceptable. It’s the loneliness that bleeds you to death with it cuts you. My modus operandi at the present is surround myself with people, occupy myself with distractions and drink to enjoy not to get buzzed. I don’t need to be emotional right now.

All said it was nice to have family around. I got a games console, two guitars and some army boots. This is the most I’ve recieved since I was 15. It was nice to open something. If she were here, despite the shit we went through it would have been perfect. I play as though I’m alright but yeah it does hurt and I do love her deeply.

I can’t just sit here crying about it however. I’ve been around enough to know that you get upset and try to reconcile and they go with the first dude who gives them the feelies. Usually you get a message six months later stating their regret etc but but then you’re already in a relationship or seeing someone.

This isn’t a fairytale love, I’m not going to sit here and wallow in sadness waiting for Cinderella to come back and claim the glass slipper she smashed across my head. I’d love to have her back but I’m old enough to know that life rarely gives us such graces.

Right now I need a friend. You can keep your soul, I don’t want a soul mate.

Merry Christmas my ass,


House Party.

Posted in Misanthropy, People, Relationships, Useless information., women with tags , , , , , , , , , , on June 14, 2015 by MISANTHROPIST

I get invited out quite a bit by my old friends, the ones I had before I travelled and chased exotic and beautiful women. Usually I never go, after all there’s a reason I stopped talking to these people. I will say this, other than the scandal I’m aware of. I was surprised by their sudden maturity.

I was invited by my old friend who could write a children’s book with all his lies and fanciful imagery, the man can really paint a picture. Great guy, complete bullshitter. This invite was then fortified by having my other friend, whom I cannot stand to be around for long periods, invite me also.

The finally an enemy turned friend also insisted on my presence. She was the other best friend of my best friend.  Our relationship was a complicated and adversarial one up until he died. When the object of our quarrels passed away suddenly there was nothing left to fight over. We realised we both cared for the same person and formed a bond over his memory. As I mentioned. It’s complicated.

This once I decided to attend due to overwhelming demand for my appearance, that and I may have been lonely. It was a fancy dress party but honestly I don’t do that shit so I went dressed smart-casual in jeans and when questioned I replied ‘I came as a motherfucker.’ They let me in between laughing. 

If I had more notice I’d have gone in a gorilla suit incognito and just gestured my answers. But anyway I went as a motherfucker. I talked with people, drank shit beer, some gentleman jack and crappy club type shots. I also brought a blunt with me incase it was too boring. When I lit that fucker up I’m surprised I didn’t get an orderly queue in front of me.

Some other guy did. It’s like party rule 101 that there will always be cats. You know the ones who smoke but never buy?  We had a few people make an ass of themselves but to be fair he was a kid and we all make mistakes. Hangover got him in the morning. I’m glad they had the sense to not pass him on that joint.

I ended up getting pretty fucked up but I was still in control so it was quite fun. I got a lecture from that girl I spoke about previously for doing acid. Okay, calm down mom. I also had a funny moment where I was watching some girl dance and damn that ass. I’m sitting there, sipping on a glass of whiskey and having my own personal show. I was in a zone out just watching…

I go on to realising it was my friend’s girlfriend, complimented her on the dancing and rationalised to myself that it was because I’d liked her a lot when we were younger. But yeah, wouldn’t do that to a brother. And this leads me to the scandal; she cheated on him and everybody knows but nobody will tell him. He lives with snakes and doesn’t even know it.

It’s times like that I remember why I am a misanthrope and why if you want to know me you have to put in effort. If you’re not gonna put in the time you’re probably not worth my while and I’d rather skip the formalities and bullshit. People are still shit, they have just matured.

All in all it was a good night, I made some friends and got back in touch with some old ones. I also left at 5am and walked home. A few miles seems longer when you’re drunk and absolutely stoned out of your mind. I woke up the next day slightly hung over to the realisation I’m still alone and listened to some break up music, had a California hangover cure later that evening and all was well.

Oh the things I do to erase you for an evening…


é complicado

Posted in General Dumbassery, Relationships, Useless information., women with tags , , , on May 25, 2015 by MISANTHROPIST

Why is nothing simple? I won’t lie to you, I’m tired. Very tired. Some days I wish I wouldn’t wake up and if this is a dream then wake me. I’m hurt, I will say that. I’m not sure what hurts more, that the love is still there or that it’s over. For me, this ending was premature. There’s a lot that I hate myself for, a lot I would have done differently.

Have you ever been so consumed with the idea of seeing someone that you begin to neglect the person? I have. It was one of my many mistakes. Strange thing is that I know we will collide again, I’m not sure why I’m not happier about it. Love is a funny thing and this person really mattered to me. 

It doesn’t happen often, that connection I mean. Maybe that’s why it’s so special when it does. Why I put so much of myself into these things and why I usually feel kinda destroyed when it goes bad. I did learn something from it. This break up wasn’t messy but it was confusing. She’s still in my life and apparently she still loves me and wants to see me. It’s strangely like we’re still together. Until I remember we aren’t. Then again reality is often harsh and disturbing and I should deal with it.

I’m tired of losing people who matter to me. And tomorrow work begins again…