This Christmas.

I felt as if this year would be the year things would finally work out boy was I wrong. I’m basically back where I started without a job or a partner. Like the Ouroboros I’ve come full circle and essentially devoured my own tail.
As for my ex: it went out not with a bang but as the embers of a fire would, it slowly died. Lack of communication from her end being the water the doused the flame. Obviously I’m not without fault here but had she spoken to me when it was relevant we’d be happy right now.

The worst of it was the message I recieved as I sat down for my Christmas meal. Before that I was angry but after I couldn’t even eat my food. Again, nothing too dramatic but it cut deep. It read ‘I love you’ and those three words were a knife to the heart.

I’ve had an awful Christmas. I barely drank anything. I barely ate and didn’t so much as smoke a cigarette. You know you’re upset when the heartbreak causes you to forgo a nicotine addiction. I’m upset and I don’t think she’ll come back.

To that end I set about meeting people and I met one. A French Arab girl and things moved quite fast between us. Maybe too fast, I haven’t heard much from her since but I know she won’t forget about me. I’ll hear from her when she’s not busy.

Aside from that there’s the one girl I was talking with before I met my ex. Had things gone well I’d be dating her and I know that for a fact. She has a boyfriend now, she’s cooled down a bit but she’s keeping me around and I know why. That’s a matter of time.

If nothing ever happened between us I’d still be happy to have her as a friend. She’s a good woman and deserves happiness. Probably would have made an amazing girlfriend. She’ll make a man very happy one day.

I’m kinda disgusted with myself at how quickly that happened with the other girl. I feel like I’ve finally become fully steeled to loss. I don’t know how else to explain it but I’m happy to know I’m still marketable. Something kinda weird happened.

You see English girls are not really forward until they’ve consumed enough alcohol to begin the ritual that attracts a mate. Shit, Attenborough should narrate that last sentence… There was a Russian girl with her mother next to me at the lights.

I catch the sight of these beautiful ice blue eyes and assume she’s just looking around but upon looking and glancing away then back again I noticed she wasn’t hearing her mother but looking at me. Suddenly our eyes lock because she realised I was looking back and she gave me the warmest smile.

I should have asked for a number. When your heart is broken you don’t think that way. Still those piercing blue eyes were really something. Again it’s nice to know I’m still marketable.

In the end I spent my Christmas Eve talking to an old friend I met through the creation of this blog, it was nice to catch up. We don’t get to talk so often but I do enjoy talking to him. If he were in the same country as myself we would be hitting the bars. Thanks for the talk mate. I needed that.

I’ve had writer’s block for some time, that and dealing with my relationship problems have stopped me from writing. I was able to write a full post this time so I’m guessing I’m doing better.

I’m still not entirely comfortable with how quickly I’m progressing because I obviously love my ex and I don’t feel it’s fair to hurt another woman because of it. I’m keeping my possibilities open. Or at least I justify it that way. It’s a mixture of loneliness and being a man.

New Years is going to be a party I’m sure. There’s always company on New Years so it’ll be acceptable. It’s the loneliness that bleeds you to death with it cuts you. My modus operandi at the present is surround myself with people, occupy myself with distractions and drink to enjoy not to get buzzed. I don’t need to be emotional right now.

All said it was nice to have family around. I got a games console, two guitars and some army boots. This is the most I’ve recieved since I was 15. It was nice to open something. If she were here, despite the shit we went through it would have been perfect. I play as though I’m alright but yeah it does hurt and I do love her deeply.

I can’t just sit here crying about it however. I’ve been around enough to know that you get upset and try to reconcile and they go with the first dude who gives them the feelies. Usually you get a message six months later stating their regret etc but but then you’re already in a relationship or seeing someone.

This isn’t a fairytale love, I’m not going to sit here and wallow in sadness waiting for Cinderella to come back and claim the glass slipper she smashed across my head. I’d love to have her back but I’m old enough to know that life rarely gives us such graces.

Right now I need a friend. You can keep your soul, I don’t want a soul mate.

Merry Christmas my ass,
-Misanthropist.

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