The moment of clarity.
It’s been a strange few days for me, I’ve had a strange degree of clarity regarding my current situation. Maybe it’s that I haven’t been drinking and my tests came back fine. Maybe it’s because I’m not stressed with a relationship? (I loved her a lot but believe me you have no fucking clue.) I don’t know but I’ve arrived here.
You know the self improvement stage after a relationship ends? The one I probably should have reached months ago? I’m finally there. I don’t know if it’s the sheer amount of caffeine, lack of alcohol or whatever but suddenly I’m hyper aware and hyper-motivated.
That’s probably the reason I’m awake at this hour and still active. I always did enjoy the night. I’ve spent the evening organising my life which I’ll get into in my next post. I’ve been eating a lot healthier and I’m back to smoking the ecig because the financial and health benefits seem like a no brainer.
I miss her, I really do. Every time I see a plane overhead I wonder if she’s on it and I wonder if she thinks about me. Then I steel myself with the assurance that none of it matters. I’ve learned many lessons from that woman, both good and bad. I intend to use them to my advantage.
I’m not sad so much as determined now. I don’t have time for sadness and self pity. To paraphrase Palahnuik:
This is my life and it’s ending one moment at a time.
I’m also noticing other women a lot more, I guess I’m craving physical attention. It’s been a while. I’m mainly focuses on myself and organising this cluster fuck. I’m not looking for a relationship but I’m definitely open to the possibility.
I remembered today that I was always more of a smoker than a drinker. It makes more sense to drink less and buy better alcohol for my enjoyment. I’ve always preferred smoking cannabis. It’s a nicer evening. No stupidity, negative emotions or hangovers. I’m going to smoke more than drink but even that must have limits.
On the subject of drugs, I really miss acid. I really want a woman I can do that sort of thing with, it’s an intense emotional bonding experience. I’m also really getting into black coffee again as a matter of preference.
I’ve found myself a few decent job vacancies I have to apply for this evening. I really need to get off universal credit. As a general rule I would not buy a console or game until such time has passed that all bugs are worked out. Universal credit is still in beta it seems and as you’d expect it is a complete cluster fuck.
I need to get off it as soon as possible. In short, I’m doing much better. This moment of clarity was absolutely vital. I’m enjoying sobriety, this is going to have to be a regular occurance. Vice is vice but it must be controlled, I really don’t feel comfortable with the concept of becoming a complete wastrel.