Nada dura para sempre
It ended last night, when I let go. As all things do. There’s a strange sense of calm now, solace but without the sadness. I’m cold now, as calculated and reptilian as it is, sometimes you just have to cut a person from your life.
We had a conversation recently where we seemed to have reconciled our differences, she wanted to come back. Holding the bear I gave her, wearing the ring, she told me she loved me. Then nothing, now the way my mind works is usually by recognising patterns of behaviour.
A general rule of mine is that if somebody breaks a pattern something is wrong. The problem here lies in the fact that I had no pattern to observe, until yesterday. She hadn’t answered my messages in a week. She also forgot how well I know her. It’s easier to see someone for who they are when your rosey tinted lenses crack.
Something wasn’t right, she had blocked me from Facebook after an argument we had but she also friended half of the people I know. You may not agree with my methodology but if you give a hound a scent why would you be surprised when he follows it. I went with my gut and I was correct.
Now just to clarify, I had asked her directly many times and she never answered, if she had we might be friends. People frustrate me, I always stress honesty with a partner and she knows this. I have also spent six months of my life trying to fix what was broken, what is broken. Some things you can’t fix.
I don’t know why you would string someone along for that amount of time if you really don’t care, is it malice? Cowardice? I don’t know. No me importa nada mas. I’m a terrible person for looking but you come to a point where you have to know. I chase answers, especially when they are important.
I want to stress that I’ve wasted so much of my life, my time and my emotional capital that looking was a necessary step. I’m sure she wouldn’t have told me and kept me waiting for a while to tell me. After all I’ve been through with her at the expense of my own well being I came to realise our relationship had to be terminated, it’s a shame because I loved her a lot.
And to think she would let me waste a train ticket to Paris to see her, without being fully honest with me. I never wanted to go to Paris anyway. I saved money and avoided a trip I didn’t want to take, so there’s that. It’s sad to think really, she’ll go through life burning through people. Now I know why she said people always leave her alone in the end.
I had to get that off my chest, I really did care and it has affected me. At one point I loved her very much.
Some things are for the best.