Tedium, unemployment, drugs and other fun.
I’ve not wrote anything in a while because I’ve been dealing with a lot of shit. Nothing new, I shovel enough shit I should be a farmhand. I’m not a happy individual as usual. I’m still looking for work. I’ve had three jobs fall through. I got them all but something went wrong each time. Murphy’s law at work.
So I’ve been forced to take unemployment. Here’s where it gets interesting… Someone in the government, between molesting children, had a brainwave and decided on something called universal credit. It seems like a great idea until you consider I’m applying early August and not getting paid till mid September.
I’m lucky my boarding is so stable, what about people who aren’t so lucky? Sure fire way to fuck people’s lives up. This has just added more complications to what is already a clusterfuck. I need to make some money.
I can’t say I’ve ever looked in the mirror and hated my physical appearance before, I know I’m not a bad looking guy but I can’t help feeling disgusted with myself when I look into a mirror. That and my interpersonal relationship with the lovely woman in my life has slightly improved. Doesn’t make it any better. It’s still shit.
Only good news is I still have a relatively decent stash of weed and a few beers left. I’m going to have to stop drinking and smoking. I have bills, at this point it’s not a choice anymore. Things need done. From here I succeed or fail.
I just really want to be happy again, you know? Nothing seems to be going right and at this point in time I don’t really have a plan to improve it. I just want to use the spare time from my unemployment to finish tasks around the house. That and I’m back to cooking and cleaning.
I miss having a woman in my life, sharing a bed. Her cooking and the rest. I miss being happy. Not chemically happy due to drugs and alcohol. Sometimes it feels like that’s all I can do in London. I spend my time stuck in tedium. Somewhere down the road I lost my passions.
I need to read again, learn, advance and give myself something to do so the tedium doesn’t drive me to madness. I really don’t deal with it very well. I feel like I need a purpose. Right now I feel bored, broken and useless.
This is my life. Tedium suspended, swinging like a pendulum in slow motion from one day to the next and it never gets easier.