A walking study in Demonology.

Alcohol can induce the strangest dreams or simply put I drank too much last night while trying not to dwell on what might have been. I must focus only on what is ahead, if one spends too long looking back they may never move forward. It’s funny though, the power of memories to bring back pain and remind you of your mistakes. Love letters read like obituaries and photo albums become books of the dead, whoever said time heals wounds probably lied. I wonder why I let it bother me, it has happened before and it will happen again. I’m nomadic socially speaking, when the earth is salted I pick up and move on but something keeps me lingering. I’ve moved away from the ashes of what was because no tear ever put out a fire but I can’t seem to help looking back at the smoke.

A friend of mine told me I had to learn to love myself. I usually let other people do that for me because if I took a moment to examine myself I won’t find much to my liking. Dissecting myself serves little purpose. I’ll take her advice though, clean up, dress well and hit the street with narcissus’ smile. I can at least look good if I’m going to hate myself right? It has really hit me lately just how badly I’ve fucked up, not just because my relationship went to shit but all the things I’ve screwed up along the way, all for love. I have to laugh at how stupid I’ve been over the years because If I didn’t I’d probably be embarrassed. I’ve lived a lifestyle of simplicity on par with a Buddhist monk, if only I were so pure.

I once found joy in the simple things, the heat of the sun, walking and the warmth of another beside myself in bed at the end of the day. First it giveth I guess. I need something more now, an outlet, a purpose. Something to help me carry on. I live a rather empty life you see. To paraphrase someone I know, I’m very much off the reservation at this point, for a while there I had myself fooled. I thought I’d found a home, in a person. I was wrong and for that mistake I have suffered and will continue to suffer for some time. I take a look at my life sometimes and think of the punishment dealt to Sisyphus, I’m doomed to roll that boulder up hill time and time again only to watch it roll back down just as I reach the top of the mountain I climb.

Like Sisyphus I am bound to this hell.


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