The dating profile of a misanthrope
Recently somebody years younger than me recommended internet dating sites. ‘Something, something Plenty of Fish’ he said, and ‘plenty of weirdos’ I replied.
I’ve heard a few older friends say it’s a good way to meet people too. It find it strange that people younger than me are resorting to dating sites to meet people. I expect that from older people with kids, jobs and schedules but not someone barely 18. I find it all quite funny because I’ve been there, done it and got the T-shirt. That said it never felt like online dating, I was young and it just kinda happened. Most days I’m glad it did. Someone told me not to be bitter, see, I’m working on it! It’s rare to instantly click with someone and I get the feeling it’ll be a long while before it happens again but I’m open to the idea of it. Anyway, there is a decent variety of websites available for Romeo or Juliet including Match, Okay Cupid and Plenty of Fish.
I actually cringe as I write down the names of those websites, the very thought of using such a platform kinda smells like defeat to me. I’m pretty sure I can market myself. There is a market for everything, that said, I love how these sites market themselves with ‘complex algorithms’ and matching you to people with similar views and interests. Doesn’t that take all the fun out of meeting someone and then realizing that they are a total dick. I can identify a total dick on my own in record time and with a greater degree of accuracy, it is something that I’m very proud of.
If I were going to entertain this idea, what would I even write in a profile. Find a nice photograph of myself? my hobbies? What I do for a living? I can’t believe some of the questions these sites ask, I stare blankly at the screen thinking ‘is this real life.’ How much of myself do I actually have to include in these profiles, probably more than I’m comfortable with. I seriously wouldn’t know where to start. I’d rather just meet people the old-fashioned way. I’m probably just old-fashioned. Yes I hold doors open for people and say thank you and please. I was brought up not dragged up.
If I put my interests: Philosophy, biology, psychology, anthropology, chemistry, medicine, guitar, writing etc I just end up sounding like a douche. If I write drinking, smoking, walks and other activities to that effect I sound like a pleb. How do you balance it out? Another thing I don’t get: You’re going to a place where everybody lies about something as a general rule and yet you expect to find a genuine person? You’re doing it wrong son. For argument’s sake I could just try to be honest and see where that gets me.
I’m a 6ft tall, blonde, blue-eyed man. I pride myself on honesty and principle. I am currently unemployed and there wasn’t a low enough category to put my earnings in. My interests include not wanting to talk about your ex, drinking coffee, reading, traveling, warning you that guy is a douche and then telling you I told you so after you’ve decided not to listen. I like drinking with friends, smoking, arguing with stupid people for kicks. I’m a fan of talking for hours on end, being alone with someone whose company I enjoy. Did I mention doing it? My reviews are great. I’m a simple man really, quite easily pleased. I don’t need extravagant gifts, in fact the greatest gift you can give me is honesty. I’m also cool with animals, I’ll probably like your cat or dog more than your friends or parents. Nothing personal.
We don’t have to share interests but it would be nice. I’m an equal opportunity employer which basically means it doesn’t matter to me where you’re from or how much you earn. All the women I’ve been involved with have had something special about them, they’re intelligent, talented, funny etc It could be anything really but there’s always something about her that catches my eye or ear. Generally speaking your appeal has to extend beyond the physical but a beautiful smile and a nice ass always helps. I think to many people I seem insensitive but that’s because I don’t like to share much of myself with others but when I do find a girl I like in that capacity I can be very affectionate and apparently that’s a good thing. I keep so much of myself closed off that I think I forgot how to be affectionate at one point. Slightly off-topic: Another thing I don’t get is cheating, it’s wrong, if you cheat on an SO you are an asshole. No exceptions. Guys and girls, if you’re going to cheat just leave.
I’m not even sure how one would date, I mean I can cook, we could talk over some wine and watch some Attenborough. Alternatively we could just get stoned together, who said romance was dead? I’m not big on going out maybe that is because I generally hate people or it could be because I’ve found no place that I’d want to spend more than an hour in. Come to think of it, it’s probably safer to meet a total stranger in a public place than it is to invite them to your house. My home is my castle, you abuse it, my animals or anything in it I will collect your fucking head and place it on a spike outside to deter any other weirdos, the postman and/or Jehovah’s witnesses. Might not work on the police though. I should skip decapitation and just release the hounds, my dog can earn her keep.
The whole idea of using a dating site just seems stupid to me. I don’t mean that as an insult to anyone who uses them or has met an SO on an online dating site. You’re a braver man/woman than I. Just take a second to think about what these websites would be like if people actually told the truth, they would probably resemble the above image at best. It’s something I can never see myself doing but it would provide for some comical writing material. Looking through potential matches would be fun, disregard the fact that I like a woman with a brain for just a moment. I can imagine how it would go. Right you’re an attractive girl, no child in sight, why are you on a dating site? Something isn’t right, just how crazy are you? I ruled out attractive professional females because if you’re an attractive professional female what the fuck are you doing talking to me?
The world of online dating just sounds like a clusterfuck to me, how can I even begin to trust someone who has been dishonest from the get-go? Where can I find a pretty girl who isn’t an idiot and hates everything and everyone as much as I do?
I’ll pass, thanks.