No one loves me and neither do I.

I’m feeling kinda raw I guess, a friend recently said to me ‘if you’re gonna let a girl from the Midwest do you in then you’re not much.’ Sometimes someone giving you crap can snap you out of a slump. It made me laugh I’ll give him that. If you don’t laugh then you’ll cry someone once said to me. There’s a big part of me that really misses her but I was destructive recently and said some things I’m not proud of in a moment of pure rage. I’ll tell you for nothing that when I’m angry you have never seen such a relentless prick. What can I say I’m a bad person. A hurt, bad person. Safe to say I feel like crap, not for what I said because it was all warranted but because I’ve lost a best friend and someone I loved with all my heart. I think this is mourning, when the anger subsides and all you have left is that empty feeling. So here I am alone in London.

Guess what Holiday is coming up? Yup the one where you confess your feelings and affections to the  woman or man or asexual reptilian from the fifth dimension, of your choice. What wonderful timing the world seems to have. For some people it’s a nice day and for others it’s a disappointment or  just plain awful. Personally I believe you should be showing someone you love them every day. It doesn’t have to be with flowers or chocolates or crappy hallmark holiday cards. The words ‘I love you’ are nice but I’d rather, and rather have someone else, express love through actions. It’s just more meaningful to me. If a person can fake sincerity they can fake anything. I’ve hardened myself to it all to the point where the thought of me falling for another person makes me feel kinda pathetic.

I’ve decided to go to a party on Valentines day, I’ll probably get drunk and smoke before I go because I’m not expecting this party to be much, it’s in a shitty part of town so I should fit right in. Usual mode of operation, walk down the street and stare at the people hanging around so they know you’re not a lightweight. In certain parts avoiding eye contact with people marks you off as an easy target. I’m hoping maybe I can meet some people in general. As you’re aware I don’t have many friends nowadays so the more people I get to know the better. Where better to start than a random party? I’m just seeing if I can make the best of a shitty situation. I’ve started to notice the looks I’m getting from women, maybe it’s the haircut or that I’m generally dressing better and looking after myself now. Look better, feel better right? That’s what I’m hoping at least.

I’m forcing myself to be social even though I want to retreat from the war room back into the fortress of solitude. I’m a burrito of sadness, what can I say.



2 Responses to “No one loves me and neither do I.”

  1. be you. i wish i had a friend to say a tldr to me. but w/e. BE YOU AT THE PARTY.

  2. All I can be is me, I was about to say ‘If I was being myself I’d avoid it entirely.’ Alas, I cannot afford to be anti-social at this time.

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