I survive, I speak, I breathe. I’m incomplete.
To be vulnerable is needed most of all if you intend to truly fall apart.
I’m not going to lie and say I’m as strong as I used to be. This last year has taken a great toll on me. There are moments where I’ve been on the edge. I’ve been to dark places. One thing that really helps me in my situation is that most people would buckle, crushed under the weight of their mistakes. Haunted by the fact that they can never go back. The ghost is afraid of it’s own shadow. There’s something in me that wasn’t there before or is it something missing? I haven’t looked at myself for so long that I don’t know who I am anymore. There are times when I lived my life on autopilot but I wasn’t there, I wasn’t driving. Until this year I never knew what it was to truly fall apart. Once you’ve come to that point going back doesn’t seem like an option but it is always an option. I spent so long holding on that my demons damn near killed me. I am not the same person as I was a year ago. Sometimes I wonder if I’m becoming everything I ever hated or maybe I always was.
I’ve managed to keep it together, only barely. I’ve been a man with a single objective for a large part of my life. So long that the objective became my reason to carry on. A light in the dark. That, however, is my own fault. At it’s best my this objective has given me new outlooks, good friends and a soul mate. For a while I was to some people, a good friend, son, brother and fiancee. When you fuck up an image of perfection some people will just never see you the same. Ever feel like everything you cherished is slowly dying or gone? It is the worst feeling in the world. I lost a best friend, a fiancee and much more. I’ve got some of it back but I do fear she may never see me the same again.
Where’s this going to? Can I follow through or just follow you for a while?
That’s how I feel. I don’t know where anything is going anymore. I’m not certain. I’d go as far as to say I’m weak. Weaker than I’ve ever been. Physically fitter and stronger than ever before but mentally speaking I’m weak and there’s a hole in me I don’t think she’s seen. I just hope she knows that I don’t blame her and that I love her. No matter how this goes.
Does anyone ever get this right?