The ghost is haunted by its own shadow.

That is such a beautiful sentence. It isn’t often that I find beauty in the world. It is also a very apt sentence. I think it accurately sums up the past year of my life. A ghost haunted by my own shadow. A lot has changed in the last year. Things have just started turning around for me but even now there are so many goals I have yet to achieve. I can’t waste any longer on the past. Let things that don’t matter truly slide. Put the past behind me and get my ass into gear. Despite the stress I guess I’m in a better position than I’ve ever been before. Although when I think about it, it doesn’t seem like I’ve come very far and it has been hell getting here. A little progress is better than none. I have a long way to go.

When I examine the myriad of problems in my life there are two that really bother me, the first is none of your damn business but thanks for the concern. What I will say is the situation is improving slowly but surely.  The second one is an issue for me. I remember a time when I was extremely perceptive and I’d say more intelligent that I am right now. I guess it’s like any muscle, if you don’t use it you lose it. I think I can improve it. A simple meeting showed me I still have the gift. I think I’m just going to have to focus more and use it more often. It isn’t serious but it bothers me that I’m not as sharp as I used to be. Maybe if I were I’d be somewhere right now. That’s my own fault really.

I think during that time I always observed any group of people as an outsider because I felt like an outsider, I think that helped me a lot at the time. Then during my journey to America it was the first time I’ve ever felt that happy and contented. I think it was also the first time I felt genuinely accepted. That time was a growing period for me. I’d reached a happy medium where I wanted to socialize but didn’t give a fuck either way. It was nice. Why am I just not interested in meeting new people where I live? I don’t think everyone who lives here is an idiot but there’s a massive majority. When trouble started for me I think I lost that medium. I haven’t really regained it since.

I just can’t find anyone I want to know. Then again work has provided me with a steady stream of new people, most of them are cool people who I’m happy to work beside. I even have my own newbie. I’m fair I saved his ass a few times today because mistakes can cause you to lose your job there. People did the same for me when I started so I guess I’m paying that forward. I’m not one for karma or any of that what comes around goes around stuff, even if it does sometimes seem to be true. Work is abysmal sometimes but it does have a few very slight perks which I take advantage of. It’s nice to be in a position where your job doesn’t really matter to you.

If they fired me tomorrow I’d just thank them for freeing me. I’d miss the money and I’d miss some of the people but other than that I can take or leave it. That’s a bold statement for someone who took so long to find a job. My attitude sucks I am aware of that much but they don’t play by the rules so why should I. At the end of the day I’m doing a job for them, it is getting done on time and correctly. I’m not at fault. The cycle is broken now I can find another job. I don’t care what people say about very few jobs being out there. Once your foot is in the door you’re in the game. It just takes a lot of luck/work and sometimes a little deception to get there. The worst part is none of that should be necessary but welcome the world we live in…

I lost a good friend just over a year ago and the worst part is when someone refuses to communicate with you and yet stays on the fringe of your life. I can’t pretend he isn’t there, I almost never see him but when I do he acts like I’d resort to hitting him or physically attacking him. Then again he is paranoid. I think by now he knows I wouldn’t. He was like a little brother to me. It sucks sometimes but I’m over it, I have other friends. Maybe I haven’t known them as much but despite their faults and mine they’re still around.  If you read back you’ll probably see that it was just one blow after another.

The break up I went through was hard, what’s strange is we’re back together now. It’s a good thing because you don’t meet someone you’re that well matched with very often. She’s been in my life for a long time. I’m no longer afraid of losing her because I already did and she came back. I hate to sound like an ass but I think I knew she would. Another thing, it isn’t familiarity that makes me happy to have her back. I just love her. She hurt me, she got me pretty good actually and she’s living with that now. I don’t try to make her suffer but I do wish she’d been on the other end. Maybe then she’d completely understand. Despite all that happened between us I love her. Even if she didn’t come back I think a part of me always would. To love a person when you hate most of them is a big leap. At least for me.

I think maybe I’m going to need to adapt to all these changes in my life and make more changes. I feel like this is the first step up the ladder. I wouldn’t say I’m worried about the future but I have a lot of thinking and planning to do. Finally on this blog, I think this blog must evolve to, it too must adapt. I don’t know what shape or form this blog will take but when I get some time I want to work on this place and get some decent material posted because lately I haven’t had it in me. I’m either preoccupied or sleeping. I hate having less time to myself. I’ve been messing with the idea of self employment in the future. We’ll see how it goes.

I don’t know if anyone here is aware but Andy Fox has decided to discontinue Misanthropy Today. Probably something to do with him getting on and having children, a job and a life to worry about among other things. His posts over on MT inspired me to start this place. There are clear differences between us if you haven’t noticed. I will say I’m kinda sad to see it go. There was nothing like checking that place every now and then to see if anything was posted. If anyone does go out by California do me a favor and annoy the fuck out of grandpa Foxy for me and maybe he’ll post again… I’ll give you free T-shirts…

A final thing just came to mind. I remember when I used to make jokes about how there was only 3 of you, at one point that was probably true but my readership has definitely grown and in the last year a few of you have even made contact with me. I didn’t expect that. Then again I didn’t expect anyone to find this place interesting. Expect the unexpected and all that noise. Thanks for reading, there will be more to read soon. I promise you that much. I can’t believe I’m still awake after having worked a long shift and 2hrs of sleep. It is nothing short of a miracle I am awake right now.



Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: