Damn near a year ago and I’m just getting off that plane…
It’s no secret that the last year has sucked for me, lost my fiancée, best friend, cat and motivation. 2013 will always be remembered as the worst year of my life so far. I mean one day it’ll seem like nothing and I’ll look back and laugh at what an idiot I was for saying this because something far worse will have happened to me by then. I haven’t really written anything in a while due to the sheer amount of shit I’ve had to deal with in the past few weeks, that all seems unimportant when I consider that me and my ex are currently trying to work things out between us. It’s obvious we love one another a lot and maybe it was the added stress of not seeing one another for so long that really fucked things up for us. All I know is that its a slow process but wounds are beginning to heal. So yeah, I’ve had at least one bit of good luck.
Unfortunately my life is a fucked up web of complications that seems to constantly hinder any progress I might make. I’m not really here to bitch about it, I have clothes on my back, shelter and food to eat so I can’t really complain too much. It’s funny how after a year London still seems so alien and hostile to me. I imagine I’ve been through some sort of institutionalization where I’ll never fully get used to being back in London or the way we live here. To be honest I fucking hate it here. Samuel Johnson once said ”when a man is tired of London he is tired of life.”
I think that is bullshit, I submit to you that there is no life in London unless you were born into some kind of money or your family earns a decent living. For those of us on the bottom of the ladder life is hell. Solace and arrears. One day, no matter the outcome of the next few years, I will leave this place and never look back.
I realized that more than anything I enjoy travel, every single time I’ve traveled I’ve felt free and at my happiest. It really doesn’t matter where I am as long as it isn’t London or England in general really. The thing that really sucks for me is that for as long as I can remember I’ve been in love with this girl who lives so far away from me its ridiculous, things have been less than ideal but the way I feel about her and the way she makes me feel keeps me coming back for more. It’s funny how love can make you travel three thousand miles, disregard everything and blindly pursue happiness. Since I got back to this place I’ve been unable to find employment, much less employment that will give me enough time off that I can go be with her. I’ll admit I’m stuck. I have no idea what to do. I’ve been lost for the better part of a year, desperately wandering, delirious trying to find my way back to her.
Without a job I’ve lived an existence that a Buddhist monk would be proud of. I own very little: 2 guitars, an amp, a television and an Xbox. That is the extent of my worldly possessions. I need a way out of this slump, unemployment sucks. It’s hard to find a job at the moment, even harder to find a decent one. I’ve toyed with the idea of working for myself or working freelance but what the hell would I do? I have no idea. If you have any ideas please submit them because I’m clueless at what I could/should do for a living. In the words of the joker ” Do I look like a man with a plan?”
I don’t live the worst life but it’s definitely hellish, not only am I unemployed but my mother doesn’t make much money past paying the bills so we’re always living from paycheck to paycheck which sucks when those paychecks are a month apart. I’m still dazed from the break up/unexpected attempt to rekindle our relationship and I’m generally confused about what will come next. I’ll go as far as to admit that I’m pretty afraid of what the future holds for me, if anything at all. I have a general plan which I’ve had since I was a boy, marry the girl I love, be with her, start a family of my own, build a new life on distant shores and a better life than I’ll ever experience in London.
One of the worst feelings in the world is going from loving every single moment of your day to hating all of it because you’re alone and stuck with no way out of the shitty situation you find yourself in. Going from enjoying Japanese food with the woman you love to eating some shit you threw together at whatever time at night. Going from an exotic model to being another face in the crowd. All of these things and more add to the hopelessness I feel day-to-day. She suggested to me doing something like a couple on tumblr did where people donated toward their trip but alas I’m too damn proud and slightly uncomfortable with having my life on display for all to see. Don’t get me wrong I’m not shy but something about using my personal life and problems to beg for money doesn’t sit well with me. I’d rather take a walk out back and shoot myself in the head. Why the fuck did I have to be a man of principles?
I guess it just hit me that I don’t have a single fucking clue about making money… or anything really. Feels bad man. I just want to see her again.