It’s about time I was honest with you.
I’ve been going through a fucking rough time lately which is why I’ve hardly posted a thing, life has gone from bad to worse and I am at the bottom of the barrel here. I’m tired, so fucking tired. It’s a joke that just isn’t funny anymore but apparently its my life. I’m just playing the hand I’ve been dealt. The most horrible feeling in the world is when everything is out of your control. Not that I need to control everything, I just want to be in control of my own life. I don’t have that right now. All the decisions are out of my hands.
The first thing is that the woman in my life has left me, she said something about working on us but I was lead to believe that working on a relationship requires, you know, work or something?
It went to shit in the most classic way, I’m not innocent. I said things to her that nobody should say to somebody they love, it wasn’t anything too terrible. Harsh words more than anything, all true but harsh all the same. It doesn’t matter anymore. Its done and I can’t take it back. My smart mouth finally fucked me over. Truth is I deserve some of what I got but not all of it. When I take aim at someone I’m terribly accurate. Who knew I’d be shooting myself in the foot?
I’m sure I posted about this, maybe I should take my own advice as some smart mouthed motherfucker suggested to me a while back. It may have pissed me off at the time but I’m thinking maybe that prick had some sage wisdom for me and I just didn’t see it. Oh well. Well played sir, well played…
The second thing. My cat passed away about two days ago she was kinda dazed which was when I noticed something was wrong, after a quick examination I noticed her rectum had prolapsed. Pretty nasty. I tried to correct it non surgically but it was so inflamed I couldn’t put it back in. Gloves, Vaseline, the works but I couldn’t correct it. I didn’t want to perforate anything because when bodily waste leaks into the blood stream it causes septicemia. Not a good way to die. Anyways we took her to a vet who wanted around six hundred, I don’t have that kind of money and her reply to that was ‘she’s in shock so we’ll have to put her down, that’ll be a hundred.”
Apparently 100 is the price of compassion, my sister took her to another vet who said that there was no reason to euthanize her but she was in shock and needed to be operated on. All seemed to be going well until they called us to say that she wasn’t eating. I suggested they feed her the only food that she eats and she seemed to improve. Then we got a call that she passed in the night. It sucks but at least she isn’t suffering anymore.
As if things couldn’t get any worse… they did.
How am I dealing with it?
Copious amounts of alcohol and smoking, being social and other things. None of it really helps but coping is coping I guess, no matter how destructive or retarded it is. Things change, that doesn’t mean they get better.