The Green Fairy

Tonight I’ve been drinking, not really a surprise. I’m in the USA again. I never get tired of this place. The only difference this time is that I am baby sitting my best friend who came along for 10 days, he’s a very good friend of mine and probably my only true friend. We’ve known each other since aged six when I decided that the people who were bullying him were assholes. As I’ve said before I am a bigger asshole and I saw to it that he wasn’t bullied again, the only way I knew how. A fist to the head.

You see my father was a bad man in many respects. Nothing monstrous but still a bad man. He taught me an extremely valuable lesson as a young boy. I came home one day crying because I’d been bullied, I told my old man about the incidents and you know what he did?
He hit me, his logic was that if I let anyone push me around he could too. He said that ‘if you’re going to let him hit you why can’t I?’
He kept slapping my face until I snapped and hit him back and then he said to me ‘ Next time somebody tries to hit you, that’s what you have to do.’

He then slapped me once more for disrespecting my elders. He reasoned that if someone were bullying me then I was given mandate to do whatever it took to defend myself. I defended myself and made a mess of my bully and nobody ever fucked with me again. I wonder to this day if he was a good parent or a sociopath, sometimes I wonder If I am a sociopath too. He told my teachers that if they weren’t going to protect me then both he and myself could not be responsible for what I did in self-defense. I got away without consequence and through pain and suffering learned my most valuable life lesson. He may have been a bad father but he was a good teacher.

Anyway life story aside, I’m enjoying my trip but I’m not enjoying looking after my friend and ‘little brother’ he isn’t an idiot just very awkward. He makes the smallest thing awkward and I must say when he held a gun today for the first time in his life I have never been more on edge. I expected him to accidentally shoot someone. My littleĀ  brother had Hydrocephalus which is a build up of fluid in his skull causing his brain to be crushed and nerve damage causing tremors in his hands, this was the result of a cyst on his brain prevent the drainage of CSF from his skull. Long story short If they hadn’t caught it in the next few months it could have killed him. Good times.

He decided it’d be a good idea to purchase 110% absinthe from a liquor store and some honey Jack Daniels which we don’t have in England. Needless to say we’ve drank all of it. My writing is surprisingly easy to follow considering I’m pretty drunk I must say I’m proud of myself. Anyway besides being drunk off my ass I have a pretty high level of clarity making me realize that I didn’t want to look after his ass the whole trip but we’re bros so I’m glad he came. Truth be told I wouldn’t be here without him. It’s guy love. We have a Bromance.

It’s funny how absinthe can take you back and make you remember all the not so fond memories like that life lesson your old man taught you, how close your best friend was to dying and how your mother hates you for the stupidest reason known to man. What’s even funnier is how a sweet glass of Jack asks you why you should even care. Truth is I don’t care. He is here, my old man is gone and my mother is just another obstacle to overcome. I’m wondering whether I should just move out to save her the trouble of kicking me out. That said I need to rent a room somewhere. Whatever way I look at the situation I need to make changes in order to make life more bearable and to make my relationship more functional.

I need to find jobs that I can dip in and out of when I please. Being self-employed would be best but I doubt I’ll find a job that offers self employment and a high enough wage to live comfortably. If anyone has any ideas let me know because I can’t seem to think of anything. I shouldn’t drink, it makes me thing and the more I think the more I hate my parents and my life in general. Don’t get me wrong it could be worse but it’s far from good. The more I think about it, it’s the people in my life that make it worse. One in particular really. If I become more self-sufficient then all my problems are solved except the financial ones. I will end up needing large sums to support myself. The only positive thing being that I don’t have debts. I’m starting at zero not minus.

I started out with nothing and I’ve still got most of it left. And people wonder why I’m so fucked up…
Misanthropist.

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