Here’s the update you were promised.
As you guys know I’m in a strange situation, my life is almost like a TV show. The things I’ve seen and done would take too long to chronicle. I happen to be with a woman who lives thousands of miles away from me.
Lately we’ve been arguing, not seeing one another and communications between us have been pretty bad. When I’ve not be pre-occupied with arguing I’ve been hitting the bottle like a trooper. It may not be right but It’s better than bitching and moaning. I understand that men drink when they’re sad. I was very sad. We nearly broke up to be honest. She says she wasn’t close to it but from what I’ve seen and heard she was pretty close to leaving. I can never turn down a good argument.
My mother always told me never to put all my eggs in one basket, she’s always told me that but I did again and again. Now I know what she means. I sent my friends away to be with her and now they do not come around anymore and she’s busy with her friends so I’ve decided to start going out more, even if it pisses her off. I just can’t wait around indoors alone all day. I need to be more independent from now on. I need to have my own life again, separate from my relationship. I knew I always kept that separation for a reason and I was a fool to believe otherwise.
I have to make myself happy and not rely on others to make myself happy. I’ve considered drugs, alcohol works temporarily. I need a social life again, a hobby. I suppose what I’ve learned from this that people, even those you love, care for themselves at the end of the day. No matter how hard you try you’ll always be second to them and their needs. Equality within relationships cannot exist.
I sent my friends away, hers came back and I am left alone in my hole with a bottle to make me feel better. Things are slightly better but I’ll be surprised if anything changes. Our relationship is still dead in the water, I can’t change that. She is the only one who can change that. Our whole dynamic has changed because of two days of arguing. Maybe our relationship isn’t as strong as I first thought. If things stay the same between us I dread to think of what the future holds.
She told me some home truths and I did the same. I’m not as great to her as I thought but I doubt she’ll acknowledge my points as anything other than ridiculous any time soon. Maybe by that time It’ll be too late. If nothing has changed by tonight I think I’ll have my answer. She hates me for disappearing on her years ago, she said she forgave me but I don’t think she ever really did. The resentment is always there and she’s quick to remind me of my mistakes. It’d be great if she’d take time to acknowledge her own. She told me I’m blaming her for everything, which I acknowledged. I was angry. She has yet to admit her own wrongs.
I wonder if writing this is going to cause shit, it shouldn’t but there’s always the chance. Through all my bitching and moaning I just want us to be okay. I want to feel the same as I did before. I want us to communicate like we did. I just want everything to be okay and if it isn’t I’m going to be pretty determined to destroy myself. After all when you count on one person for everything you ever wanted or needed it’s going to bad eventually.
This is either going to change or I’m already on a long slow goodbye.
Only time will tell.