A thank you.

I’ve known her for many years now, it’s been a long time but when I look at it, it doesn’t seem that long at all. All of us have someone who has always been there. Through the years I’ll admit I’ve been a tough act to follow. That just makes me respect her even more. I’m difficult, that’s a known fact. She never gave up on me, a lot of people have. I get everything I need from her. She’s also the only person I couldn’t ever bring myself to hate. The one person I don’t find fault with. Nobody is perfect but she’s close. In a world where a lot is wrong she’s always been right. Right for me.

All of this certainty allows me to care even less about the day-to-day crap. I have a plan, a whole life ahead of me. I have no idea where it’ll take me but I know I’m not stuck. I was stuck before. Being stuck is like being at a lock-in at a dive bar. You’re there with a group of people you don’t particularly care for or want to be around. All you can do is sit and get drunk. Monotony is the music, it’s a prison you can leave at any time but you enjoy the music and you’re drunk on your sorrow. Only after someone snaps you out of it do you realize that you’ve been dancing to the same song all along. I’ve been in a rut before. She kicked my ass back to reality, I confronted my problems that I was intent on avoiding. When you get a reality check you’re forced to confront everything you’re trying to avoid. When you realize that you’ve loved someone since you met them and it’s on the table, it is time to make a decision.

I made my decision and I’m better off for it. It set in motion a chain of events that would force me to rethink my decisions and my actions. In all it gave me motivation to do something with my life at a time when I had none. I’d say I’m a complex individual, it’s hard enough to become my friend or even get to know me let alone getting into my head and knowing me like she does. I have walls, they’re there for a reason. You have to traverse a great wall of china before being close to getting to know me. This is mainly because I don’t like people, they’re trouble and I’d rather avoid them and everything that comes with them. I’d never come across someone who acted without an agenda. It was completely disarming.

We’re both stubborn as fuck. When we first met we’d have to extract information from each other, like a game and when one would eventually get the other to talk about what was wrong we both felt better for it. I never wanted to see her suffer and if she did it bothered the crap out of me. For the first time in my life making someone feel better made me happy. Honestly I never knew what love was until recently. I’d never loved or been loved so I was naive. I hurt her sometimes. I am far from perfect, ‘fucked up’ has been thrown around more than once. I wouldn’t say I’m fucked up. I just refuse to tolerate people and I see things for what they are. I don’t make excuses for people. It is what it is, nothing more.

Hurting someone you love isn’t something that comes back to you straight away, it gets you later. I still pay for it now sometimes. I regret my actions. I was never unfaithful just somewhat absentee. So wrapped up in my own problems I didn’t realize what I had. She stuck around which I’m forever grateful for. I’m an asshole now, growing up I was a mega-asshole. I am sorry for that. She has always made me happy, been there for me when I needed her and loved me unconditionally, for that I consider myself blessed and extremely grateful.

I never believed you could suddenly fall for someone, you might meet one person in your entire life who you just click with, like puzzle pieces. I never believed there was such thing as a good person, or that love could be without conditions. She’s shown me that there is an exception to every rule. I’ve learned more from her than any class, any painful experience. I love her even more for that. Maybe it’s misanthropy but I am loyal to her because I love her, there isn’t going to be another her and I realize I’m luck to have her. Her personality allows me to avoid many common relationship problems. I listen to my friends, when I’m not drowning them out, talking about their relationship problems. Things I’ve never had to deal with, solved by honesty and not being retarded.

I’ve got a lot to thank her for, it’s been many years, she’s always been with me and I’m always going to keep her around. She got past every defence, my tendency to push people away and she earned my full trust which is something yet to be achieved by any other person I have met. I do not need anything in the world as long as I have her. I’ve grown a lot in the last few years, she may or may not know that she was the catalyst of change. I owe her, more than she’ll ever know. I love her and I’ll always love her. She’s an amazing girlfriend and much more. Thanks for everything. I’ve been far from perfect but she’s always loved me, cared about me and respected me, showing a devotion that I never thought possible.

Misanthropist.

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