AM hates: 5th November
I hate, no, have always hated November 5th. In merry old England it is known as Guy Fawkes night, bonfire night, firework night or whatever other crappy name people want to call it by. Being in the USA I don’t have to worry about it this year, though I might as well tell you why I hate it so much.
A) I was born with super sensitive hearing which has its perks but sucks when your parents insist on sitting you less that 500 meters away from a huge display that physically hurts your ears every time a single firework goes off. What pisses me off more is that my parents insisted I was a wuss, not that little 5 year old me cried out of sheer pain or anything. God people are fucking idiots. Which brings me to our next point.
B) Idiots, there’s lots of them the world over and they all have one thing in common, they’re attracted to pretty colors and explosions. In my day I’ve had a few fireworks launched at me, I dived into a friends porch and as soon as that thing exploded I set about the pleasurable task of beating seven shades of shit out of that asshole. I honestly believe you should have an I.Q. test before being allowed to purchase fireworks.
C) The history, kids these days either aren’t aware of it or don’t care, I’m a sucker for history so it really grates me that people don’t know this. I wonder what would have happened if Mr Fawkes had succeeded in his plot! Would England be a better place for it? Let’s face it the queen has been reduced to a tourist attraction, not that I’m a monarchist or anything but parliament aren’t exactly doing a great job, whichever idiot we choose we’re going to get screwed.
D) Fireworks are sure to go off for seven days after said event. I enjoy the colors and I love a good party around a bonfire but these idiots take it to new extremes when they let off fireworks at 1 or 2am. I don’t sleep much but when I want to sleep I enjoy not being woken up by loud bangs and idiots shouting.
E) The casualties, every year some one gets blown up usually through sheer stupidity which is pretty funny but when someone’s child or pet gets blown up by an idiot it is less funny for all involved. Another thing is when some kid gets burned because their idiot parents let them play with a sparkler also property damage sucks, peoples cars get lit like a roman candle and something always gets burned down.
F) Fireworks send my pets crazy, the dog wants to kill them which is good but my cats shit bricks and hide out for days.
G) Firework retailers simply don’t give a damn in England they make so little money that they will sell to anybody, the greedy bastards are probably responsible for a good few deaths.
All these things make me hate the night, from my personal annoyance to idiots who let them off. It is a night I will not be missing at all. Another thing to thank America for I suppose. I think the best firework related incident was the factory fire where I got to watch a few thousand pounds worth of them go up for free from the comfort of my living room minus the loud bangs. Fun, fun, fun.